Recently I have been getting very vivid dreams. By that I mean, the type of dreams you get when you are asleep – extremely lucid dreams. And it is a bit scary in that I can recognise and remember people I encounter in these dreams, and the incidents that occur seem so realistic and probable they feel like actual fragments of my memory. Additionally, what is becoming increasingly worrying is I am experiencing instances whereby I get confused what has actually taken place in real life and what was actually only just in my dreams. Very creepy, isn't it?

I stumbled upon a couple of my old posts tonight. They reminded me of the many times that I have been terribly mean and nasty to many people. And I have said many things that I should not have, and done many things that I should not have. I still feel horrible and awful and miserable about every bad thing I have done in my life and I wish every one will never know and never remember. More than ever know or never find out, I do not mind if they do know, I well know people will know about things some how sooner or later but I want people never to remember. I wish I had control over every body's memory just so I can pick and choose what I want others to retain and to eradicate every single piece of occurrence which would jolly well do rid from the face of this earth. I know this reveals the self-conscious side of me and I am self-conscious. I mind what people think and I mind what people know and I mind what people recall when they think or see me. I am afraid of what people know and I am fearful of what people tell people. People talk and what they say are not always good in fact it is more often bad than good. Just look at yourself the last thing you told someone else about someone you knew, was it a good thing. well if it was perhaps you are a very good kind nice person or you just favour and like that certain someone enough not to do anything against him or her to tarnish or taint their reputation. Reputation matters regardless whether you accept this fact or not. And I do understand this fact. I try not to think about things I try to avoid and neglect. But just because you try to erase something does not mean it will disappear so easily. There are so many things in my life in life that I can do without. I can do without people so many people. Why must there be so many people on this earth in this world. Why can I not play god and choose who I want to be around me and when I want them to be around me. Why can there not be a clear all button that at certain points I may use to simply clear out every thing and every body in my life so I can just reside in the calm of my thoughts. My mind is not calm it is tossing like the ocean. Constantly there is one thing that is so hard to curb its thought. I have no control over thought I do not know if this is a lack of discipline or a mere lack of mental will power. I wish there are times where there can just be a void I can escape to to hide in my own cupboard of darkness, here I will have wanted to use the word misery but what right do I have to use that word. To bury myself in the gloom of my self-detestation and to sentence myself to endless self-depreciation and envelope myself in my own personal torment that I can never accept the world the way it will never accept my entity. I know one should beware what one wishes for but I wish I can be free. I want to be free from this world of the people. I do not like people. People are the bad, it is not the world that is bad it is the throngs of people who populate it which mar it with streaks of evil and corruptibility, all this blemishes they are the people. I do not like people. I do not like being connected I do not know why I use Facebook or why I have to try to break myself away from it when it is such a repulsive tool which disgusts and basically brings more bad than good. I know people watch things on facebook very closely and people judge base of the things they see. I know what people think because I think that way to sometimes. Many times. I can tell what people are thinking about me from their sight and once or twice I try to ignore and put aside my wandering thoughts and presumptions. But to be honest to myself so many a time when something is there it is there. No matter how you try to cover it or disguise it or hide it it is there and it always will be if it is. If so what can you do. There truly is nothing you can do other than acknowledge it and accept whatever is there. If that is the first step, it is the only step. The final one. For the other step is not up to you any more. It is up to those who can see you those who are in a position to judge you. I can almost confidently say that any one who claims they are entirely unconcerned by the way they are being judged or viewed is lying. Perhaps they do not even know they are lying to begin with. Sometimes people lie to themselves too to feel better. I cannot lie to myself. It just rejects and cancels itself somehow and maybe it is my paranoid nature that disallows this lie-to-oneself protection mechanism to properly function. At times I am delusional maybe but it just feels lousy at the end of the day because I do not feel any better but instead worst. Sometimes I feel just like Elphaba I think to myself yes maybe I do know how she feels. To try to stand up and be strong and be who you think you are to devoid yourself of fear of what people around you think. But I am not Elphaba I cannot go into the Oz Dust ballroom and do what I do and not care and I do not earn a beautiful perfect friend the way she does. It is just so easy to feel so green inside and yet so difficult to let a shade of pink escape. I think people who are full of pink in their lives are blessed, to be able to allow the pink to flow all around themselves and out of their system to surround their entire like a glow. And in a sense this pink will lift them up. I do not need to be pink on the outside I just want to find my internal pinkness again to resume that ease and that calm because you know you are pink and with pink you feel safe and happy. Sometimes I wonder how things will be if I had something to protect in life something that I can truly call mine to safeguard and to shield fearlessly and selflessly. Whatever is said is mere talk anyway. I realise I do not actually truly love anything or anyone in my life. Yes there are people I care about most of the time and people that I am born to have be related and committed to. I do not know how this mind set came about but I somehow believe there would never be another who will love me the way I can love them. I do not believe in reciprocal emotions I do not believe in mutual understanding and I do not believe in two standing on truly identical common ground and having the ability to relate directly. I also hope that the care and concern and love and appreciation I send out to a few will return to me in equivalent amounts or maybe more but it is all equivocal and almost impossible. I know it is selfish and silly and immature and petty but sometimes I feel it is just so unfair how I do not feel like I receive what I send out in return. I want people I care about to feel good to feel loved. Sometimes I just wish I could be two people in one and I can just complement myself and constantly make myself feel wholesome and well and loved. I just feel others will never be able to fully understand and achieve what an individual wants to feel entirely and thus they can never do what is exactly appropriate to help fix things. Perhaps this is why people feel down at times they feel lonely people go into depression. Not because there is not enough love in the world well I guess there is not anyway but because people do not know how or where to direct the love and sometimes it does not hit accurately. If I could I want to adopt something to love with all my life and energy and every thing I have the condition being it cannot be a person. Just because. I do not like people. They are difficult and troublesome and fickle and tough to understand. Even the nicest of people. I am a sceptic? Am I I do not know and I do not care. No I care about a lot of things. Things that I do not think I care about, I do. I know and I want to fix things. It is so tiring all the time. Tiresome. I think this is why people choose to give up on life or maybe this is why there is religion. I am not religious I was not brought up to be religious. Does that make me a bad person? This I truly will have no answer to but so I have no guided path and I do not know where to go at times. It is so difficult to be a person and to live around so many other people. Why can we not all be born with the guide to life in our hands and why can every one not just follow the exact same guide straight down to the tee with no exceptions or alterations. Just generations after generations doing the same thing and feeling nothing. Just like robots. Maybe this is why we should go ahead with robots let them take over the earth and carry the burden that humans just were not strong enough or cut out to bear. Blame the people. They are the worst of them all. Why can't I have and live on my own planet?

