Something has changed within me, something is not the same.

In the midst of the fast-paced operation and movement of every passing day, somewhere in the whole whirl-wind of events, something happened. In fact, many things occur, many of which have elicited change inside of me. I trust people evolve every day. I believe people are inconsistent, and that the smallest of matters can bring about grave adjustment to a person. With regards to myself, over the past few months, many things have indeed occurred, shaping and reforming me again and again. I have attempted to search within myself in a bid to discover what these things are. It repeatedly bugs me how futile my efforts have been, trying but to no avail. But undeniably transformation has ensued and is underway. Metamorphosis.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

For as long as I can discern, I have been thoroughly encased in the web of unfamiliarity. In a paradigm. In a dimension. Whose grounds that have been so well-trodden, by countless other individuals; but somehow, they never seemed like home-grounds to me, even though I have been aimlessly traversing them for almost fifteen years. Perhaps a decade and a half is not as long as it feels at all. Perhaps no amount of time will ever allow me to adapt to these grounds. But this is life, is it not? And who can escape life? I have always wondered time and time again about the nuances of life and the innumerable paths if offers. More so, trying to identify which path I am decreed to take. At least for now I am certain of the direction I am to head in, in fact it is very clear. But what proceeds after is wholly irresolute. Regardless so, I am perfectly aware that whatever it is, I have to keep moving. Only now, I will be the one in charge of my own life.

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.

I may not be able to determine the future, but I have the power to determine how I create it. I feel as though I have been awaken, struck by an epiphany. In my mind's eye, I vaguely see what I want, where I want to be. Though I might have dreams and wishes and aspirations, the passion in my soul is often suppressed by the practicality of my nature. There are so many unreachable things I desire, but I know what is required of me and what I ought to have and ought to do. It is not a bad thing I guess, to be able to differentiate "I wish" from "I must", and "I could" from "I should". Now, I understand. And there is no allowance for doubt.

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...

Now, I understand. I understand the way the lines of fantasy and reality intertwine. And somehow, I am now empowered with the strength to conquer. What will I conquer? What do I want to conquer? There are so many things I want to conquer, and yet I have never done majority. But now, I want to do it. I can feel it in me, the hankering to achieve. This is no time to falter, or to crumble under the preponderance of doubt over will. I can feel the inception of a whole new journey within me; the rudimentary knowledge of this entirely new game slowly settles in me. And I am ready to play.

And leap.  

I am ready to win. I am stronger than ever. This is not the end, but the mere beginning. All my life I have been awaiting the occurrence of something, anything. But now, I finally see it – nothing will ever happen as a result of this waiting; it is up to me to make something work. If it can be anytime, it is now. If it is anyone, it will be me.

I'm through with accepting limits, 'cause someone says they're so.

When I was younger, I used to genuinely believe everyone was destined for greatness. Everyone including myself. As the years tripped by over rocks and gravel, obstacles and vicissitudes gnawed on me and I lost faith in success, in achieving success. Failure triumphed and the humongous urge to relinquish threatened to prevail. Failure after failure after failure. I had forgotten the essence of success; the sweet, succulent taste of success. Of winning and being the best. I no longer knew how to succeed, much less how to be the ultimate best. Even more so, have I forgotten my personal best and my ability to soar.

Some things I cannot change, but til I try I'll never know.

Regret has never been an emotion foreign to me. There are many things I feel remorseful towards, that I feel remorseful over. There are numerous occasions I wish I could rewrite and heaps of bygones I wish I could alter. But as it has always been repeated, what has past has passed. Just like how I should have worked harder at the start of the year, how I should have been nicer to many people, how I should have had more foresight. Perhaps it is truly a virtue to be able to live in the moment, or to harbour great foresight. Constantly looking over your shoulder and fretting over the vestiges of the past is not going to get anyone anywhere. What more, there will always be too many "should haves" and too many "what ifs".

Too long I've been afraid of, losing love I guess I've lost.

