Masquerade paper faces on parade
Masquerade hide your face so the world will never find you

We are all living behind masks. It isn't necessary a bad thing I guess. The ability to conceal who you truly are is certainly an advantage in many circumstances; of  course, tightly bounded is the element of deceit and delusions. Sometimes I wonder, why do people choose to keep up a particular image and live their whole life under a facade which they deem most ideal? Isn't it tough to maintain so, when you are ultimately forcing yourself into a mould you weren't cut out for? Perhaps people do not know they are living under a false projection. Perhaps it was never bogus. Seemingly, it all boils down to perspective.

But then again, this mode of disguise is what feeds those Hollywood star-wrecks and their counter-parts.

Acting. Every one's an actor; some just take the craft too seriously.

---

Whenever I hear someone passing the remark that someone else is being poseur, I can't help but think: Who are they posing as? Who do you think they are posing as? Who do they themselves think they are posing as? Who did they have in mind to pose as? I mean, there has to be an ideal that they – or everyone – are striving towards, and dying to emulate right?

I have never excelled in poseur-ing; never sought the thrill of it; never toed the line of being good at it. It seems, I have never wholly and rightly been engulfed into the whole religion of mainstream-ism; I have never succeeded in mindlessly professing my loyalty to the Christ of Trend; I have never faithfully converted to a devout devotee at the Church of Cool.

Some days I just feel so Elphaba.

Impressions. Illusions. Images. Instances. Idiosyncrasies. I.

How Will We Love?

As much as I've been telling myself to stop wasting time and to concentrate on work, I spent the last 38 minutes watching part of the above video, and another(update) about 27 minutes writing this post.

I won't firmly say I completely understand or agree with what is said in the video. I mean, the topic of love is very elusive, and come on, I'm fifteen! But it is a wholly undefined and most definitely not concrete concept I feel. I cannot comment much about this at my age, at my point, but I do think it is extremely sad how it is true, that relationships do not seem to sustain in modern society. As statistics reveal in the video, there is indeed a large number of divorce cases occurring, and it is undeniable that this number is bound to rise, exponentially. Similarly, issues mentioned such as adultery and otherwise, they are happening around and we have to face it.

I have said before I do not believe in true love, or the idea that two people can be together for the rest of their lives. Not that my parents have any issues in their marriage, but basically because I feel that livelong commitment and whole-hearted trust and selfless eternal affection are things that homosapiens just cannot seem to manage. Despite all the talk about how one can truly go all out and dedicate their remaining years to being with someone else, once they have found The One they are destined to be with, I do not agree; especially so, in this day and age of globalization and modernization. I just find there is no substantial amount of truth or even evidence, that this is possible.

Not to say that I have loss all faith in human kind, to a certain extent perhaps, but at the end of the day, I just have the thought that it is not practical to be involved so madly in a relationship. Maybe I will only think so now, at this age. But right now I feel, relationships are complicated – any kind of relationships, friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues. Interpersonal bonds at any level are complicated. And it appears so unfamiliar and incomprehensible to me. Additionally, besides its complicity, there is a distinct element of fragility bugs me too. Relationships and ties are just so breakable – one moment it is so strong, so sturdy, and brimming with hope and promise, while the next, it crumbles into smithereens. It is very saddening.

So perhaps it is this mentality of mine about the fragility of relationships that has led me to disbelief the power of love. Of marriage. To put it cuttingly, at this point, I think marriage, or relationships on a whole, is a waste of time. With regards to marriage, isn't it merely a said title? And as for Love, isn't it merely a term humans have made up, as a loose coverage of a huge pool of indescribable emotions? It is all only words; words hold no weight. Isn't it disgusting how words can just be thrown out into the universe, and mean nothing, and everything at the same time? Just look at how all the flowery and sweet-as-sorbet expressions gush out when one is in "love". What bullcrap.

Whatever it is, I do agree I am far from being mature enough to understand the nuances of adults – the whole love, romance, relationship and marriage stunt. Truly, it makes no sense to me. Maybe I come across sounding very naive and even stupid to adults, or even peers, but frankly, this is my two cents worth. And just to put it out, to an even greater extent am I unable to begin to fathom why people of my age would go or desire to enter romantic relationships. Do you honestly know what you are going after? Well, my take would be, you don't. Quit wasting your time i will say. But then again, my words hold no substance.

However, if you do question me about when I feel is the appropriate time one is ready to enter a relationship, my answer (as of now) will be: Never, I do not feel the average human being will ever be able to accumulate enough wisdom and moral sensibility in their life to fully commit in one.

Basically, I just find there is no use building up relationships and tearing them down, hurting many others and yourself in the process. Why put yourself, and those around you, through pain and complication and troubles, when things can go on simply? I guess it is the happenings of this era that damages relations – the way technologically is advancing, slowly ridding people of emotions, as well as the way people are growing more materialistic and power-hungry or wealth-hungry. At the same time, you can't deny that you do see old folks nowadays with their partners, both spotting fully greyed heads and faces plagued with wrinkles, but still holding on to each other endearingly, hobbling with mutual support. But we all know this is a rapidly vanishing sight.

