When writing, I personally feel that, the lack of emotions makes the whole act tougher, rather than the lack of material. And content. Of course when you have nothing to write about, you aren't going to get anywhere. But with regards to subjects and topics and content-based stuff, you can always source for them elsewhere or even borrow them from someone else if need be. However, it is very difficult to 'borrow' or so-call 'copy' the emotions in someone else's writing. Perhaps that is why one piece of material written by various persons would result in a whole range of products. For one who truly did experience what he or she is writing about themselves, would definitely be able to relate a more genuine and truthful story, thus making the piece way more personal as compared to another, who is merely borrowing content. I use to borrow other people's encounters and experiences a lot in the past – more than borrow, i use to steal, to rob. I mean, you don't exactly return what you 'borrow' in this kind of scenarios right? Besides that, I use to take more than their content. Their writing style. Their expression. It did work, in the sense that, of course every thing sounds very artsy and fancy and well-composed. But I found, no it didn't seem right. Worse being, there was a period of time (i realise when going through my archives), that i imitated writing that wasn't actually good; it was crap! So yes, long story short, i dont know... i dont even know where i was going with this 'story'. It is easy to go on and on and on about a topic like this, but I shan't. This wasn't the topic I had in mind to write about, I had something else. But I forgot. Oh well.

But like I said at the start, the lack of emotions makes it hard to write. Hard to express. More often than not, I love writing. Just because I find it so beautiful that words – simple meaningless characters – can be pieced so effortlessly together to convey emotions, thoughts, perspectives, ideals, and so much more. Thus I feel it is just so magical. I think art alone, or anything that holds artistic value, is magical. Literature, music, visuals, theatre, even cooking. It is all so magical. Yet so elusive at the same time. But back to the point about writing; sometimes I do detest the fact that it is one of the only means I have to express myself. I am not particularly talented in any other aspects, as such, the use of words is generally the only method I have. Although it is a fantastic avenue, platform and tool, once in a while I do encounter those annoying times where words fail to spell out what I exactly want it to spell out. To be fair, its not the words to blame. They are 'dead' anyway. Sometimes I am UNABLE to put what what I want to truly say in words. And other times, I myself do not know what I want to say. As such I do find it all very complicated. I am trying to teach myself to see the beauty in that complication though. Slowly. But surely.

--------------------------

I wonder what is it like to be suffering from schizophrenia. Maybe not suffering, but having that condition and having to live with it. I do not know much about schizophrenia. But I do wonder how it is like as a schizophrenic. In a world where all is constantly deluded and confused and muddled, perhaps we all have a tinge of schizophrenia? I do not know. I do not understand. But neither do I know if I want to go and understand it. Let it be.

Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

I love this woman, she is amazing! :) This video makes me smile

I like it when I have the mood and ability to write posts entitled "Happy Days". I do remember writing a couple of posts a while ago with the titles of "happy days" too :) or maybe they were photo captions. Nonetheless, today was a happy day! :) I met up with Sabrina for lunch today. It was lovely seeing her and catching up! Yes, its been quite a while. Can't wait to see her again soon, definitely one of my best pals from primary school. So glad we are still in contact!! :)

------------------

Today I am happy. Happy days are tougher to come by nowadays. Not that I am a particularly depressed or upset person. Just that the world is moving too fast I feel. By the time you realise you are happy in that moment, the moment is gone. So difficult to treasure the present. So difficult to honour the past. So difficult to embrace the future. It is difficult so hard to live. It is difficult to be human... and at the end of the day, I am only human. I think about pathos intermingling with bathos. I think about You. And you too.

I need someone to rescue me from drowning in this pool of worries and woes.
But work is work, and work has to be done.
For I am responsible for my own learning.
For I am expected to fulfil expectations.
For I am happy.
Today I am happy... I am happy.

Don't beat around the bush – A bear will jump out and eat you. (Is that even a real quote? Heck)

It was in the news yesterday. Straits Time Life. About Emma Yong's health condition. It already aroused suspicion, as well as concern and worry, when she pulled out of two productions earlier this year. And of course, it brought about quite a bit of talk and speculation.

