Resolution is to try to be alive when it counts, rest when I should, think hard when I'm emotional, and feel more when tough thoughts enter. Stay focused when there's distractions, open up possibilities when I'm too stuck in my cave. Be happy for the small things, and be respectful and humble at the great ones. To see what others have got right and what I've got wrong. To not be afraid, to not be too cocky, and maybe everything will turn out alright after all.

Borrowing this from T. So nicely worded, I honestly have nothing to add or discount to this post of his – perfect. Indeed, it is thoroughly well-thought through and incredibly well illustrated. I hope to strive for all he has said as well. Blessings and thoughts to him!

She spent most of her days thinking. She spent most of her days alone. Things had gradually evolved for her, and this was now the norm. A tinge of what seemed like greyness had encased her life, and though she was unable to put a finger on what the source of this intangible greyness was, it bugged her. Gloom, they call it, she thought. It was gloom. Was it?

Peering out of the tainted lens that distorted her image of the world, she sensed the remnants of colour. It was colour. Colour and light. She reached out, as though in a bid to grasp the colour. Suddenly, everything disintegrated. The colours merged discordantly, translating to a disgusting shade of chaos. Gloom, it had returned.

She sat alone. No, she was not alone. She was at a dinner, dinner with a group of friends. Merry making acquaintances. She tried to will herself to pay attention to the inane chatter the group, with futile half-hearted attempts to engage in the meaningless exchanges. She could not help drifting out to her own little mental corner of emptiness as her meal mates prattled on. She was not there, she did not feel like she was there at the dinner table. An element of invisibility had seemed to overtaken her spirit; she felt a sense of lightness, juxtaposed with the burden of accumulated gloom she carried stoically on her shoulders.

She excused herself from the table, making a swift escape to the restrooms. She stood facing the long panel of wide mirrors which lined the sinks, secretly thanking the heavens for allowing her the space of an empty restroom. She needed that space. More the mental space, than the physical. She simply needed that space, away from people, to recover from the unhappiness she subjected herself to.

She scrutinised her image in the mirror – every line, every curve. Her reflection looked so familiar, and unfamiliar. She faked a smile. It looked convincingly gleeful, she concluded. Who was she kidding?

She silently wished someone would appear, and take her into their embrace. To hug her closely against their self, and to tell her she was loved. She yearned for love, to be loved. She did not want a partner, no, that will be misreading her sentiments entirely. She merely wished for a kind soul to ease her sorrow just a little by offering that little bit of concern.

She thought about how she had established herself as one who repulsed hugs. And the times she had rejected cuddles from those around her, for no particular reason. It just did not come to her naturally. It was times like these where she wished someone would go up and be nice to her spontaneously, and that she would openly accept it without qualms at all. She knew it was times like these which punished her so mercilessly for all the times she had forgone. She knew, and it hurt. Why can't someone love me, she thought.

She is reminded of the few people she loved to meet. About how she loved the way they displayed their care and love for her so uninhibitedly, how they hugged her upon sight. She wished that few people was there with her at that very moment. She thought about how she wished day and night she could constantly meet those people, for the hugs, for the care, for the love.

A tear escaped from her painstakingly outlined waterline, down her well-defined cheekbones, meandering round the fine contours of her face. She chided herself for allowing her emotions to threaten the flawlessness of her painted face, but she could not control the feelings that were brewing within her.

Filled with self-detestation, she felt completely hapless as she collapsed onto the sleek marble toilet flooring in a heap, as the tears warped her vision. Like a spurned devotee, she wept quietly, enveloped in her own personal torment. She wanted to be hugged, to be loved. So many years of shutting affection out of her concrete life had finally brought along the days where everything had started crumbling. It was not the first time a tsunami of emotions had struck her, in fact, the occurrences had exponentially increased lately. She knew that. She was very aware of her current state. She was a mess.

She buried her face in her palms and hugged her knees close to her chest. Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? She tried to shut it out, but the question screamed in her head repeatedly like a siren, driving her to the edge of insanity. The mental tape loop of infuriating resentments tormented her to no end. She tried to calm herself down. Breathe.