I wonder what the future holds for all couples out there. I wonder how things will be like for my generation. Certainly the rise of divorce cases will continue steeply, or maybe, people will not even get married in the first place, lest the hassle of divorce. But once again I'd like to reiterate, as of now, I do not believe a knight in shining armour will come riding along on a white horse, to sweep me off my feet and to rescue me to my castle in the land of happily ever after. I do not believe there is another person out there that is predestined to be with me for eternity. And I do not believe that people will all suddenly wake up on day and realise the craziness of the things they are currently doing now, and the amount of unnecessary hurt that is brought about in the course of it.

Fundamentally, the ugliness and baseness of human nature is ubiquitous. If not eradicated, amicable interpersonal relations will always remain a chore.

She walks into the room. The room is filled with people. Looking around in search of a familiar face, as though in search for comfort in the crowd, she is disappointed. The hustle and bustle in the room overwhelms her; she feels a tinge of agitation creeping up her spine. She ignores it. Enjoy yourself, it is suppose to be a fun event, she feels the need to remind herself.

She moves through the throngs of people with great difficulty. It disgusts her, having to dodge flailing hands and large, sudden bursts of laughter. The atmosphere is light, and every one is in a good mood. She does not see any reason for such hype. The frenzied action and buzz around her makes her light headed; she feels her head beginning to spin. Colours. Sounds. People. The scene engulfs her like a Leviathan creature.

She shuffles slightly to a corner, in hope of going unnoticed. Her eyes trail the ground. Time creeps in an unforgivingly slow manner, as though taunting her. The heat from the bodies around her is unbearable, she feels awful. Like a blunt knife moving through lukewarm butter. She checks her phone once more. 7:56. Two minutes has passed. She scowls.

Residing in the small, neglected space she has found for herself, she waits. She watches the scene around her. The sudden wish that she had the ability to camouflage into walls screams in her head. It does not help that no one bothers to acknowledge her. The sense of abject loneliness begins to sweep over her, slowly but surely. Like waters from a broken dam, it seems to wash and invade her system; manifesting in her heart and spreading to her spine, and limbs, and up her neck. She feels as though she was being immersed in a pool of warm water. The water breaches her head and cuts off her air – seemingly; her thoughts are jumbled.

She walks into the room. The room is filled with people. But no one is there.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines, no one is there.

It's been a wild week. Despite the whole whirlwind of crazy action, very stressful indeed, there have been a couple of happy days. Well, one happy day. It's suffice I guess, I mean, I made it to Friday? I went out with Jingwen and Peiling on Tuesday to watch Harry Potter, straight after the o level chinese listening paper (which was really easy!). Harry Potter was pretty good, I enjoyed it! It was a neat closure to the whole sequel. I love Harry Potter, ever since the very first movie years ago. A pity that I missed Deathly Hallows Part 1, so it took me a while to get certain parts of part2. Nevertheless, it is a great movie! A little sad that Harry Potter is now over though.

---------------------

Been reading quite a lot lately. Which is a good thing, most definitely. It is nice to get this reading momentum up once again. I read Fahrenheit 451 about a week back, and that got the ball rolling. I love F451, its an amazing book. Ray Bradbury is a GENIUS, truly a huge fan of his writing now. His words are simply beautiful. Have set my mind to go and borrow a couple of his other books from the library; I wonder how long it would take for me to finally do so!

I guess all the book burning action in F451, and Montag's search for answers have inspired me to start reading regularly once again. I realise I have the tendency to think a lot after reading, especially about the themes and morals shared in the book. Take F451, it made me think a lot about our lifelong quests for answers, the abundance of knowledge and the self-imposed limitations that prevent us from getting the most out of it all. I wish I had a friend like Clarisse from F451, she sounds like a lovely character! Similarly, when I was reading Hunger Games, it incited a lot of thought about the theory of Survival of The Fittest, as well as human instincts and nature.

I like to think. I think a lot. And lately I am once again gently reminded, I like to read. How could I forget so.

--------------------

I GOT AN A1 FOR MY LATEST AMATHS TEST!!!!!! I am very happy indeed! For I know, I got it based on merit and I worked super hard for it myself. Totally deserving I say hahahaha.

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high defying gravity
And nobody is ever gonna bring me down

One thing I learnt from the barely-two-decades I have lived is that, barriers are everything and everywhere. They say, if you don't want me to overstep the line, don't draw one. That is wholly not the case, I have since discovered. Lines and barriers, interpersonal lines and barriers, are omnipresent. They are as ubiquitous as the baseness of human nature. I don't set out with the agenda of sounding philosophical, much less pretentious, but truly, this is something I have witnessed and discovered. Not once, but time and time again. I wish someone would correct this mentality that I have.

I always have the tendency to overstep the line. Lines. In fact, I have done it so many times, shooting myself in the feet so many times, I have lost count. And gone numb. I mean, I know that of late I have grown to be a little more self-conscious with regards to this issue, more self-aware. This has in fact made me more conscious and aware, too, of these barriers. I do make the effort to avoid them I guess, mostly futile attempts. Curiosity kills the cat, more often than not.