I feel so lousy.


--
Alone and loveless here, with just the girl in the mirror.
Just her and me – The Wicked Witch Of The East.

The previous post was a terrible post. I have decided to start over. To begin, I came to my live writer app tonight with an intention and with content to blog about. I do not know why I ended up digressing so much in the previous post and writing about something entirely unrelated to what I had planned to touch on.

Straight to the point.

I was reading a friend's blog tonight and I came across this post. In the midst of talk regarding other personal conflicts and expression, this friend of mine talked about needing a boyfriend. She talked about loneliness. She talked about needing someone. She talked about needing something to make her life more interesting.

I know I have written about loneliness before. But the thought of truly needing the presence of another person in one's life has never occurred to me to be something so significant, or much less vital. I guess the reason why I am a little shaken by this is that, this friend of mine has also come across to me as pretty mature and objective and level-headed despite her occasional frivolous outbursts. I am not sure if I am getting the wrong message, but I would not expect someone like her to appear needy. I am not putting her down, it is merely very surprising.

It made me think of myself. Recently I have been drifting in and out of "the whole world hates me" moods more and more frequently. I know it is always just a passing state of mind, but it has dawned on me that there is nobody I really trust who I will turn to.

I am going to cut the post here. Tonight is not a good time to write, nothing is flowing.

Some things are meant to be, the clouds moving fast and free.
The sun on a silver sea. A sky that's bright and blue.

As much as I love to write, I am often put off by not knowing what to write about, and not knowing how to begin. Perhaps it could be the lack of inspiration as some choose to call it, but sometimes it almost seems as though I am suffering from an eternal writer's block. I guess I am just not the sort that likes to write about every day life and happenings I witness and all. In the past, I use to enjoy keeping track of everything I did, every moment, every sight, every sound, every emotion. Until now, I am still that way to a certain extent. I am sentimental that way. I want to remember things, and I enjoy recounting and reminiscing. The difference is I am not as obsessive over remembering already I guess.