Emma has always been a great inspiration to me. I remember when I was younger, one of the first few pieces of theatre I had ever watched was a pantomime she starred in. Of course there was the dim sum dollies and all too; I mean, selena tan and pam oei are great, but emma had always been my favourite dolly, for the record. It is always so special to watch her get on stage and do her thing every time. It is a true joy and pleasure to be her audience, and I really admire the talent and versatility she displays as an artiste.

Looking back, Emma Yong is definitely one of the first few people who showed me the magic of theatre, just by putting up amazing shows, one after another and another. Her dedication and excellency in this amazing craft has inspired me to learn more about it, and I doubt I would have developed such love and passion for theatre otherwise. And neither would I be dabbling in it in any ways, nor considering taking the path less trodden. I do remember having the wish as a child to grow up and work on a theatre piece with Emma! hahahahah childhood dreams.... sigh.

Upon reading the article in ST life yesterday, though i do not know Emma personally, it was very saddening to hear the news. But she has always shown great strength and determination and courage as an actress, and she is definitely just as strong as a person. She are amazing, and I am sure she will continue to perform, and share the wonders of theatre with many others. She is in my thoughts and prayers.

Pray you be safe and well.

-----------------------

Today my father got a call from a friend. A super super old friend, like from school days. Apparently they were never too close, but had met up recently in a secondary school reunion. So what happened was, this friend of my dad's needed to borrow money. It wasn't a small sum and not too much back story was given. He needed to money to be in by tonight. My father complied.

Frankly, I had and have my doubts about this guy. I mean, how are you certain you're ever going to get your money back? It is very sudden. Plus they were never very close? I guess he is desperate.

---------------------------

Life is so unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Or if you would be around to see tomorrow. I know, this all sounds very pessimistic of me, but come on, lets be realistic and objective about all this. About life. No one truly knows what tomorrow harbours, or what tomorrow will bring. Who knows, maybe you will strike 4D. Or maybe you will discover the stock market crashed and you are transformed from millionaire to million-o-nothing overnight. Maybe your best friend will get married tomorrow. Or maybe your parents are getting a divorce. Maybe you just scored 10As in the o levels. Or maybe you just missed getting into medical school by 0.01%. The list of examples is endless. But the crux of the matter is, nothing is scared, nothing is absolute, and not every thing is in your control. I guess sometimes in life there is that stroke of, what you'd call, fate?

I just keeps bugging me that, perhaps tomorrow I'd wake up and find that I'm the one with cancer. Or that I'm in a huge debt and in desperate need for money. Whatever it is, I feel it is very important to grasp the moment and seize the day. Afterall, you never know what lies ahead. Afterall, it IS now or never.

People always tell me, everything happens for a reason. So lets embrace it all now, and pray for a brighter tomorrow while we continue on, in search for light as we plunder in the darkness of today.

Empathy. And Faith.

I am not religious. But to whoever is listening, please bless all.

For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.

A post I wrote last night. Or this morning, for the matter. I've been using the Evernote app to do my writing recently, and I haven't figured out a way to post it directly here since it is not a proper blogging app. Oh well.

-----------------------------------------

I do not know how to begin. It is 2:14AM right now, I ought to be asleep. But my brain does not seem to want to rest. I am compelled to write something. I love to write. Queer, isn't it? I love writing. It is just that I am way too lazy to translate it into proper action most of the time.

I should not digress.

In you, I see myself.

Is that a good thing? I do not know. I would probably never know. But it appears to be a good thing I guess? I mean, it is about time someone or something shed some light on this issue at hand. For me to see. To understand.

So many a time in life, we look at others but we fail to look at ourselves. I won't forthrightly claim that I am the most self-reflective person there is around. I am not. But no doubt I do enjoy indulging in self-reflection time and again. Yes, just once in a while. I do see it as a form of indulgent; not a chore, definitely.  Seriously, self-reflection is probably the only excuse to be wholly self-absorbed; to be able to scrutinize at ones own actions and thoughts; to rave about the positive and preferably account for the negative ones as well. And for once, instead of being termed as egoist, or just down right weirdly obsessive, it is seen as something good, something good to engage in for personal mastery. That is probably why I enjoy self-reflecting. And of course, I feel it makes me a slightly better person. Which is comforting.