For the first time ever, the cat has not been killed yet. Merely injured. Ironically, it is not so by external forces. But self-induced. Self-inflicted injuries. I've once read somewhere before: a cat licks it's wounds; a roughness over the pain. The pain may hurt in the process, but it rids the wound of dirt and grim which cakes it, speeding up the recovery process. The cat will die sooner or later anyway.

My words are a little fumbled, but I am quite certain my thoughts are clear. I guess it is good to have a foresight of things before they occur. You can deem it as paranoia, but I feel more secure this way. At least having the knowledge of things in advance allows for precautions to be made, for preventive measures to be built in place.

I do not know where I am heading. But wherever it is, I am certain I am doing it very cautiously. A thought has been constantly bugging me since yesterday, perhaps it is best to let things resume to the way they were before? Allow the distance to return to the way it was then, and maybe it will allow me to discover, that it was the way it has been all along. Or maybe not, maybe.

I am very self-delusional. I have always been. But right now my thoughts are very lucid. I think I am making the right decision. Even if it isn't, let it be. Just let it be. Life goes on. I think I am making the right decision, I hope I am.

Can't I make you understand, you're having delusions of grandeur?

6:28PM

It's days like this where I get that detestable feeling of, hey maybe theatre isn't the thing for me. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. If it ever was. Every once in a while, I get that bugging feeling like I don't belong there. Perhaps I'm better of studying harder, getting a place in a good JC, moving on the graduate and entering uni, and lastly ending it all in a brilliant finale by scoring a professional (but mundane) job – avec stable income, possibly sans joy and fun and the magic theatre offers to bring. But I know, that isn't a finale. None of the endings of these stupid trials are ever finales, or closures – PSLE, O levels, A levels, completion of thesis, getting a degree, getting a job. Alongside you have, entering a club for a first, getting your driver's license, finding a partner, moving to your own house, having a family... the list goes on. There is never a finale; just the prologue to a whole new chapter. Merely a new chapter in the book of life, for which you cannot escape from. It continues on and and on and on and on and on... never-ending.

I do not know what I want. But perhaps – just perhaps – theatre really isn't my true calling. It just doesn't feel right. Today. Now. Honestly how long does the flames of passion burn? How long can they burn for? Will they always remain as intense, as promising. Granting warmth, granting power, granting life. The ability to achieve and conquer any task set. Someone enlighten me please.

------------------------

7:02PM

It's days like this where I no longer feel like living. The image of death lingers faintly at the back of my head. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of pain though. Yet simultaneously, a cruel reminder screams to me that I'll never have the guts to commit any act of that sort, of taking my last breath by choice. To put it out, I have never thought of taking my life ever, maybe because I know all the while that I have never dared to. Never had, probably never will. Yes the truth is I don't.

I wish I could just close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep. A long long sleep in which I am running free, on green meadows dotted carelessly with tiny yellow flowers, their faces glowing radiantly in the rays of sunlight that I run through. The warmth of the Sun embraces me, and I feel safe and comforted. I sit in the middle of the grass patch, in the middle of nowhere. I look around and there are no borders, the meadow is boundless; there is no one in sight. I am alone, gladly alone. I lay down on the soft grass and gaze at the clouds. The blades of grass tickle my ears and arms playfully. But I dont feel annoyed, I feel at peace. I will watch as the fluffy white bundles float effortlessly through the sky, and allow my confined imagination to conjure up the most creative image it can of the clouds. The surroundings are quiet; there are no birds, there are no butterflies, nothing. And when I am well rested, I will stand up and I will continue walking in whichever direction my heart contents. Walking and walking and walking, with no aim or intention or care in mind. Just walking.

----------------------------

7:46PM

I know they are judging me. People love to judge, don't they? They can't help it, I understand. It is natural instinct of them, for them; an innate and irrepressible desire to judge. To develop an impression of someone else within the span of fleeting seconds of their first meeting. I used to think the most ideal way to deal and respond to this was by judging them back – i mean, tit for tat right? Usually in the situation where you know you are being mercilessly judged by another, you are hapless, there is nothing you can do. To defend yourself or to alter that incorrect and undesirable impression they have already formed of you. You have no control at all. But I soon realise, judging them back did not work, unease still plagues me. Especially when the numbers did not show to my advantage; people equals power, the more people you have on your side, the more ground you stand. Then it dawned upon me, the only way to avoid being judged, is the join them. Join them, be on their side; and judge others, WITH them.

It is similar to the situation shown in Hunger Games, a book i'm currently reading. In the story, kids in this live event are made to kill of each other, the last person who remains alive, wins. Survival of the fittest. And so, if you can't kill them, join them. Form an alliance. It is the best way to keep yourself alive for the longest period of time. Of course the point will come when someone has to backstab one of their allies. I mean, its vital. For survival. Survival is everything. Trust is nothing. Trust, is merely nonsense thrown out by humans, at other humans and into the nothingness of space.