As a young girl growing up, I used to love attention as much as I loved to win. Basking under the approving gaze of everyone allowed me a sense of pride and accomplishment. It made me feel appreciated and it made me feel like I actually mattered. It motivated me to strive high and propelled me to success. I was a winner, a winner who was soon forgotten. I tell myself, applause fades, trophies gather dust and winners are soon forgotten. For so long I have indoctrinated myself to believe so. No, it is not the case, it is denial I have been living in. I was never a winner who was forgotten, but a player who lost. I gave up the game, in fear I backed out. 

I enjoyed having many people around me. Sashay around with a trusty entourage in tow and hanging around with a bunch to chatter inanely with was a thrill. It was the days of the more the merrier. Gradually with time, maturity swept away the inclination for the abundance of broad friendships. The notion of acceptance slowly faded into insignificance. Instead, I begun to embrace the betterment of independence and individuality. Afterall, succumbing to status quo or social expectations has always been way too bothersome.

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

Someone once told me: 'Be alone, be by yourself. Do what you can and do what you will. On your own you will survive and you will thrive.' So I tell myself that all the time, like a twisted mantra. Why depend on someone else when I can be on my own? Of course I understand the terms of social interdependence and the importance and convenience of an intermingling community, but sometimes the thought of riding solo seems to appeal more outstandingly to me. And just a thought, it is conclusively much easier and much less risky to love oneself than another, isn't it?

Where do I begin?

First of, I am finally free! Free but not free. It is almost as one bolt unlocks itself, another tightens. I know I will never truly be free. Trapped in a cage in a cage in a cage. Free from one but still confined in another. Whatever it is, I am slightly comforted I lived through the past 2 months or so. It has definitely been a very stressful period of time, physically, mentally and emotionally very strenuous and taxing. True enough, I do feel to some extent I am a stronger person, and more ready to face the intensity of next year, as compared to how I was months ago.

Then comes the next question. Did all the hard work pay off? In a way yes, I mean there is no doubt tremendous improvement in all my grades, although I still have a couple of C grades. But this round of assessments has indeed proven to me that, those who work reap the results they deserve. No pain no gain, they say. And yes, those who fight the hardest, slog their guts out, will truly get what they deserve in the end. The good triumph and the bad fall. Survival of the fittest once again. It is intense, it is so real. Personally, I believe that every grade and every result I received in this exam has been my very own deserving – be it good or bad, only I am unanswerably for it.

I guess I am beginning to learn to be responsible for my own academic performance and track record. It is true that at the end of the day, I am studying for myself, not for my parents or teachers or the school. Of course I would not want to grow up and harbour deep regrets for not trying hard enough now. Well, I am already regretting mildly for not putting more effort in for the first three terms this year! What is past has past, so yes, I am learning to stop moping over split milk.

To be fair, I am quite proud of myself for majority of my subjects.

Take geography, this is my star example. I am SUPER SUPER proud of myself for geography I must say. I got top in class! 86%! For once I am able to bask in the light of approval, at the cusp of that all-conquering sense of greatness. For once I felt invincible. But to be fair, I worked my ass off for geography. I memorised my content so religiously it was second nature. The tears and the sweat I shed for that grade, that A1, that pride. It is mine to take and to keep. And I am glad I have that grade to reassure myself of the hard work I put in and to justify my efforts. Of course I am very thankful for chua poh leng too; it was really her who inspired me to work hard, taught me to be responsible, to always try my best, to surpass expectations, to be the best I can be – it was her who had faith in me. Well, I hope she is proud of me. Somehow, it felt the world to me being told she is very pleased and impressed with me and to know I finally did achieve what she expected from me from the very start. It is really so rarely I get that anyway, sadly.