Her breathing stabilised, her eyes fluttered as she regained clear sight. She stared in stillness, for a moment, and anoesis descended. She mended her make up haphazardly, straightened her skirt and made for the door. The world was waiting, she had to return.

Too many years, fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

I have begun treating this one person with more niceness lately. Told my self on day one I shall treat her well – with kindness, and care, and respect, and lots of love. Secretly, I had already willed myself to changed my entire perception towards her, and in the course of it, hopefully alter the impression she had of me as well. I was determine to make things right, to start a new chapter and rip out the last, to bring light to her life while illuminating my own.

And so a fresh start it was. On a good note.

As the days go by, my tenacity did not wane. It was a silent promise I had made to myself, that I had made to her. Smiles along the corridor, exuberant greetings, utter respect and attention, and simple words of concern. Honestly, I cannot quite ascertain how effective it has all been. I do hope our relationship has improved somehow.

Interestingly, I had uncovered that with this sense of open-mindedness and willingness to get to know someone all over again has indeed revealed many things that never surfaced prior to it. Starting on a clean slate after an entire year truly made a difference. I have no idea how things will be later on, and although my buddies are absolutely set on believing that things are bound to go downhill again, I feel oppositely. I feel we have a chance. I have a shot at this, to make it right. To make it end right. I am beginning to take a liking for her. Afterall, she is merely a misunderstood party trying to do her part with utmost dedication and effort.

When I saw the note that day which said: "OMG I REALLY LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH. HOW?? :(" I thought, maybe i'd be the one writing something like that come end of the year? hahahahaha perhaps, but I think it is sooo cute a note! And it is evident she treasures those notes a lot. Channelling lots of love and thought to her!

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness, for the things I've done you blamed me for. But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Being nice. I have reminded myself repeatedly, I shall be a nicer person this year. It is tough in the sense that, the progression from 2011 to 2012 has not been extremely significant for me. The lines of time are pretty blur, and to a large extent, I do not feel much of a transition from one passage of time to a fresh one. Perhaps to look at it in a different perspective, time does not really play an integral part in this process of self-improvement. In fact, it is quite entirely independent of it, so much that I ought to be able to embark and succeed in it without a single regard for time.

Then again, time is merely an excuse. We all know that. How many a time have we said we have the time to do something another time? Time is simply a deciding factor we slip into equations to comfort and console ourselves, to slightly ease the pangs of guilt we experience upon realising our inadequacies in fulfilling simple tasks we bind ourselves to. And while we are on the subject of excuses, how many times have we told ourselves we will stop giving excuses? Or even, to stop giving excuses to give excuses? I know I myself have pledged repeatedly to put a definite end to excuses giving, well, unfortunately, no triumph in that call til date.

To pull things in a little, back to our sole focus. My primary focus of this entry – being nice. In order to make this resolution a little more achievable, I have decided to take in all really slowly, in my own pace. Of course, this is not a loose excuse or cheap talk; I just do not want to intimidate myself by overcommitting to it, knowing I will abandon it midway. I do not want to abort this resolution, not this one. For the simple reason that it is a good one. I know it is silly to self-proclaim the goodness of one's own resolution, but I believe many others would concur that its fundamentals are indeed very aspiring, and come on, it is good to be nice! It is just not that straight-forward, as it is tough when people constantly get in your grill and grate at your nerves for no pinpoint reason at all!

I have attempted to start on this resolution (I keep trying to think of a synonym for 'resolution' but... Are there any synonyms for 'resolution???) Selectively, I have begun to be nicer to a couple of people. Not too many, but there are a specific few whom I have made conscious effort to.

I have my mind set of being nicer to teachers too. On one hand this will help me improve my character I hope, and secondly, I hope it will help improve my grades as well. You see, it has always been a known fact that I do well under teachers I like or in subjects that I like. Thus, with the improvement of my treatment of my teachers, I am certain it will be easier for me to like them. Or so I believe.