I was never them. I was never with them. They disgust me, but yet I want to be them, with them. The complication of interpersonal relations disgust me. And befuddles me too. I want to be there, with them, but I can't.

----

And someone is there. Though their being is there, their mind wanders elsewhere, they are caught up with living some other life of their own. In that moment, the someone thinks, what the fuck i don't give a damn fuck off you.

The someone tries to play along. Look nice. Look approachable. Smile. Smile! As though waiting for the moment to resolve the awkwardness it created itself. A slight tint of nonchalance is reflected subtly in their gaze.

Someone else there, stops. And that someone falls.

And you did not even bother. You do not even bother. In that moment... that moment did not mean anything. Nothing at all.

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

I'm not that girl

Today I decided I will (try my best to) not use the F-word anymore.
Today I reconsidered what I truly want in life.
Today I re-embraced the fact that I don't ever want to grow up.
Today I experienced the sense that I don't belong.
Today I lost a moment.
Today I felt lousy.
Today I realised I am tired.

Perhaps, all along, I have been chasing after something that was never on my hunting ground to begin with... longing to own something that was never in stock on the shelf... yearning for something what was never in my league, never anywhere near being Mine.

Spiritually impoverished. I am quite wasted really. This sounds vaguely familiar, have I said this before? Recently? Perhaps. But I am. Academia is the bane of my life. I cannot begin to reiterate how true this is. It is.

I am not doing well. I know, but what can I do to improve this situation? I know I am not working hard enough, I am more than this. I know I can do it; it is just that, where am I to go to find the will power to? I know I am to seek for it from within, but I cannot seem to get it. What is the use of the aimless search, as I plunder blindly for, for what I do not even know. I want to do well, I know I want it. But how? I cannot bring myself to. I am weak. No motivation, no strength.

I do not know where I want to end up in life. Someone once told me, when I asked, that all she wanted at the very end, is to be happy. I have no idea what makes me happy. I honestly do not know. There is that question mark at the end of every statement. There is never a statement, always a question. Every thing is a question. An endless slur of questions, a whole whirl of queries. Unanswered questions, unacknowledged queries. I am very confused, and as much as I prefer not to, tired.

I rarely get tired. I mean there is always that once in a while, where you shake your head, heave a sigh, furrow your brow... with that great urge, an urge so humungous... to throw your cares in the air, to throw in the towel. That urge, ever so great, ever so strong. And you can practically feel it gnawing at your interiors like an incessant creature, this Leviathan monstrosity. It screams at you, give up, give in, you're through, you're done. Then here comes that defying moment when you stand up and you fight. You shout, NO! I won't give up, I won't give in. I want to do this and I know it well. That passion to preserve, that passion to fight, that passion to live.

I never want to lose that passion to live. That power. It belongs to me. It belongs to each and every one out there. But how many actually do embrace it? I can frankly say, I do not fully... maybe not yet. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever actually started to live yet. When will my life begin. Perhaps when this pathetic flame, quivering in the wind, has finally burned out, will a new fire then ignite, burning with greater passion and might than it did... than it ever will...

And only then, will it sustain and bring light to your life. I want to live. But is it now? It's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live before I die.

--------------

Too many tests. Too little time.
Too many assignments. Too little will.
Too much stress. Too little strength.

Who is worthy and who is not. In life, it is very important that one gets their priorities straight. Sometimes I ponder who is worthy in my life – to me and for me. Who is worth my time, my love, my effort, my will. Who I value exceedingly and who I don't. Who truly means the world to me and who doesn't and who only appears to be.

And there is self-worth. How much do you value yourself? Your entity. What are you worthy of? And what do you set out to project to others, from which they would base your worth on. I feel it is important one loves oneself first, and place oneself in high esteem. Only so, can one love another whole-heartedly. Perhaps loving oneself is the safest, because no matter how bad you feel, or what bad things may occur, you will never truly detest who you are even if you claim so.

Egoism. Vanity. Vice.

------------------

I am selfish. I am self-centred. I am self-absorbed. In my constant plunder of answers, I do not know how much I have gained. Or lost. Frankly, I do not even know what I set out to find. The complexity of the human mind beguiles me, as well as confuses me. It is quite amusing to see your own tricks get used on yourself once in a while. I mean, there are only so few tricks, this is bound to occur. But still, i do not know if i will consider it a pleasant surprise, more of a rude one. As I said before, it is as though I am in an all-seeing point of view. I do not know what I have set out for. And now, I do not know what I should continue searching for. I do not know where I am heading.

Lots of "do not know"s – surfeit of expression, paucity of meaning.

I am suddenly very clear what I want. What I have set out to do. I want to get an A. I want to get As. I have finally awoken. And I will, work for what I want. And I will earn and gain and score everything I desire deservingly. And I do believe, if I set my heart to it, I can do anything. They say, you reap what you sow. I am sowing the seeds right now. It might not be easy, but it does not mean it is impossible. I want this to last. To be worth it. I am better than what I am. To higher heights. Fighting.