Another worthy to bring up will be physics I feel. Not that my grade was one which is extremely outstanding, but I am truly very very thankful to have passed by a fair margin. Physics has never been an easy subject for me, and in fact it has all the while been quite a burden. I am glad I did not give up on it entirely. At least all the extra practices and all the extra lessons and remedials paid off. At the end of the day, I feel eternally grateful to mrs yeo. She put in so much time and effort to groom us to shine; I know, it is not easy to produce a diamond out of coal overnight. But she is undeniably a very very dedicated teacher, and I am so gratified towards her. I hope I did not let her down or disappointed her too much. Next year will be an even tougher fight for physics!

And of course there is both my Maths subjects. I am really happy to have achieved both As! I was a little upset to have missed A1 by a mere 2 marks for amaths due to carelessness, but once again, what is past is past – TOO LATE. Nonetheless, I am also very thankful to mistel tee who was so patient and so tolerant, always giving remedials and helping me so willingly. It is comforting and encouraging to have such dedicated teachers. And also there is ms tan from novel, who helped me a lot too!

For emaths, I AM SUPER PLEASE WITH MY A1!!!! Actually, I do not know how I did it! I know a big part of it was definitely from the help I received from Mrs Alice Long a day before paper 1. She is amazing, absolutely amazing! She taught really fast but effective eradicated all my queries and straightened all my doubts. Indeed that helped greatly to instil confidence in me one day before the paper. What more, everything she taught me that day helped loads during the paper, there were so many questions which I knew how to do having just learnt it one day before through the tutorial with her! It is so rare to encounter a teacher whom you can work so well with upon first meeting; it is definitely something not too common for myself. Additionally, I cannot discount the help I received from ms tan too. She guided me quite a fair bit too, and placed her faith in me. To me, somehow I feel it is always nice to know someone believes in you, believes that you have the makes to do it, to achieve what is laid for you.

One thing that did not make me happy at all – Literature. I was extremely upset about lit. Actually right after the paper I knew I was doomed already. It was not that I had not prepared for it, I did! I forced myself to cram quotes and I reviewed all the lecture notes and reread the book. But when the paper came, it just did not work out. What a disappointment. I guess all there is to do now will be just having to work doubly hard to save this subject. If I am not going to do the work, I don't know who will do it for me.

Now that this wave of papers are over and done with forever, I do not know to heave a sigh of relief or not. It is the end, but not the end. This is merely the beginning. If this was hell, next year will be the pits of it. I do not know if I am prepared or if I am up for it even. But when the time comes, I will just have to be. I have one shot, it has to be a bulls-eye.

When you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breath, then you will be successful.

"不要对一个人太好，因为你终于有一天会发现，对一个人好，时间久了，那个人是会习惯的，然后把这一切看作是理所应当，其实本来是可以蠢到不计代价不顾回报的，但现实总是让人寒了心。其实你明明知道，最卑贱不过感情，最凉不过是人心。" - 刘俊葳 Jeffrey Low

There is so much truth in this; be nice, and often people will just take you for granted. I often try to be nice to people. I perfectly understand the benefits of doing so, and I really do try my best to treat everyone equally, with respect and humanity and kindness. I try not to be judging and stereotypically, though it is (in a way) inevitable at times. Of course, there are a pretty large handful of people that I meet whom I really connect seem to click with at all. So it is incredulously difficult to be nice.

Then again, there are that other handful of people whom I do like, whom I appreciate. And naturally, I will want to be nice to them. This is where the above mentioned issue comes in. When you are too nice to someone, or perhaps it might not be evident, they begin to take the amicability of your relationship too lightly. They start to believe it comes cheap, it comes easy. They neglect the heart and effort the other party is contributing to make things work well. By this, I am referring to all sorts of relationships, far beyond mere romantic relations, but family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. People. Relationships between people.

Maybe there really is a line between selfless giving and obligatory giving. I have never ponder of this extensively before, for I believe in giving and offering support without intention of receiving anything in return, whenever and to whoever. Of course I am not that generous and open-hearted to be able to do so to every single person there is, that I know. But to those that I do, I have probably never harboured the desire to obtain any benefit from being nice and good to most people. At least not consciously and intentionally; discounting that nasty streak which may interfere occasionally.