I have grown to understand that remembering does not mean whatever you remember will still be there; and recounting does not mean whatever you recount will repeat itself. In this way, I feel my clingy nature on the past has gradually evolved. Now I believe that whatever happens in the moment will become a memory sooner or later. In a sense this has led me to try to seize every moment there is, but also, to believe in the lack of power to hold on to that moment.

This has become more apparent to me lately. I realise I always experience a period of moodiness after a surge of happiness or high-ness (this term is very apt here). It is like the hangover after a party. At that down point, I will constantly try to recall the joy I savoured just moments ago, and will myself to mentally relive it – it never works. I mean, obviously there is no way you can replay it wholly once it is over, but I just feel so lousy after something is over. And I hate how I have to constantly tell myself to be happy that something happened, and not be sad that it is over, when a happy moment is over. I just detest how things transform from a present happening to a mere fragment of my memory so quickly. This largely applies to happy times actually.

This is a bad post. I cannot seem to convey my thoughts properly.  

A post I came across on facebook:

Musings – Ironies
I just came to a realization that I live for others. Responsibilities, duties, tasks give me some form of purpose and structure in my life. If none, I think I would just would live in solitude, in a comfy corner (hopefully) till time ends!! Maybe, that's why I search for projects to undertake, holes to plug, people to look out for, so that my life will feel like it has purpose. Too easily content, or being hideously apathetic, or fearing judgement and a lacking of ambition equates to a lack of drive... Thus experiencing snippets of time where I morbidly enjoy self-withering, the wastage of time and some form of self- depreciation.

Just realised I am very inclined to doing what is pointed out in the above post as well, though it has never occurred to me as living for others. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I can thoroughly and perfectly relate to this post....

Dreams. I believe in having dreams and the power of dreams. When we were young, everyone had dreams. Big dreams – dreams of being successful, of being famous, of being rich. Indeed, these dreams may have been impractical and as insubstantial as thin air, but it was the courage and ability to dream BIG that mattered. What more, those dreams were definitely not restricted by social status quos. To be a firefighter, an artist, a policeman, a rockstar, the president, there were no boundaries. When a kid dreams to be a doctor or lawyer, rarely will they claim it is for the cash. However, with time and age, coupled with the harshness of reality, the will and strength to chase after those dreams begin to dwindle and eventually extinguishes.

I read a really good post about chasing dreams and having the courage to do so yesterday. This abstract struck a chord in me. I found myself being able to relate to what was written, and it almost perfectly summarises my dilemma in life.

"Will you choose to listen to the dream stealers, the people who want you to live the same boring and mediocre lives they do? Will you choose to let your fears win and give up on your dreams? This is the path chosen by many; it is the safe route through life. You will have a somewhat comfortable yet mundane life, with little to no time to do what you really want.

You can be different, though. You can take the path that very few people ever do. Will you choose to be courageous and go after what you really want? Will you choose to ignore the little doubting voice in your head telling you that you can’t, and chase your dreams?"

When I was younger, I use to believe that regardless what the world tells me, I will go all out to fulfil whatever dream I have and do whatever makes me most happy with my life. Then, at the cusp of accomplishment and greatness, I was ever so determined to achieve anything I set out to do, and it was as though nothing could possibly filter through the immense faith I had in myself, and that the world was mine to take. But winners will always be forgotten over time, and victory is not eternal.

Over time, the absence of remainders of my capability and potential to achieve, I began to lose confidence in my abilities and myself as a whole. I slowly started accepting the fact that 'someone will always be better than you' in aspect a little too seriously, and it hindered me greatly in progressing. Unknowingly, it damaged my self-esteem quite a bit I think and I lost my competitive edge almost entirely. I do not think this seemed very apparent to me until recently.

Of course, now I would still love to go after my dreams fearlessly and likewise, do what I love most. I still believe in the power of dreams and that everyone deserves the right to chase after aspirations and goals. Looking back, it is interesting to discover, when I was brimming with hope and drive, I lacked direction. At that point I had no particular field of interest, no goals no aims no objective.