Ok I digressed. Fuck. (In other news, I should swear less!)

In you, I see myself.

I honestly do. As I said earlier, many a time in life, we look at others but fail to take a good look at ourselves. Surprisingly, for once, I see myself in someone else. And I see it very clearly, very well. I do not know if it is a good thing. But it is all very odd. I am unable to properly reason it out to myself. It seems, I am seeing a direct and uncannily similar image of myself and my actions in you.

All the while I have been the giving party. However, all of a sudden, I am thrown to the position of being the opposite. Yes, the tables have turned indeed. You see, it is very odd. Everything. Very queer. It defies reason and theory. How elusive. And what makes it a hell lot stranger is that, in the present moment, I am simultaneously caught in both spots! It is all very strange. It's as though I am playing god; not in terms of decision making (I wish!), but it is like I am viewing every thing from a detached perspective, something like a "birds eye view".

------------------------

On a separate note. I have always been a very obsessive person. It is very weird – I know, I honestly do. But, its just like this. I admire a lot. I emulate a lot. I adopt a lot. I revere a lot. As a result, it makes me a rather devoted and loyal person I feel, but it also causes me to get increasingly jealous over the tiniest of things! Of course things that actually MATTER to me, things that I really really love. Very disturbing. I guess the whole act of me being greatly obsessed with something (anything!) is already very disturbing. Yes, I invite you to watch me fawn over things, anything, you'd die. (hahahahaha) Of laughter maybe. Or you might just be so freaked out you'd pass out anyway. To make things worst, I know that when I craze over something, I would constantly wax lyrical about it – NON STOP. Not very good. But that's just the way I am!

Oh oh I also have the tendency to love the crow on the house of my lover... Get it get it? 爱屋及乌, one of the rare times that I know a chinese phrase but yet can't quite put it in proper english! But I do that all the time; the thing about loving the crow I mean. Perhaps it is part and parcel of the absurd emulating and adopting.

-------------------

Perhaps the main reason I do not want to achieve closure is, so I can continue discovering the answers I may not ever be able to obtain any where else.

Self-reflection.
Self-restraint.
Self-improvement.
Self-mastery.

2:40AM. Closure. End.

A quick post I had written at the mrt station yesterday.

-----------------

And even if the whole world has forgotten,
the song remembers when...

"...she can't make it today..."

My heart sank. "She what?" I uttered.

"She can't make it today. Work."

My head began to spin. The world around me gradually seemed to fade off in a giddy whirl, as I felt myself being submerged into waters of denial. It was more of a Drown than a Submerge, in fact. The notice had elicited a deluge of indescribable emotions – mixed emotions – from me. I sat there, not knowing how to respond. It was as though a dam had broken in my heart, as the waters of unprecedented disappointment flowed sluggishly down my spin, through my entire system.

"Oh ok," I mouthed, with great attempt to disallow the grave disappointment I was experiencing to manifest in my tone. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. "Oh ok," I repeated, more audibly, into my phone – its cold surface pressed against my cheek. I wondered fleetingly what she was thinking at the other end of the line.

"You could give her a call? I'm running late." Again. Was it a tinge of nonchalance I caught in her voice? I brushed it off. She had her own problems to address.
I hit the contact book button. It was as though I was searching for a rewind button from the luminance of the iphone screen, one that would allow this entire episode to rewrite itself, to the way it ought to have been. I found her number. Call.

My grip tightened on the phone with every ring. Four rings... Five rings... Six... I sighed inwardly. 9-0-7-0-... is currently unavailable. I cringed a little as the crisp emotionless voice of the operator spoke. I held the line; every word of the operator fell like static to my ears. Currently. Unavailable. I tapped the End Call button. What seemed like a strange concoction of... Unpleasantness? It was just a whole lot of SIGH you could say. Or was it anger? No. More of disappointment. Expected disappointment. I mean, it was undeniable I had seen this coming all along.

Well, in the very end, it is just too bad.

Disappointment. The unavoidable.

----------------------------------------

Ice Cream after that with li ching melted the disappointment away though :) And it was definitely awesome catching up over ice cream, even if it wasn't dinner. SO BIG YAY FOR ICE CREAM.

Ice Cream. Saves the day.