I have been trying had to get a grip on my own psyche lately; nothing too earth-shaking like a study of psychology or whatnot, its not rocket science, but instead, just hoping to get a better understanding of my own thinking. From which, I have gathered my mental capacity to favour or detest something oscillates between the two polar extremes very quickly, in a rather volatile manner you can put it. As such, I have deduced that in order to adjust a negative mind-set of mine, all I have to do it tweak some of my opinion of the subject slightly, and naturally, we will found ourselves at the other end of the spectrum soon enough. I know it probably sounds too simplistic or even improbable, but this is what I have discovered about myself – I am that easily swayed. So much that somehow or another, I will be able to hash into my own system to reinstate things. It is insane, sure.

Backdated: 24/1/2012, 5:46PM
It's Chinese new year. Year after year Chinese new years seem to have lost it's significance for me. Primarily because it does not really "stand for much" for me. I mean, many of us see the first-of-january-new-year as a new lease of life, a new chance to start over once more. However, when we get to the Chinese new year, which normally falls a mere month away, it simply does not show up as much of a "new beginning" any more. Hence, Chinese new year just seem to have an increasingly small impact on me. Despite so, it definitely does not overwrite the fact that I do respect and abide by traditional Chinese practices and customs, and I am proud to be a Chinese. It is merely the date and festivities that does not strike me much anymore.

-----

January is almost over. Well, I am pleased. Starting 2012 on a quiet note, things have largely been pretty smooth and manageable thus far.

Every year I fret extensively over new years resolutions. This year, however, I have put it off for quite a bit. Needless to say, I still have not come up with much. But to be honest, I have indeed best fretting over it in secrecy. I think it is probably due to the fear of being unable to fulfil the resolutions I set for myself. Every year, I try to tell myself, set a couple of good resolutions and keep to them. It always falls through. As such, I have refused to commit myself to any this year. Or perhaps, I am living in denial - to the fact that, I cannot seem to fulfil any thoroughly.

But I believe in the importance of self-reflection and self-improvement.

So this year, I shall strive towards academic success. In order to do so, all the clichés and over-rated must-dos are unavoidable - good time management, discipline and focus, motivation and positivity, the list is endless. Though I am not fully confident I will achieve all, I do hope I will be able to do enough to assure success. I want to help myself, infuse myself, in the right state-of-mind and to constantly upkeep the right attitude - one that is keen to learn, one that is compelled to fight for victory.

Another thing I really hope to work on, is my relationship with people around me. I am aware that I have not been particularly nice to people lately; in fact, over time, I am becoming increasingly mean and detestable to and at those around me – inwardly and sometimes outwardly. It is not that I do not like being nice. Well nice in itself is elusive, lets put it as such, to be nice as in be kind and respectful and sensitive and aware about others. I guess for just too long, I just could not bring myself to give a care. It is too hard to care when you begin to lose faith in all of the human race, don't you agree? But I have decided to be nicer. And I shall. Because, if I do not love others, who will love me? Save the answer.

As cliche as it sounds, time flies! ..... ok well this line is a cliche in itself already (ps i use it all the time in cards!) but it is, in itself, a fact too. time really zips by, honestly it is tough to believe we're to be back in school tomorrow. where did the holidays go?

Nonetheless, I do think I spent my holidays pretty well. I caught up on sleep, relaxed a lot and I am rejuvenated. I worked on a show, I watched pushing daisies, I did my assignments, I spent time with my family, I went to the zoo, I went to Wicked! :) It was indeed a holiday well spent – holiday style! Quite a shame I did not get to go overseas, but no doubt I did have a rather good time in Singapore.

Well I guess this is it. The race official begins when it strikes twelve tonight. I have told myself I do not want to make any empty promises, to myself or to any one else, for this year. I shall not set myself any impossible goals – I will be ambitious and strive hard and far, but being as practical as possible as well at the same time. I will try to be focused and to look beyond the present plight I will be in. I shall no subject myself to excessive self-depreciation and shall try to cultivate a healthy, positive outlook. Will need to teach myself to cope with stress more effectively, and to use my time wisely too.

Regardless of what is said now, they will just be words. It is a new year, even if the cynic in me might scream: IT IS JUST 3 DAYS AFTER "LAST YEAR", it shall be an opportunity that I must seize. To start once more and to get it right.

May 2012 be a WICKED year! Let the games begin!