Through the course of this year, I have found an aspect I would love to delve and dabble more in – Theatre. It need not necessarily be what I will work on eventually, but it is something I have developed a passion for. I guess being introduced to the theatre at a young age, and growing up with watching musicals and pantomimes as a regular treat, it is almost inevitable that it would grow on me. The truth is, the magic of theatre has truly moved me and touched my heart. It has made me think and made me feel time and time again. I really grew up believing in the magic of theatrical arts, and now, I have finally fallen in love with it. I mean, one fine day this magic will die off, remaining a mere memory, but before it does I want to embrace it and be part of this magic. That is my current dream – I want to do something good in the theatre, for theatre.

What will I be eventually, I do not know. Frankly, yes the future scares me. And even though this passion for theatre drives and motivates me very very much, I do not know if it is enough for me to choose a career in it. Living in singapore, it breeds paranoia and from young we are taught to conform to the practical/materialistic system, it causes me to hesitate a little. No matter what it is, I want to live my life to its fullest while I am young. And whether or not I will be successful or doing what I like in the very end, I want to be part of the chase now, when I still have the chance to. It is all about the chase. Only now, I want to be part of the chase for my dreams and not simply the paper chase.

---------------

Had the opportunity to work with a theatre company in the past week, as a follow spot operator. Frankly, I enjoyed myself quite a bit, and I liked what I was doing. No matter what anyone says, or what I may say to anyone, I love it, I love theatre work and whatever it is, I want to keep doing it. I do not think menial jobs is demeaning and I do not mind doing them too at this point. I believe in climbing the hierarchy slowly, from the very bottom, relying on my own ability. So as long as deep in my heart I know, I love what I am doing, I know I will be fine.

I have dreamt wide awake,
I have dreamt with my heart.
All I need is a break,
So that the real dream can start.
'Cause I've worked way to hard
To be brushed off just yet.
Time to prove to the world
I'm someone not to forget.

I can't let all my dreams go nowhere.
I won't stop--
Till the day that I finally get there.

I'm a star,
A star.

Recently I have been getting very vivid dreams. By that I mean, the type of dreams you get when you are asleep – extremely lucid dreams. And it is a bit scary in that I can recognise and remember people I encounter in these dreams, and the incidents that occur seem so realistic and probable they feel like actual fragments of my memory. Additionally, what is becoming increasingly worrying is I am experiencing instances whereby I get confused what has actually taken place in real life and what was actually only just in my dreams. Very creepy, isn't it?