For example, I enjoy watching and supporting people's show, buying and appreciating people's work, raving about people's performance, getting other people to support the works of these artistes. I do not get anything in return, I do not want anything in return. It just makes me happy. It makes me happy to be nice. I mean, everyone likes to be appreciated. But if my appreciation is being appreciated, that is another story.

You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.

----

I personally strongly believe, it takes two hands to clap, it takes two. To me, a relation is a connection; something take joins and links two different parties. One cannot form a connexion on his own. And for these intangible, impalpable bonds to remain strong and unfaltering in the face of adversity, both involved must be committed and they both have to work at it. It is not easy.

I never understood the intricacies of inter-personal relations. I have reiterated this known fact countless of times. But truly, I do not understand why people will want to develop more complex and conglomerate relationships on top of the contrastingly simple and ever-present ones we all encounter on a daily basis, in our lives. Convoluted ties are wholly incomprehensible to me. Why can't people survive on their own? Why is it necessary for one to have another around, to accompany them for the "last leg of their lives"? Why is dependency sometimes viewed as more preferable then independency?

I do not see anything wrong with being alone. I do not see any problem in living alone. I do not see any issue in self-reliance. There is nothing wrong with embracing interdependence, but why can't some people even spend that tiny amount of time alone? Why is the concept of "feeling lonely" so loosely thrown around nowadays? When is one truly lonely?

But is it possible, when one feels "lonely", it is a lousy excuse for them to exhibit on of the deadly sins of being greedy. The want to rob another of their time, of their presence, just to have someone else around them. That hunger to steal company, that want to feel enveloped in people-presence, that need to bask in attention – to feel loved. Is it not greed? To want someone else's company so intensely when you can be self-sufficient, is that not rapacity? To devour someone else's precious time, just because you need them around, is that not edacity? You eat and consume someone else's energy and attention, just to soothe your own demand, to ease your sense of "loneliness". To seek solace in someone else, just to escape from your own personal torment. Is that not taking advantage of that other someone? What do they get out of it? To lessen their own 'loneliness' at most, if it is not nothing.

I am not cold. I just do not see the need to crave so much for company. One will not perish just because of solitude. Maybe some people simply require more attention than others. I do not know. I possess not the maturity to simplify and understand. But I am contemptuous towards over-reliance and excessive NEED for company – it is disgusting, weak and unnecessary more often than not. Just no. Then again, who am I to speak? Loneliness is something too obscure to me.

Perhaps loneliness is not the passing cloud it is scarcely fathomed to be, but instead, something that is omnipresent and always around, and it is merely the few moments bypassing this cloud that appears significant.

And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head

I feel numb. Is that the right word to use?

I really really really wanted to write a post on Thursday. I vaguely remember what I wanted to post about: this metaphor of interpersonal relations I came up with – likening it to paper and origami. I don't know if I should still go ahead and write and post it; it definitely would have came through a lot better if I had just done it on Thursday itself when my emotions were more intense. Something did happen that incited lots of feeling and thought in me. I wanted to write about someone I met. Someone I felt I only just got to know. Someone I did not treasure. I wish I had done something to fix things when time was ample. Shall not delve once again into that now, it is not the same anymore.

Thinking back, maybe I could have done more things right. It's hard to believe we are nearing the end of 2011. It's true that time flies, but honestly, I do feel this is one of those 'slower' years already. But there are really some things I wished had gone down better. Then again, there were many others which were not exactly great, but memorable.

There's some things that I regret, some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some better endings
Been some bad times I've been through, damage I could not undo
Some things I wish I could do all over again
But it don't really matter, when life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

-------

Had my first 2 big eoys papers on Friday, after the English essay one the Friday before. Social Studies and Chemistry. I hope I do ok. I really did try quite hard in both subjects, I hope it is fair to say I put in enough effort. I don't know how to judge so. But I tried. Don't feel like going too much into that either – the social studies paper was just.... stressful. On a lighter note, my Kristin Chenoweth SOME LESSONS LEARNED cd finally came! That made life a little brighter....