Masquerade paper faces on parade
Masquerade hide your face so the world will never find you

We are all living behind masks. It isn't necessary a bad thing I guess. The ability to conceal who you truly are is certainly an advantage in many circumstances; of  course, tightly bounded is the element of deceit and delusions. Sometimes I wonder, why do people choose to keep up a particular image and live their whole life under a facade which they deem most ideal? Isn't it tough to maintain so, when you are ultimately forcing yourself into a mould you weren't cut out for? Perhaps people do not know they are living under a false projection. Perhaps it was never bogus. Seemingly, it all boils down to perspective.

But then again, this mode of disguise is what feeds those Hollywood star-wrecks and their counter-parts.

Acting. Every one's an actor; some just take the craft too seriously.

---

Whenever I hear someone passing the remark that someone else is being poseur, I can't help but think: Who are they posing as? Who do you think they are posing as? Who do they themselves think they are posing as? Who did they have in mind to pose as? I mean, there has to be an ideal that they – or everyone – are striving towards, and dying to emulate right?

I have never excelled in poseur-ing; never sought the thrill of it; never toed the line of being good at it. It seems, I have never wholly and rightly been engulfed into the whole religion of mainstream-ism; I have never succeeded in mindlessly professing my loyalty to the Christ of Trend; I have never faithfully converted to a devout devotee at the Church of Cool.

Some days I just feel so Elphaba.

Impressions. Illusions. Images. Instances. Idiosyncrasies. I.

How Will We Love?

As much as I've been telling myself to stop wasting time and to concentrate on work, I spent the last 38 minutes watching part of the above video, and another(update) about 27 minutes writing this post.

I won't firmly say I completely understand or agree with what is said in the video. I mean, the topic of love is very elusive, and come on, I'm fifteen! But it is a wholly undefined and most definitely not concrete concept I feel. I cannot comment much about this at my age, at my point, but I do think it is extremely sad how it is true, that relationships do not seem to sustain in modern society. As statistics reveal in the video, there is indeed a large number of divorce cases occurring, and it is undeniable that this number is bound to rise, exponentially. Similarly, issues mentioned such as adultery and otherwise, they are happening around and we have to face it.

I have said before I do not believe in true love, or the idea that two people can be together for the rest of their lives. Not that my parents have any issues in their marriage, but basically because I feel that livelong commitment and whole-hearted trust and selfless eternal affection are things that homosapiens just cannot seem to manage. Despite all the talk about how one can truly go all out and dedicate their remaining years to being with someone else, once they have found The One they are destined to be with, I do not agree; especially so, in this day and age of globalization and modernization. I just find there is no substantial amount of truth or even evidence, that this is possible.

Not to say that I have loss all faith in human kind, to a certain extent perhaps, but at the end of the day, I just have the thought that it is not practical to be involved so madly in a relationship. Maybe I will only think so now, at this age. But right now I feel, relationships are complicated – any kind of relationships, friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues. Interpersonal bonds at any level are complicated. And it appears so unfamiliar and incomprehensible to me. Additionally, besides its complicity, there is a distinct element of fragility bugs me too. Relationships and ties are just so breakable – one moment it is so strong, so sturdy, and brimming with hope and promise, while the next, it crumbles into smithereens. It is very saddening.

So perhaps it is this mentality of mine about the fragility of relationships that has led me to disbelief the power of love. Of marriage. To put it cuttingly, at this point, I think marriage, or relationships on a whole, is a waste of time. With regards to marriage, isn't it merely a said title? And as for Love, isn't it merely a term humans have made up, as a loose coverage of a huge pool of indescribable emotions? It is all only words; words hold no weight. Isn't it disgusting how words can just be thrown out into the universe, and mean nothing, and everything at the same time? Just look at how all the flowery and sweet-as-sorbet expressions gush out when one is in "love". What bullcrap.

Whatever it is, I do agree I am far from being mature enough to understand the nuances of adults – the whole love, romance, relationship and marriage stunt. Truly, it makes no sense to me. Maybe I come across sounding very naive and even stupid to adults, or even peers, but frankly, this is my two cents worth. And just to put it out, to an even greater extent am I unable to begin to fathom why people of my age would go or desire to enter romantic relationships. Do you honestly know what you are going after? Well, my take would be, you don't. Quit wasting your time i will say. But then again, my words hold no substance.

However, if you do question me about when I feel is the appropriate time one is ready to enter a relationship, my answer (as of now) will be: Never, I do not feel the average human being will ever be able to accumulate enough wisdom and moral sensibility in their life to fully commit in one.

Basically, I just find there is no use building up relationships and tearing them down, hurting many others and yourself in the process. Why put yourself, and those around you, through pain and complication and troubles, when things can go on simply? I guess it is the happenings of this era that damages relations – the way technologically is advancing, slowly ridding people of emotions, as well as the way people are growing more materialistic and power-hungry or wealth-hungry. At the same time, you can't deny that you do see old folks nowadays with their partners, both spotting fully greyed heads and faces plagued with wrinkles, but still holding on to each other endearingly, hobbling with mutual support. But we all know this is a rapidly vanishing sight.