I stumbled upon a couple of my old posts tonight. They reminded me of the many times that I have been terribly mean and nasty to many people. And I have said many things that I should not have, and done many things that I should not have. I still feel horrible and awful and miserable about every bad thing I have done in my life and I wish every one will never know and never remember. More than ever know or never find out, I do not mind if they do know, I well know people will know about things some how sooner or later but I want people never to remember. I wish I had control over every body's memory just so I can pick and choose what I want others to retain and to eradicate every single piece of occurrence which would jolly well do rid from the face of this earth. I know this reveals the self-conscious side of me and I am self-conscious. I mind what people think and I mind what people know and I mind what people recall when they think or see me. I am afraid of what people know and I am fearful of what people tell people. People talk and what they say are not always good in fact it is more often bad than good. Just look at yourself the last thing you told someone else about someone you knew, was it a good thing. well if it was perhaps you are a very good kind nice person or you just favour and like that certain someone enough not to do anything against him or her to tarnish or taint their reputation. Reputation matters regardless whether you accept this fact or not. And I do understand this fact. I try not to think about things I try to avoid and neglect. But just because you try to erase something does not mean it will disappear so easily. There are so many things in my life in life that I can do without. I can do without people so many people. Why must there be so many people on this earth in this world. Why can I not play god and choose who I want to be around me and when I want them to be around me. Why can there not be a clear all button that at certain points I may use to simply clear out every thing and every body in my life so I can just reside in the calm of my thoughts. My mind is not calm it is tossing like the ocean. Constantly there is one thing that is so hard to curb its thought. I have no control over thought I do not know if this is a lack of discipline or a mere lack of mental will power. I wish there are times where there can just be a void I can escape to to hide in my own cupboard of darkness, here I will have wanted to use the word misery but what right do I have to use that word. To bury myself in the gloom of my self-detestation and to sentence myself to endless self-depreciation and envelope myself in my own personal torment that I can never accept the world the way it will never accept my entity. I know one should beware what one wishes for but I wish I can be free. I want to be free from this world of the people. I do not like people. People are the bad, it is not the world that is bad it is the throngs of people who populate it which mar it with streaks of evil and corruptibility, all this blemishes they are the people. I do not like people. I do not like being connected I do not know why I use Facebook or why I have to try to break myself away from it when it is such a repulsive tool which disgusts and basically brings more bad than good. I know people watch things on facebook very closely and people judge base of the things they see. I know what people think because I think that way to sometimes. Many times. I can tell what people are thinking about me from their sight and once or twice I try to ignore and put aside my wandering thoughts and presumptions. But to be honest to myself so many a time when something is there it is there. No matter how you try to cover it or disguise it or hide it it is there and it always will be if it is. If so what can you do. There truly is nothing you can do other than acknowledge it and accept whatever is there. If that is the first step, it is the only step. The final one. For the other step is not up to you any more. It is up to those who can see you those who are in a position to judge you. I can almost confidently say that any one who claims they are entirely unconcerned by the way they are being judged or viewed is lying. Perhaps they do not even know they are lying to begin with. Sometimes people lie to themselves too to feel better. I cannot lie to myself. It just rejects and cancels itself somehow and maybe it is my paranoid nature that disallows this lie-to-oneself protection mechanism to properly function. At times I am delusional maybe but it just feels lousy at the end of the day because I do not feel any better but instead worst. Sometimes I feel just like Elphaba I think to myself yes maybe I do know how she feels. To try to stand up and be strong and be who you think you are to devoid yourself of fear of what people around you think. But I am not Elphaba I cannot go into the Oz Dust ballroom and do what I do and not care and I do not earn a beautiful perfect friend the way she does. It is just so easy to feel so green inside and yet so difficult to let a shade of pink escape. I think people who are full of pink in their lives are blessed, to be able to allow the pink to flow all around themselves and out of their system to surround their entire like a glow. And in a sense this pink will lift them up. I do not need to be pink on the outside I just want to find my internal pinkness again to resume that ease and that calm because you know you are pink and with pink you feel safe and happy. Sometimes I wonder how things will be if I had something to protect in life something that I can truly call mine to safeguard and to shield fearlessly and selflessly. Whatever is said is mere talk anyway. I realise I do not actually truly love anything or anyone in my life. Yes there are people I care about most of the time and people that I am born to have be related and committed to. I do not know how this mind set came about but I somehow believe there would never be another who will love me the way I can love them. I do not believe in reciprocal emotions I do not believe in mutual understanding and I do not believe in two standing on truly identical common ground and having the ability to relate directly. I also hope that the care and concern and love and appreciation I send out to a few will return to me in equivalent amounts or maybe more but it is all equivocal and almost impossible. I know it is selfish and silly and immature and petty but sometimes I feel it is just so unfair how I do not feel like I receive what I send out in return. I want people I care about to feel good to feel loved. Sometimes I just wish I could be two people in one and I can just complement myself and constantly make myself feel wholesome and well and loved. I just feel others will never be able to fully understand and achieve what an individual wants to feel entirely and thus they can never do what is exactly appropriate to help fix things. Perhaps this is why people feel down at times they feel lonely people go into depression. Not because there is not enough love in the world well I guess there is not anyway but because people do not know how or where to direct the love and sometimes it does not hit accurately. If I could I want to adopt something to love with all my life and energy and every thing I have the condition being it cannot be a person. Just because. I do not like people. They are difficult and troublesome and fickle and tough to understand. Even the nicest of people. I am a sceptic? Am I I do not know and I do not care. No I care about a lot of things. Things that I do not think I care about, I do. I know and I want to fix things. It is so tiring all the time. Tiresome. I think this is why people choose to give up on life or maybe this is why there is religion. I am not religious I was not brought up to be religious. Does that make me a bad person? This I truly will have no answer to but so I have no guided path and I do not know where to go at times. It is so difficult to be a person and to live around so many other people. Why can we not all be born with the guide to life in our hands and why can every one not just follow the exact same guide straight down to the tee with no exceptions or alterations. Just generations after generations doing the same thing and feeling nothing. Just like robots. Maybe this is why we should go ahead with robots let them take over the earth and carry the burden that humans just were not strong enough or cut out to bear. Blame the people. They are the worst of them all. Why can't I have and live on my own planet?