Resolution is to try to be alive when it counts, rest when I should, think hard when I'm emotional, and feel more when tough thoughts enter. Stay focused when there's distractions, open up possibilities when I'm too stuck in my cave. Be happy for the small things, and be respectful and humble at the great ones. To see what others have got right and what I've got wrong. To not be afraid, to not be too cocky, and maybe everything will turn out alright after all.

Borrowing this from T. So nicely worded, I honestly have nothing to add or discount to this post of his – perfect. Indeed, it is thoroughly well-thought through and incredibly well illustrated. I hope to strive for all he has said as well. Blessings and thoughts to him!

She spent most of her days thinking. She spent most of her days alone. Things had gradually evolved for her, and this was now the norm. A tinge of what seemed like greyness had encased her life, and though she was unable to put a finger on what the source of this intangible greyness was, it bugged her. Gloom, they call it, she thought. It was gloom. Was it?

Peering out of the tainted lens that distorted her image of the world, she sensed the remnants of colour. It was colour. Colour and light. She reached out, as though in a bid to grasp the colour. Suddenly, everything disintegrated. The colours merged discordantly, translating to a disgusting shade of chaos. Gloom, it had returned.

She sat alone. No, she was not alone. She was at a dinner, dinner with a group of friends. Merry making acquaintances. She tried to will herself to pay attention to the inane chatter the group, with futile half-hearted attempts to engage in the meaningless exchanges. She could not help drifting out to her own little mental corner of emptiness as her meal mates prattled on. She was not there, she did not feel like she was there at the dinner table. An element of invisibility had seemed to overtaken her spirit; she felt a sense of lightness, juxtaposed with the burden of accumulated gloom she carried stoically on her shoulders.

She excused herself from the table, making a swift escape to the restrooms. She stood facing the long panel of wide mirrors which lined the sinks, secretly thanking the heavens for allowing her the space of an empty restroom. She needed that space. More the mental space, than the physical. She simply needed that space, away from people, to recover from the unhappiness she subjected herself to.

She scrutinised her image in the mirror – every line, every curve. Her reflection looked so familiar, and unfamiliar. She faked a smile. It looked convincingly gleeful, she concluded. Who was she kidding?

She silently wished someone would appear, and take her into their embrace. To hug her closely against their self, and to tell her she was loved. She yearned for love, to be loved. She did not want a partner, no, that will be misreading her sentiments entirely. She merely wished for a kind soul to ease her sorrow just a little by offering that little bit of concern.

She thought about how she had established herself as one who repulsed hugs. And the times she had rejected cuddles from those around her, for no particular reason. It just did not come to her naturally. It was times like these where she wished someone would go up and be nice to her spontaneously, and that she would openly accept it without qualms at all. She knew it was times like these which punished her so mercilessly for all the times she had forgone. She knew, and it hurt. Why can't someone love me, she thought.

She is reminded of the few people she loved to meet. About how she loved the way they displayed their care and love for her so uninhibitedly, how they hugged her upon sight. She wished that few people was there with her at that very moment. She thought about how she wished day and night she could constantly meet those people, for the hugs, for the care, for the love.

A tear escaped from her painstakingly outlined waterline, down her well-defined cheekbones, meandering round the fine contours of her face. She chided herself for allowing her emotions to threaten the flawlessness of her painted face, but she could not control the feelings that were brewing within her.

Filled with self-detestation, she felt completely hapless as she collapsed onto the sleek marble toilet flooring in a heap, as the tears warped her vision. Like a spurned devotee, she wept quietly, enveloped in her own personal torment. She wanted to be hugged, to be loved. So many years of shutting affection out of her concrete life had finally brought along the days where everything had started crumbling. It was not the first time a tsunami of emotions had struck her, in fact, the occurrences had exponentially increased lately. She knew that. She was very aware of her current state. She was a mess.

She buried her face in her palms and hugged her knees close to her chest. Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? Why won't anyone love me? She tried to shut it out, but the question screamed in her head repeatedly like a siren, driving her to the edge of insanity. The mental tape loop of infuriating resentments tormented her to no end. She tried to calm herself down. Breathe.