I wonder what the future holds for all couples out there. I wonder how things will be like for my generation. Certainly the rise of divorce cases will continue steeply, or maybe, people will not even get married in the first place, lest the hassle of divorce. But once again I'd like to reiterate, as of now, I do not believe a knight in shining armour will come riding along on a white horse, to sweep me off my feet and to rescue me to my castle in the land of happily ever after. I do not believe there is another person out there that is predestined to be with me for eternity. And I do not believe that people will all suddenly wake up on day and realise the craziness of the things they are currently doing now, and the amount of unnecessary hurt that is brought about in the course of it.

Fundamentally, the ugliness and baseness of human nature is ubiquitous. If not eradicated, amicable interpersonal relations will always remain a chore.

She walks into the room. The room is filled with people. Looking around in search of a familiar face, as though in search for comfort in the crowd, she is disappointed. The hustle and bustle in the room overwhelms her; she feels a tinge of agitation creeping up her spine. She ignores it. Enjoy yourself, it is suppose to be a fun event, she feels the need to remind herself.

She moves through the throngs of people with great difficulty. It disgusts her, having to dodge flailing hands and large, sudden bursts of laughter. The atmosphere is light, and every one is in a good mood. She does not see any reason for such hype. The frenzied action and buzz around her makes her light headed; she feels her head beginning to spin. Colours. Sounds. People. The scene engulfs her like a Leviathan creature.

She shuffles slightly to a corner, in hope of going unnoticed. Her eyes trail the ground. Time creeps in an unforgivingly slow manner, as though taunting her. The heat from the bodies around her is unbearable, she feels awful. Like a blunt knife moving through lukewarm butter. She checks her phone once more. 7:56. Two minutes has passed. She scowls.

Residing in the small, neglected space she has found for herself, she waits. She watches the scene around her. The sudden wish that she had the ability to camouflage into walls screams in her head. It does not help that no one bothers to acknowledge her. The sense of abject loneliness begins to sweep over her, slowly but surely. Like waters from a broken dam, it seems to wash and invade her system; manifesting in her heart and spreading to her spine, and limbs, and up her neck. She feels as though she was being immersed in a pool of warm water. The water breaches her head and cuts off her air – seemingly; her thoughts are jumbled.

She walks into the room. The room is filled with people. But no one is there.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines, no one is there.

It's been a wild week. Despite the whole whirlwind of crazy action, very stressful indeed, there have been a couple of happy days. Well, one happy day. It's suffice I guess, I mean, I made it to Friday? I went out with Jingwen and Peiling on Tuesday to watch Harry Potter, straight after the o level chinese listening paper (which was really easy!). Harry Potter was pretty good, I enjoyed it! It was a neat closure to the whole sequel. I love Harry Potter, ever since the very first movie years ago. A pity that I missed Deathly Hallows Part 1, so it took me a while to get certain parts of part2. Nevertheless, it is a great movie! A little sad that Harry Potter is now over though.

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Been reading quite a lot lately. Which is a good thing, most definitely. It is nice to get this reading momentum up once again. I read Fahrenheit 451 about a week back, and that got the ball rolling. I love F451, its an amazing book. Ray Bradbury is a GENIUS, truly a huge fan of his writing now. His words are simply beautiful. Have set my mind to go and borrow a couple of his other books from the library; I wonder how long it would take for me to finally do so!

I guess all the book burning action in F451, and Montag's search for answers have inspired me to start reading regularly once again. I realise I have the tendency to think a lot after reading, especially about the themes and morals shared in the book. Take F451, it made me think a lot about our lifelong quests for answers, the abundance of knowledge and the self-imposed limitations that prevent us from getting the most out of it all. I wish I had a friend like Clarisse from F451, she sounds like a lovely character! Similarly, when I was reading Hunger Games, it incited a lot of thought about the theory of Survival of The Fittest, as well as human instincts and nature.

I like to think. I think a lot. And lately I am once again gently reminded, I like to read. How could I forget so.

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I GOT AN A1 FOR MY LATEST AMATHS TEST!!!!!! I am very happy indeed! For I know, I got it based on merit and I worked super hard for it myself. Totally deserving I say hahahaha.

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high defying gravity
And nobody is ever gonna bring me down

One thing I learnt from the barely-two-decades I have lived is that, barriers are everything and everywhere. They say, if you don't want me to overstep the line, don't draw one. That is wholly not the case, I have since discovered. Lines and barriers, interpersonal lines and barriers, are omnipresent. They are as ubiquitous as the baseness of human nature. I don't set out with the agenda of sounding philosophical, much less pretentious, but truly, this is something I have witnessed and discovered. Not once, but time and time again. I wish someone would correct this mentality that I have.

I always have the tendency to overstep the line. Lines. In fact, I have done it so many times, shooting myself in the feet so many times, I have lost count. And gone numb. I mean, I know that of late I have grown to be a little more self-conscious with regards to this issue, more self-aware. This has in fact made me more conscious and aware, too, of these barriers. I do make the effort to avoid them I guess, mostly futile attempts. Curiosity kills the cat, more often than not.