I feel so lousy.


--
Alone and loveless here, with just the girl in the mirror.
Just her and me – The Wicked Witch Of The East.

The previous post was a terrible post. I have decided to start over. To begin, I came to my live writer app tonight with an intention and with content to blog about. I do not know why I ended up digressing so much in the previous post and writing about something entirely unrelated to what I had planned to touch on.

Straight to the point.

I was reading a friend's blog tonight and I came across this post. In the midst of talk regarding other personal conflicts and expression, this friend of mine talked about needing a boyfriend. She talked about loneliness. She talked about needing someone. She talked about needing something to make her life more interesting.

I know I have written about loneliness before. But the thought of truly needing the presence of another person in one's life has never occurred to me to be something so significant, or much less vital. I guess the reason why I am a little shaken by this is that, this friend of mine has also come across to me as pretty mature and objective and level-headed despite her occasional frivolous outbursts. I am not sure if I am getting the wrong message, but I would not expect someone like her to appear needy. I am not putting her down, it is merely very surprising.

It made me think of myself. Recently I have been drifting in and out of "the whole world hates me" moods more and more frequently. I know it is always just a passing state of mind, but it has dawned on me that there is nobody I really trust who I will turn to.

I am going to cut the post here. Tonight is not a good time to write, nothing is flowing.

Some things are meant to be, the clouds moving fast and free.
The sun on a silver sea. A sky that's bright and blue.

As much as I love to write, I am often put off by not knowing what to write about, and not knowing how to begin. Perhaps it could be the lack of inspiration as some choose to call it, but sometimes it almost seems as though I am suffering from an eternal writer's block. I guess I am just not the sort that likes to write about every day life and happenings I witness and all. In the past, I use to enjoy keeping track of everything I did, every moment, every sight, every sound, every emotion. Until now, I am still that way to a certain extent. I am sentimental that way. I want to remember things, and I enjoy recounting and reminiscing. The difference is I am not as obsessive over remembering already I guess.

I have grown to understand that remembering does not mean whatever you remember will still be there; and recounting does not mean whatever you recount will repeat itself. In this way, I feel my clingy nature on the past has gradually evolved. Now I believe that whatever happens in the moment will become a memory sooner or later. In a sense this has led me to try to seize every moment there is, but also, to believe in the lack of power to hold on to that moment.

This has become more apparent to me lately. I realise I always experience a period of moodiness after a surge of happiness or high-ness (this term is very apt here). It is like the hangover after a party. At that down point, I will constantly try to recall the joy I savoured just moments ago, and will myself to mentally relive it – it never works. I mean, obviously there is no way you can replay it wholly once it is over, but I just feel so lousy after something is over. And I hate how I have to constantly tell myself to be happy that something happened, and not be sad that it is over, when a happy moment is over. I just detest how things transform from a present happening to a mere fragment of my memory so quickly. This largely applies to happy times actually.

This is a bad post. I cannot seem to convey my thoughts properly.  

A post I came across on facebook:

Musings – Ironies
I just came to a realization that I live for others. Responsibilities, duties, tasks give me some form of purpose and structure in my life. If none, I think I would just would live in solitude, in a comfy corner (hopefully) till time ends!! Maybe, that's why I search for projects to undertake, holes to plug, people to look out for, so that my life will feel like it has purpose. Too easily content, or being hideously apathetic, or fearing judgement and a lacking of ambition equates to a lack of drive... Thus experiencing snippets of time where I morbidly enjoy self-withering, the wastage of time and some form of self- depreciation.

Just realised I am very inclined to doing what is pointed out in the above post as well, though it has never occurred to me as living for others. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I can thoroughly and perfectly relate to this post....