Something has changed within me, something is not the same.

In the midst of the fast-paced operation and movement of every passing day, somewhere in the whole whirl-wind of events, something happened. In fact, many things occur, many of which have elicited change inside of me. I trust people evolve every day. I believe people are inconsistent, and that the smallest of matters can bring about grave adjustment to a person. With regards to myself, over the past few months, many things have indeed occurred, shaping and reforming me again and again. I have attempted to search within myself in a bid to discover what these things are. It repeatedly bugs me how futile my efforts have been, trying but to no avail. But undeniably transformation has ensued and is underway. Metamorphosis.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

For as long as I can discern, I have been thoroughly encased in the web of unfamiliarity. In a paradigm. In a dimension. Whose grounds that have been so well-trodden, by countless other individuals; but somehow, they never seemed like home-grounds to me, even though I have been aimlessly traversing them for almost fifteen years. Perhaps a decade and a half is not as long as it feels at all. Perhaps no amount of time will ever allow me to adapt to these grounds. But this is life, is it not? And who can escape life? I have always wondered time and time again about the nuances of life and the innumerable paths if offers. More so, trying to identify which path I am decreed to take. At least for now I am certain of the direction I am to head in, in fact it is very clear. But what proceeds after is wholly irresolute. Regardless so, I am perfectly aware that whatever it is, I have to keep moving. Only now, I will be the one in charge of my own life.

Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.

I may not be able to determine the future, but I have the power to determine how I create it. I feel as though I have been awaken, struck by an epiphany. In my mind's eye, I vaguely see what I want, where I want to be. Though I might have dreams and wishes and aspirations, the passion in my soul is often suppressed by the practicality of my nature. There are so many unreachable things I desire, but I know what is required of me and what I ought to have and ought to do. It is not a bad thing I guess, to be able to differentiate "I wish" from "I must", and "I could" from "I should". Now, I understand. And there is no allowance for doubt.

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...

Now, I understand. I understand the way the lines of fantasy and reality intertwine. And somehow, I am now empowered with the strength to conquer. What will I conquer? What do I want to conquer? There are so many things I want to conquer, and yet I have never done majority. But now, I want to do it. I can feel it in me, the hankering to achieve. This is no time to falter, or to crumble under the preponderance of doubt over will. I can feel the inception of a whole new journey within me; the rudimentary knowledge of this entirely new game slowly settles in me. And I am ready to play.

And leap.  

I am ready to win. I am stronger than ever. This is not the end, but the mere beginning. All my life I have been awaiting the occurrence of something, anything. But now, I finally see it – nothing will ever happen as a result of this waiting; it is up to me to make something work. If it can be anytime, it is now. If it is anyone, it will be me.

I'm through with accepting limits, 'cause someone says they're so.

When I was younger, I used to genuinely believe everyone was destined for greatness. Everyone including myself. As the years tripped by over rocks and gravel, obstacles and vicissitudes gnawed on me and I lost faith in success, in achieving success. Failure triumphed and the humongous urge to relinquish threatened to prevail. Failure after failure after failure. I had forgotten the essence of success; the sweet, succulent taste of success. Of winning and being the best. I no longer knew how to succeed, much less how to be the ultimate best. Even more so, have I forgotten my personal best and my ability to soar.

Some things I cannot change, but til I try I'll never know.

Regret has never been an emotion foreign to me. There are many things I feel remorseful towards, that I feel remorseful over. There are numerous occasions I wish I could rewrite and heaps of bygones I wish I could alter. But as it has always been repeated, what has past has passed. Just like how I should have worked harder at the start of the year, how I should have been nicer to many people, how I should have had more foresight. Perhaps it is truly a virtue to be able to live in the moment, or to harbour great foresight. Constantly looking over your shoulder and fretting over the vestiges of the past is not going to get anyone anywhere. What more, there will always be too many "should haves" and too many "what ifs".