For the first time ever, the cat has not been killed yet. Merely injured. Ironically, it is not so by external forces. But self-induced. Self-inflicted injuries. I've once read somewhere before: a cat licks it's wounds; a roughness over the pain. The pain may hurt in the process, but it rids the wound of dirt and grim which cakes it, speeding up the recovery process. The cat will die sooner or later anyway.

My words are a little fumbled, but I am quite certain my thoughts are clear. I guess it is good to have a foresight of things before they occur. You can deem it as paranoia, but I feel more secure this way. At least having the knowledge of things in advance allows for precautions to be made, for preventive measures to be built in place.

I do not know where I am heading. But wherever it is, I am certain I am doing it very cautiously. A thought has been constantly bugging me since yesterday, perhaps it is best to let things resume to the way they were before? Allow the distance to return to the way it was then, and maybe it will allow me to discover, that it was the way it has been all along. Or maybe not, maybe.

I am very self-delusional. I have always been. But right now my thoughts are very lucid. I think I am making the right decision. Even if it isn't, let it be. Just let it be. Life goes on. I think I am making the right decision, I hope I am.

Can't I make you understand, you're having delusions of grandeur?

6:28PM

It's days like this where I get that detestable feeling of, hey maybe theatre isn't the thing for me. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. If it ever was. Every once in a while, I get that bugging feeling like I don't belong there. Perhaps I'm better of studying harder, getting a place in a good JC, moving on the graduate and entering uni, and lastly ending it all in a brilliant finale by scoring a professional (but mundane) job – avec stable income, possibly sans joy and fun and the magic theatre offers to bring. But I know, that isn't a finale. None of the endings of these stupid trials are ever finales, or closures – PSLE, O levels, A levels, completion of thesis, getting a degree, getting a job. Alongside you have, entering a club for a first, getting your driver's license, finding a partner, moving to your own house, having a family... the list goes on. There is never a finale; just the prologue to a whole new chapter. Merely a new chapter in the book of life, for which you cannot escape from. It continues on and and on and on and on and on... never-ending.

I do not know what I want. But perhaps – just perhaps – theatre really isn't my true calling. It just doesn't feel right. Today. Now. Honestly how long does the flames of passion burn? How long can they burn for? Will they always remain as intense, as promising. Granting warmth, granting power, granting life. The ability to achieve and conquer any task set. Someone enlighten me please.

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7:02PM

It's days like this where I no longer feel like living. The image of death lingers faintly at the back of my head. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of pain though. Yet simultaneously, a cruel reminder screams to me that I'll never have the guts to commit any act of that sort, of taking my last breath by choice. To put it out, I have never thought of taking my life ever, maybe because I know all the while that I have never dared to. Never had, probably never will. Yes the truth is I don't.

I wish I could just close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep. A long long sleep in which I am running free, on green meadows dotted carelessly with tiny yellow flowers, their faces glowing radiantly in the rays of sunlight that I run through. The warmth of the Sun embraces me, and I feel safe and comforted. I sit in the middle of the grass patch, in the middle of nowhere. I look around and there are no borders, the meadow is boundless; there is no one in sight. I am alone, gladly alone. I lay down on the soft grass and gaze at the clouds. The blades of grass tickle my ears and arms playfully. But I dont feel annoyed, I feel at peace. I will watch as the fluffy white bundles float effortlessly through the sky, and allow my confined imagination to conjure up the most creative image it can of the clouds. The surroundings are quiet; there are no birds, there are no butterflies, nothing. And when I am well rested, I will stand up and I will continue walking in whichever direction my heart contents. Walking and walking and walking, with no aim or intention or care in mind. Just walking.

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7:46PM

I know they are judging me. People love to judge, don't they? They can't help it, I understand. It is natural instinct of them, for them; an innate and irrepressible desire to judge. To develop an impression of someone else within the span of fleeting seconds of their first meeting. I used to think the most ideal way to deal and respond to this was by judging them back – i mean, tit for tat right? Usually in the situation where you know you are being mercilessly judged by another, you are hapless, there is nothing you can do. To defend yourself or to alter that incorrect and undesirable impression they have already formed of you. You have no control at all. But I soon realise, judging them back did not work, unease still plagues me. Especially when the numbers did not show to my advantage; people equals power, the more people you have on your side, the more ground you stand. Then it dawned upon me, the only way to avoid being judged, is the join them. Join them, be on their side; and judge others, WITH them.

It is similar to the situation shown in Hunger Games, a book i'm currently reading. In the story, kids in this live event are made to kill of each other, the last person who remains alive, wins. Survival of the fittest. And so, if you can't kill them, join them. Form an alliance. It is the best way to keep yourself alive for the longest period of time. Of course the point will come when someone has to backstab one of their allies. I mean, its vital. For survival. Survival is everything. Trust is nothing. Trust, is merely nonsense thrown out by humans, at other humans and into the nothingness of space.