When writing, I personally feel that, the lack of emotions makes the whole act tougher, rather than the lack of material. And content. Of course when you have nothing to write about, you aren't going to get anywhere. But with regards to subjects and topics and content-based stuff, you can always source for them elsewhere or even borrow them from someone else if need be. However, it is very difficult to 'borrow' or so-call 'copy' the emotions in someone else's writing. Perhaps that is why one piece of material written by various persons would result in a whole range of products. For one who truly did experience what he or she is writing about themselves, would definitely be able to relate a more genuine and truthful story, thus making the piece way more personal as compared to another, who is merely borrowing content. I use to borrow other people's encounters and experiences a lot in the past – more than borrow, i use to steal, to rob. I mean, you don't exactly return what you 'borrow' in this kind of scenarios right? Besides that, I use to take more than their content. Their writing style. Their expression. It did work, in the sense that, of course every thing sounds very artsy and fancy and well-composed. But I found, no it didn't seem right. Worse being, there was a period of time (i realise when going through my archives), that i imitated writing that wasn't actually good; it was crap! So yes, long story short, i dont know... i dont even know where i was going with this 'story'. It is easy to go on and on and on about a topic like this, but I shan't. This wasn't the topic I had in mind to write about, I had something else. But I forgot. Oh well.

But like I said at the start, the lack of emotions makes it hard to write. Hard to express. More often than not, I love writing. Just because I find it so beautiful that words – simple meaningless characters – can be pieced so effortlessly together to convey emotions, thoughts, perspectives, ideals, and so much more. Thus I feel it is just so magical. I think art alone, or anything that holds artistic value, is magical. Literature, music, visuals, theatre, even cooking. It is all so magical. Yet so elusive at the same time. But back to the point about writing; sometimes I do detest the fact that it is one of the only means I have to express myself. I am not particularly talented in any other aspects, as such, the use of words is generally the only method I have. Although it is a fantastic avenue, platform and tool, once in a while I do encounter those annoying times where words fail to spell out what I exactly want it to spell out. To be fair, its not the words to blame. They are 'dead' anyway. Sometimes I am UNABLE to put what what I want to truly say in words. And other times, I myself do not know what I want to say. As such I do find it all very complicated. I am trying to teach myself to see the beauty in that complication though. Slowly. But surely.

--------------------------

I wonder what is it like to be suffering from schizophrenia. Maybe not suffering, but having that condition and having to live with it. I do not know much about schizophrenia. But I do wonder how it is like as a schizophrenic. In a world where all is constantly deluded and confused and muddled, perhaps we all have a tinge of schizophrenia? I do not know. I do not understand. But neither do I know if I want to go and understand it. Let it be.

Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

I love this woman, she is amazing! :) This video makes me smile

I like it when I have the mood and ability to write posts entitled "Happy Days". I do remember writing a couple of posts a while ago with the titles of "happy days" too :) or maybe they were photo captions. Nonetheless, today was a happy day! :) I met up with Sabrina for lunch today. It was lovely seeing her and catching up! Yes, its been quite a while. Can't wait to see her again soon, definitely one of my best pals from primary school. So glad we are still in contact!! :)

------------------

Today I am happy. Happy days are tougher to come by nowadays. Not that I am a particularly depressed or upset person. Just that the world is moving too fast I feel. By the time you realise you are happy in that moment, the moment is gone. So difficult to treasure the present. So difficult to honour the past. So difficult to embrace the future. It is difficult so hard to live. It is difficult to be human... and at the end of the day, I am only human. I think about pathos intermingling with bathos. I think about You. And you too.

I need someone to rescue me from drowning in this pool of worries and woes.
But work is work, and work has to be done.
For I am responsible for my own learning.
For I am expected to fulfil expectations.
For I am happy.
Today I am happy... I am happy.

Don't beat around the bush – A bear will jump out and eat you. (Is that even a real quote? Heck)

It was in the news yesterday. Straits Time Life. About Emma Yong's health condition. It already aroused suspicion, as well as concern and worry, when she pulled out of two productions earlier this year. And of course, it brought about quite a bit of talk and speculation.