Her breathing stabilised, her eyes fluttered as she regained clear sight. She stared in stillness, for a moment, and anoesis descended. She mended her make up haphazardly, straightened her skirt and made for the door. The world was waiting, she had to return.

Too many years, fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

I have begun treating this one person with more niceness lately. Told my self on day one I shall treat her well – with kindness, and care, and respect, and lots of love. Secretly, I had already willed myself to changed my entire perception towards her, and in the course of it, hopefully alter the impression she had of me as well. I was determine to make things right, to start a new chapter and rip out the last, to bring light to her life while illuminating my own.

And so a fresh start it was. On a good note.

As the days go by, my tenacity did not wane. It was a silent promise I had made to myself, that I had made to her. Smiles along the corridor, exuberant greetings, utter respect and attention, and simple words of concern. Honestly, I cannot quite ascertain how effective it has all been. I do hope our relationship has improved somehow.

Interestingly, I had uncovered that with this sense of open-mindedness and willingness to get to know someone all over again has indeed revealed many things that never surfaced prior to it. Starting on a clean slate after an entire year truly made a difference. I have no idea how things will be later on, and although my buddies are absolutely set on believing that things are bound to go downhill again, I feel oppositely. I feel we have a chance. I have a shot at this, to make it right. To make it end right. I am beginning to take a liking for her. Afterall, she is merely a misunderstood party trying to do her part with utmost dedication and effort.

When I saw the note that day which said: "OMG I REALLY LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH. HOW?? :(" I thought, maybe i'd be the one writing something like that come end of the year? hahahahaha perhaps, but I think it is sooo cute a note! And it is evident she treasures those notes a lot. Channelling lots of love and thought to her!

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness, for the things I've done you blamed me for. But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Being nice. I have reminded myself repeatedly, I shall be a nicer person this year. It is tough in the sense that, the progression from 2011 to 2012 has not been extremely significant for me. The lines of time are pretty blur, and to a large extent, I do not feel much of a transition from one passage of time to a fresh one. Perhaps to look at it in a different perspective, time does not really play an integral part in this process of self-improvement. In fact, it is quite entirely independent of it, so much that I ought to be able to embark and succeed in it without a single regard for time.

Then again, time is merely an excuse. We all know that. How many a time have we said we have the time to do something another time? Time is simply a deciding factor we slip into equations to comfort and console ourselves, to slightly ease the pangs of guilt we experience upon realising our inadequacies in fulfilling simple tasks we bind ourselves to. And while we are on the subject of excuses, how many times have we told ourselves we will stop giving excuses? Or even, to stop giving excuses to give excuses? I know I myself have pledged repeatedly to put a definite end to excuses giving, well, unfortunately, no triumph in that call til date.

To pull things in a little, back to our sole focus. My primary focus of this entry – being nice. In order to make this resolution a little more achievable, I have decided to take in all really slowly, in my own pace. Of course, this is not a loose excuse or cheap talk; I just do not want to intimidate myself by overcommitting to it, knowing I will abandon it midway. I do not want to abort this resolution, not this one. For the simple reason that it is a good one. I know it is silly to self-proclaim the goodness of one's own resolution, but I believe many others would concur that its fundamentals are indeed very aspiring, and come on, it is good to be nice! It is just not that straight-forward, as it is tough when people constantly get in your grill and grate at your nerves for no pinpoint reason at all!

I have attempted to start on this resolution (I keep trying to think of a synonym for 'resolution' but... Are there any synonyms for 'resolution???) Selectively, I have begun to be nicer to a couple of people. Not too many, but there are a specific few whom I have made conscious effort to.

I have my mind set of being nicer to teachers too. On one hand this will help me improve my character I hope, and secondly, I hope it will help improve my grades as well. You see, it has always been a known fact that I do well under teachers I like or in subjects that I like. Thus, with the improvement of my treatment of my teachers, I am certain it will be easier for me to like them. Or so I believe.