I was never them. I was never with them. They disgust me, but yet I want to be them, with them. The complication of interpersonal relations disgust me. And befuddles me too. I want to be there, with them, but I can't.

----

And someone is there. Though their being is there, their mind wanders elsewhere, they are caught up with living some other life of their own. In that moment, the someone thinks, what the fuck i don't give a damn fuck off you.

The someone tries to play along. Look nice. Look approachable. Smile. Smile! As though waiting for the moment to resolve the awkwardness it created itself. A slight tint of nonchalance is reflected subtly in their gaze.

Someone else there, stops. And that someone falls.

And you did not even bother. You do not even bother. In that moment... that moment did not mean anything. Nothing at all.

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

I'm not that girl

Today I decided I will (try my best to) not use the F-word anymore.
Today I reconsidered what I truly want in life.
Today I re-embraced the fact that I don't ever want to grow up.
Today I experienced the sense that I don't belong.
Today I lost a moment.
Today I felt lousy.
Today I realised I am tired.

Perhaps, all along, I have been chasing after something that was never on my hunting ground to begin with... longing to own something that was never in stock on the shelf... yearning for something what was never in my league, never anywhere near being Mine.

Spiritually impoverished. I am quite wasted really. This sounds vaguely familiar, have I said this before? Recently? Perhaps. But I am. Academia is the bane of my life. I cannot begin to reiterate how true this is. It is.

I am not doing well. I know, but what can I do to improve this situation? I know I am not working hard enough, I am more than this. I know I can do it; it is just that, where am I to go to find the will power to? I know I am to seek for it from within, but I cannot seem to get it. What is the use of the aimless search, as I plunder blindly for, for what I do not even know. I want to do well, I know I want it. But how? I cannot bring myself to. I am weak. No motivation, no strength.

I do not know where I want to end up in life. Someone once told me, when I asked, that all she wanted at the very end, is to be happy. I have no idea what makes me happy. I honestly do not know. There is that question mark at the end of every statement. There is never a statement, always a question. Every thing is a question. An endless slur of questions, a whole whirl of queries. Unanswered questions, unacknowledged queries. I am very confused, and as much as I prefer not to, tired.

I rarely get tired. I mean there is always that once in a while, where you shake your head, heave a sigh, furrow your brow... with that great urge, an urge so humungous... to throw your cares in the air, to throw in the towel. That urge, ever so great, ever so strong. And you can practically feel it gnawing at your interiors like an incessant creature, this Leviathan monstrosity. It screams at you, give up, give in, you're through, you're done. Then here comes that defying moment when you stand up and you fight. You shout, NO! I won't give up, I won't give in. I want to do this and I know it well. That passion to preserve, that passion to fight, that passion to live.

I never want to lose that passion to live. That power. It belongs to me. It belongs to each and every one out there. But how many actually do embrace it? I can frankly say, I do not fully... maybe not yet. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever actually started to live yet. When will my life begin. Perhaps when this pathetic flame, quivering in the wind, has finally burned out, will a new fire then ignite, burning with greater passion and might than it did... than it ever will...

And only then, will it sustain and bring light to your life. I want to live. But is it now? It's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live before I die.

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Too many tests. Too little time.
Too many assignments. Too little will.
Too much stress. Too little strength.

Who is worthy and who is not. In life, it is very important that one gets their priorities straight. Sometimes I ponder who is worthy in my life – to me and for me. Who is worth my time, my love, my effort, my will. Who I value exceedingly and who I don't. Who truly means the world to me and who doesn't and who only appears to be.

And there is self-worth. How much do you value yourself? Your entity. What are you worthy of? And what do you set out to project to others, from which they would base your worth on. I feel it is important one loves oneself first, and place oneself in high esteem. Only so, can one love another whole-heartedly. Perhaps loving oneself is the safest, because no matter how bad you feel, or what bad things may occur, you will never truly detest who you are even if you claim so.

Egoism. Vanity. Vice.

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I am selfish. I am self-centred. I am self-absorbed. In my constant plunder of answers, I do not know how much I have gained. Or lost. Frankly, I do not even know what I set out to find. The complexity of the human mind beguiles me, as well as confuses me. It is quite amusing to see your own tricks get used on yourself once in a while. I mean, there are only so few tricks, this is bound to occur. But still, i do not know if i will consider it a pleasant surprise, more of a rude one. As I said before, it is as though I am in an all-seeing point of view. I do not know what I have set out for. And now, I do not know what I should continue searching for. I do not know where I am heading.

Lots of "do not know"s – surfeit of expression, paucity of meaning.

I am suddenly very clear what I want. What I have set out to do. I want to get an A. I want to get As. I have finally awoken. And I will, work for what I want. And I will earn and gain and score everything I desire deservingly. And I do believe, if I set my heart to it, I can do anything. They say, you reap what you sow. I am sowing the seeds right now. It might not be easy, but it does not mean it is impossible. I want this to last. To be worth it. I am better than what I am. To higher heights. Fighting.