Too long I've been afraid of, losing love I guess I've lost.

As a young girl growing up, I used to love attention as much as I loved to win. Basking under the approving gaze of everyone allowed me a sense of pride and accomplishment. It made me feel appreciated and it made me feel like I actually mattered. It motivated me to strive high and propelled me to success. I was a winner, a winner who was soon forgotten. I tell myself, applause fades, trophies gather dust and winners are soon forgotten. For so long I have indoctrinated myself to believe so. No, it is not the case, it is denial I have been living in. I was never a winner who was forgotten, but a player who lost. I gave up the game, in fear I backed out. 

I enjoyed having many people around me. Sashay around with a trusty entourage in tow and hanging around with a bunch to chatter inanely with was a thrill. It was the days of the more the merrier. Gradually with time, maturity swept away the inclination for the abundance of broad friendships. The notion of acceptance slowly faded into insignificance. Instead, I begun to embrace the betterment of independence and individuality. Afterall, succumbing to status quo or social expectations has always been way too bothersome.

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

Someone once told me: 'Be alone, be by yourself. Do what you can and do what you will. On your own you will survive and you will thrive.' So I tell myself that all the time, like a twisted mantra. Why depend on someone else when I can be on my own? Of course I understand the terms of social interdependence and the importance and convenience of an intermingling community, but sometimes the thought of riding solo seems to appeal more outstandingly to me. And just a thought, it is conclusively much easier and much less risky to love oneself than another, isn't it?

Where do I begin?

First of, I am finally free! Free but not free. It is almost as one bolt unlocks itself, another tightens. I know I will never truly be free. Trapped in a cage in a cage in a cage. Free from one but still confined in another. Whatever it is, I am slightly comforted I lived through the past 2 months or so. It has definitely been a very stressful period of time, physically, mentally and emotionally very strenuous and taxing. True enough, I do feel to some extent I am a stronger person, and more ready to face the intensity of next year, as compared to how I was months ago.

Then comes the next question. Did all the hard work pay off? In a way yes, I mean there is no doubt tremendous improvement in all my grades, although I still have a couple of C grades. But this round of assessments has indeed proven to me that, those who work reap the results they deserve. No pain no gain, they say. And yes, those who fight the hardest, slog their guts out, will truly get what they deserve in the end. The good triumph and the bad fall. Survival of the fittest once again. It is intense, it is so real. Personally, I believe that every grade and every result I received in this exam has been my very own deserving – be it good or bad, only I am unanswerably for it.

I guess I am beginning to learn to be responsible for my own academic performance and track record. It is true that at the end of the day, I am studying for myself, not for my parents or teachers or the school. Of course I would not want to grow up and harbour deep regrets for not trying hard enough now. Well, I am already regretting mildly for not putting more effort in for the first three terms this year! What is past has past, so yes, I am learning to stop moping over split milk.

To be fair, I am quite proud of myself for majority of my subjects.

Take geography, this is my star example. I am SUPER SUPER proud of myself for geography I must say. I got top in class! 86%! For once I am able to bask in the light of approval, at the cusp of that all-conquering sense of greatness. For once I felt invincible. But to be fair, I worked my ass off for geography. I memorised my content so religiously it was second nature. The tears and the sweat I shed for that grade, that A1, that pride. It is mine to take and to keep. And I am glad I have that grade to reassure myself of the hard work I put in and to justify my efforts. Of course I am very thankful for chua poh leng too; it was really her who inspired me to work hard, taught me to be responsible, to always try my best, to surpass expectations, to be the best I can be – it was her who had faith in me. Well, I hope she is proud of me. Somehow, it felt the world to me being told she is very pleased and impressed with me and to know I finally did achieve what she expected from me from the very start. It is really so rarely I get that anyway, sadly.