I have been trying had to get a grip on my own psyche lately; nothing too earth-shaking like a study of psychology or whatnot, its not rocket science, but instead, just hoping to get a better understanding of my own thinking. From which, I have gathered my mental capacity to favour or detest something oscillates between the two polar extremes very quickly, in a rather volatile manner you can put it. As such, I have deduced that in order to adjust a negative mind-set of mine, all I have to do it tweak some of my opinion of the subject slightly, and naturally, we will found ourselves at the other end of the spectrum soon enough. I know it probably sounds too simplistic or even improbable, but this is what I have discovered about myself – I am that easily swayed. So much that somehow or another, I will be able to hash into my own system to reinstate things. It is insane, sure.

Backdated: 24/1/2012, 5:46PM
It's Chinese new year. Year after year Chinese new years seem to have lost it's significance for me. Primarily because it does not really "stand for much" for me. I mean, many of us see the first-of-january-new-year as a new lease of life, a new chance to start over once more. However, when we get to the Chinese new year, which normally falls a mere month away, it simply does not show up as much of a "new beginning" any more. Hence, Chinese new year just seem to have an increasingly small impact on me. Despite so, it definitely does not overwrite the fact that I do respect and abide by traditional Chinese practices and customs, and I am proud to be a Chinese. It is merely the date and festivities that does not strike me much anymore.

-----

January is almost over. Well, I am pleased. Starting 2012 on a quiet note, things have largely been pretty smooth and manageable thus far.

Every year I fret extensively over new years resolutions. This year, however, I have put it off for quite a bit. Needless to say, I still have not come up with much. But to be honest, I have indeed best fretting over it in secrecy. I think it is probably due to the fear of being unable to fulfil the resolutions I set for myself. Every year, I try to tell myself, set a couple of good resolutions and keep to them. It always falls through. As such, I have refused to commit myself to any this year. Or perhaps, I am living in denial - to the fact that, I cannot seem to fulfil any thoroughly.

But I believe in the importance of self-reflection and self-improvement.

So this year, I shall strive towards academic success. In order to do so, all the clichés and over-rated must-dos are unavoidable - good time management, discipline and focus, motivation and positivity, the list is endless. Though I am not fully confident I will achieve all, I do hope I will be able to do enough to assure success. I want to help myself, infuse myself, in the right state-of-mind and to constantly upkeep the right attitude - one that is keen to learn, one that is compelled to fight for victory.

Another thing I really hope to work on, is my relationship with people around me. I am aware that I have not been particularly nice to people lately; in fact, over time, I am becoming increasingly mean and detestable to and at those around me – inwardly and sometimes outwardly. It is not that I do not like being nice. Well nice in itself is elusive, lets put it as such, to be nice as in be kind and respectful and sensitive and aware about others. I guess for just too long, I just could not bring myself to give a care. It is too hard to care when you begin to lose faith in all of the human race, don't you agree? But I have decided to be nicer. And I shall. Because, if I do not love others, who will love me? Save the answer.

As cliche as it sounds, time flies! ..... ok well this line is a cliche in itself already (ps i use it all the time in cards!) but it is, in itself, a fact too. time really zips by, honestly it is tough to believe we're to be back in school tomorrow. where did the holidays go?

Nonetheless, I do think I spent my holidays pretty well. I caught up on sleep, relaxed a lot and I am rejuvenated. I worked on a show, I watched pushing daisies, I did my assignments, I spent time with my family, I went to the zoo, I went to Wicked! :) It was indeed a holiday well spent – holiday style! Quite a shame I did not get to go overseas, but no doubt I did have a rather good time in Singapore.

Well I guess this is it. The race official begins when it strikes twelve tonight. I have told myself I do not want to make any empty promises, to myself or to any one else, for this year. I shall not set myself any impossible goals – I will be ambitious and strive hard and far, but being as practical as possible as well at the same time. I will try to be focused and to look beyond the present plight I will be in. I shall no subject myself to excessive self-depreciation and shall try to cultivate a healthy, positive outlook. Will need to teach myself to cope with stress more effectively, and to use my time wisely too.

Regardless of what is said now, they will just be words. It is a new year, even if the cynic in me might scream: IT IS JUST 3 DAYS AFTER "LAST YEAR", it shall be an opportunity that I must seize. To start once more and to get it right.

May 2012 be a WICKED year! Let the games begin!