Emma has always been a great inspiration to me. I remember when I was younger, one of the first few pieces of theatre I had ever watched was a pantomime she starred in. Of course there was the dim sum dollies and all too; I mean, selena tan and pam oei are great, but emma had always been my favourite dolly, for the record. It is always so special to watch her get on stage and do her thing every time. It is a true joy and pleasure to be her audience, and I really admire the talent and versatility she displays as an artiste.

Looking back, Emma Yong is definitely one of the first few people who showed me the magic of theatre, just by putting up amazing shows, one after another and another. Her dedication and excellency in this amazing craft has inspired me to learn more about it, and I doubt I would have developed such love and passion for theatre otherwise. And neither would I be dabbling in it in any ways, nor considering taking the path less trodden. I do remember having the wish as a child to grow up and work on a theatre piece with Emma! hahahahah childhood dreams.... sigh.

Upon reading the article in ST life yesterday, though i do not know Emma personally, it was very saddening to hear the news. But she has always shown great strength and determination and courage as an actress, and she is definitely just as strong as a person. She are amazing, and I am sure she will continue to perform, and share the wonders of theatre with many others. She is in my thoughts and prayers.

Pray you be safe and well.

-----------------------

Today my father got a call from a friend. A super super old friend, like from school days. Apparently they were never too close, but had met up recently in a secondary school reunion. So what happened was, this friend of my dad's needed to borrow money. It wasn't a small sum and not too much back story was given. He needed to money to be in by tonight. My father complied.

Frankly, I had and have my doubts about this guy. I mean, how are you certain you're ever going to get your money back? It is very sudden. Plus they were never very close? I guess he is desperate.

---------------------------

Life is so unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Or if you would be around to see tomorrow. I know, this all sounds very pessimistic of me, but come on, lets be realistic and objective about all this. About life. No one truly knows what tomorrow harbours, or what tomorrow will bring. Who knows, maybe you will strike 4D. Or maybe you will discover the stock market crashed and you are transformed from millionaire to million-o-nothing overnight. Maybe your best friend will get married tomorrow. Or maybe your parents are getting a divorce. Maybe you just scored 10As in the o levels. Or maybe you just missed getting into medical school by 0.01%. The list of examples is endless. But the crux of the matter is, nothing is scared, nothing is absolute, and not every thing is in your control. I guess sometimes in life there is that stroke of, what you'd call, fate?

I just keeps bugging me that, perhaps tomorrow I'd wake up and find that I'm the one with cancer. Or that I'm in a huge debt and in desperate need for money. Whatever it is, I feel it is very important to grasp the moment and seize the day. Afterall, you never know what lies ahead. Afterall, it IS now or never.

People always tell me, everything happens for a reason. So lets embrace it all now, and pray for a brighter tomorrow while we continue on, in search for light as we plunder in the darkness of today.

Empathy. And Faith.

I am not religious. But to whoever is listening, please bless all.

For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.

A post I wrote last night. Or this morning, for the matter. I've been using the Evernote app to do my writing recently, and I haven't figured out a way to post it directly here since it is not a proper blogging app. Oh well.

-----------------------------------------

I do not know how to begin. It is 2:14AM right now, I ought to be asleep. But my brain does not seem to want to rest. I am compelled to write something. I love to write. Queer, isn't it? I love writing. It is just that I am way too lazy to translate it into proper action most of the time.

I should not digress.

In you, I see myself.

Is that a good thing? I do not know. I would probably never know. But it appears to be a good thing I guess? I mean, it is about time someone or something shed some light on this issue at hand. For me to see. To understand.

So many a time in life, we look at others but we fail to look at ourselves. I won't forthrightly claim that I am the most self-reflective person there is around. I am not. But no doubt I do enjoy indulging in self-reflection time and again. Yes, just once in a while. I do see it as a form of indulgent; not a chore, definitely.  Seriously, self-reflection is probably the only excuse to be wholly self-absorbed; to be able to scrutinize at ones own actions and thoughts; to rave about the positive and preferably account for the negative ones as well. And for once, instead of being termed as egoist, or just down right weirdly obsessive, it is seen as something good, something good to engage in for personal mastery. That is probably why I enjoy self-reflecting. And of course, I feel it makes me a slightly better person. Which is comforting.