Dreams. I believe in having dreams and the power of dreams. When we were young, everyone had dreams. Big dreams – dreams of being successful, of being famous, of being rich. Indeed, these dreams may have been impractical and as insubstantial as thin air, but it was the courage and ability to dream BIG that mattered. What more, those dreams were definitely not restricted by social status quos. To be a firefighter, an artist, a policeman, a rockstar, the president, there were no boundaries. When a kid dreams to be a doctor or lawyer, rarely will they claim it is for the cash. However, with time and age, coupled with the harshness of reality, the will and strength to chase after those dreams begin to dwindle and eventually extinguishes.

I read a really good post about chasing dreams and having the courage to do so yesterday. This abstract struck a chord in me. I found myself being able to relate to what was written, and it almost perfectly summarises my dilemma in life.

"Will you choose to listen to the dream stealers, the people who want you to live the same boring and mediocre lives they do? Will you choose to let your fears win and give up on your dreams? This is the path chosen by many; it is the safe route through life. You will have a somewhat comfortable yet mundane life, with little to no time to do what you really want.

You can be different, though. You can take the path that very few people ever do. Will you choose to be courageous and go after what you really want? Will you choose to ignore the little doubting voice in your head telling you that you can’t, and chase your dreams?"

When I was younger, I use to believe that regardless what the world tells me, I will go all out to fulfil whatever dream I have and do whatever makes me most happy with my life. Then, at the cusp of accomplishment and greatness, I was ever so determined to achieve anything I set out to do, and it was as though nothing could possibly filter through the immense faith I had in myself, and that the world was mine to take. But winners will always be forgotten over time, and victory is not eternal.

Over time, the absence of remainders of my capability and potential to achieve, I began to lose confidence in my abilities and myself as a whole. I slowly started accepting the fact that 'someone will always be better than you' in aspect a little too seriously, and it hindered me greatly in progressing. Unknowingly, it damaged my self-esteem quite a bit I think and I lost my competitive edge almost entirely. I do not think this seemed very apparent to me until recently.

Of course, now I would still love to go after my dreams fearlessly and likewise, do what I love most. I still believe in the power of dreams and that everyone deserves the right to chase after aspirations and goals. Looking back, it is interesting to discover, when I was brimming with hope and drive, I lacked direction. At that point I had no particular field of interest, no goals no aims no objective.

Through the course of this year, I have found an aspect I would love to delve and dabble more in – Theatre. It need not necessarily be what I will work on eventually, but it is something I have developed a passion for. I guess being introduced to the theatre at a young age, and growing up with watching musicals and pantomimes as a regular treat, it is almost inevitable that it would grow on me. The truth is, the magic of theatre has truly moved me and touched my heart. It has made me think and made me feel time and time again. I really grew up believing in the magic of theatrical arts, and now, I have finally fallen in love with it. I mean, one fine day this magic will die off, remaining a mere memory, but before it does I want to embrace it and be part of this magic. That is my current dream – I want to do something good in the theatre, for theatre.

What will I be eventually, I do not know. Frankly, yes the future scares me. And even though this passion for theatre drives and motivates me very very much, I do not know if it is enough for me to choose a career in it. Living in singapore, it breeds paranoia and from young we are taught to conform to the practical/materialistic system, it causes me to hesitate a little. No matter what it is, I want to live my life to its fullest while I am young. And whether or not I will be successful or doing what I like in the very end, I want to be part of the chase now, when I still have the chance to. It is all about the chase. Only now, I want to be part of the chase for my dreams and not simply the paper chase.

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Had the opportunity to work with a theatre company in the past week, as a follow spot operator. Frankly, I enjoyed myself quite a bit, and I liked what I was doing. No matter what anyone says, or what I may say to anyone, I love it, I love theatre work and whatever it is, I want to keep doing it. I do not think menial jobs is demeaning and I do not mind doing them too at this point. I believe in climbing the hierarchy slowly, from the very bottom, relying on my own ability. So as long as deep in my heart I know, I love what I am doing, I know I will be fine.

I have dreamt wide awake,
I have dreamt with my heart.
All I need is a break,
So that the real dream can start.
'Cause I've worked way to hard
To be brushed off just yet.
Time to prove to the world
I'm someone not to forget.

I can't let all my dreams go nowhere.
I won't stop--
Till the day that I finally get there.

I'm a star,
A star.