Ok I digressed. Fuck. (In other news, I should swear less!)

In you, I see myself.

I honestly do. As I said earlier, many a time in life, we look at others but fail to take a good look at ourselves. Surprisingly, for once, I see myself in someone else. And I see it very clearly, very well. I do not know if it is a good thing. But it is all very odd. I am unable to properly reason it out to myself. It seems, I am seeing a direct and uncannily similar image of myself and my actions in you.

All the while I have been the giving party. However, all of a sudden, I am thrown to the position of being the opposite. Yes, the tables have turned indeed. You see, it is very odd. Everything. Very queer. It defies reason and theory. How elusive. And what makes it a hell lot stranger is that, in the present moment, I am simultaneously caught in both spots! It is all very strange. It's as though I am playing god; not in terms of decision making (I wish!), but it is like I am viewing every thing from a detached perspective, something like a "birds eye view".

------------------------

On a separate note. I have always been a very obsessive person. It is very weird – I know, I honestly do. But, its just like this. I admire a lot. I emulate a lot. I adopt a lot. I revere a lot. As a result, it makes me a rather devoted and loyal person I feel, but it also causes me to get increasingly jealous over the tiniest of things! Of course things that actually MATTER to me, things that I really really love. Very disturbing. I guess the whole act of me being greatly obsessed with something (anything!) is already very disturbing. Yes, I invite you to watch me fawn over things, anything, you'd die. (hahahahaha) Of laughter maybe. Or you might just be so freaked out you'd pass out anyway. To make things worst, I know that when I craze over something, I would constantly wax lyrical about it – NON STOP. Not very good. But that's just the way I am!

Oh oh I also have the tendency to love the crow on the house of my lover... Get it get it? 爱屋及乌, one of the rare times that I know a chinese phrase but yet can't quite put it in proper english! But I do that all the time; the thing about loving the crow I mean. Perhaps it is part and parcel of the absurd emulating and adopting.

-------------------

Perhaps the main reason I do not want to achieve closure is, so I can continue discovering the answers I may not ever be able to obtain any where else.

Self-reflection.
Self-restraint.
Self-improvement.
Self-mastery.

2:40AM. Closure. End.

A quick post I had written at the mrt station yesterday.

-----------------

And even if the whole world has forgotten,
the song remembers when...

"...she can't make it today..."

My heart sank. "She what?" I uttered.

"She can't make it today. Work."

My head began to spin. The world around me gradually seemed to fade off in a giddy whirl, as I felt myself being submerged into waters of denial. It was more of a Drown than a Submerge, in fact. The notice had elicited a deluge of indescribable emotions – mixed emotions – from me. I sat there, not knowing how to respond. It was as though a dam had broken in my heart, as the waters of unprecedented disappointment flowed sluggishly down my spin, through my entire system.

"Oh ok," I mouthed, with great attempt to disallow the grave disappointment I was experiencing to manifest in my tone. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. "Oh ok," I repeated, more audibly, into my phone – its cold surface pressed against my cheek. I wondered fleetingly what she was thinking at the other end of the line.

"You could give her a call? I'm running late." Again. Was it a tinge of nonchalance I caught in her voice? I brushed it off. She had her own problems to address.
I hit the contact book button. It was as though I was searching for a rewind button from the luminance of the iphone screen, one that would allow this entire episode to rewrite itself, to the way it ought to have been. I found her number. Call.

My grip tightened on the phone with every ring. Four rings... Five rings... Six... I sighed inwardly. 9-0-7-0-... is currently unavailable. I cringed a little as the crisp emotionless voice of the operator spoke. I held the line; every word of the operator fell like static to my ears. Currently. Unavailable. I tapped the End Call button. What seemed like a strange concoction of... Unpleasantness? It was just a whole lot of SIGH you could say. Or was it anger? No. More of disappointment. Expected disappointment. I mean, it was undeniable I had seen this coming all along.

Well, in the very end, it is just too bad.

Disappointment. The unavoidable.

----------------------------------------

Ice Cream after that with li ching melted the disappointment away though :) And it was definitely awesome catching up over ice cream, even if it wasn't dinner. SO BIG YAY FOR ICE CREAM.

Ice Cream. Saves the day.