Another worthy to bring up will be physics I feel. Not that my grade was one which is extremely outstanding, but I am truly very very thankful to have passed by a fair margin. Physics has never been an easy subject for me, and in fact it has all the while been quite a burden. I am glad I did not give up on it entirely. At least all the extra practices and all the extra lessons and remedials paid off. At the end of the day, I feel eternally grateful to mrs yeo. She put in so much time and effort to groom us to shine; I know, it is not easy to produce a diamond out of coal overnight. But she is undeniably a very very dedicated teacher, and I am so gratified towards her. I hope I did not let her down or disappointed her too much. Next year will be an even tougher fight for physics!

And of course there is both my Maths subjects. I am really happy to have achieved both As! I was a little upset to have missed A1 by a mere 2 marks for amaths due to carelessness, but once again, what is past is past – TOO LATE. Nonetheless, I am also very thankful to mistel tee who was so patient and so tolerant, always giving remedials and helping me so willingly. It is comforting and encouraging to have such dedicated teachers. And also there is ms tan from novel, who helped me a lot too!

For emaths, I AM SUPER PLEASE WITH MY A1!!!! Actually, I do not know how I did it! I know a big part of it was definitely from the help I received from Mrs Alice Long a day before paper 1. She is amazing, absolutely amazing! She taught really fast but effective eradicated all my queries and straightened all my doubts. Indeed that helped greatly to instil confidence in me one day before the paper. What more, everything she taught me that day helped loads during the paper, there were so many questions which I knew how to do having just learnt it one day before through the tutorial with her! It is so rare to encounter a teacher whom you can work so well with upon first meeting; it is definitely something not too common for myself. Additionally, I cannot discount the help I received from ms tan too. She guided me quite a fair bit too, and placed her faith in me. To me, somehow I feel it is always nice to know someone believes in you, believes that you have the makes to do it, to achieve what is laid for you.

One thing that did not make me happy at all – Literature. I was extremely upset about lit. Actually right after the paper I knew I was doomed already. It was not that I had not prepared for it, I did! I forced myself to cram quotes and I reviewed all the lecture notes and reread the book. But when the paper came, it just did not work out. What a disappointment. I guess all there is to do now will be just having to work doubly hard to save this subject. If I am not going to do the work, I don't know who will do it for me.

Now that this wave of papers are over and done with forever, I do not know to heave a sigh of relief or not. It is the end, but not the end. This is merely the beginning. If this was hell, next year will be the pits of it. I do not know if I am prepared or if I am up for it even. But when the time comes, I will just have to be. I have one shot, it has to be a bulls-eye.

When you want to succeed, as bad as you want to breath, then you will be successful.

"不要对一个人太好，因为你终于有一天会发现，对一个人好，时间久了，那个人是会习惯的，然后把这一切看作是理所应当，其实本来是可以蠢到不计代价不顾回报的，但现实总是让人寒了心。其实你明明知道，最卑贱不过感情，最凉不过是人心。" - 刘俊葳 Jeffrey Low

There is so much truth in this; be nice, and often people will just take you for granted. I often try to be nice to people. I perfectly understand the benefits of doing so, and I really do try my best to treat everyone equally, with respect and humanity and kindness. I try not to be judging and stereotypically, though it is (in a way) inevitable at times. Of course, there are a pretty large handful of people that I meet whom I really connect seem to click with at all. So it is incredulously difficult to be nice.

Then again, there are that other handful of people whom I do like, whom I appreciate. And naturally, I will want to be nice to them. This is where the above mentioned issue comes in. When you are too nice to someone, or perhaps it might not be evident, they begin to take the amicability of your relationship too lightly. They start to believe it comes cheap, it comes easy. They neglect the heart and effort the other party is contributing to make things work well. By this, I am referring to all sorts of relationships, far beyond mere romantic relations, but family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. People. Relationships between people.

Maybe there really is a line between selfless giving and obligatory giving. I have never ponder of this extensively before, for I believe in giving and offering support without intention of receiving anything in return, whenever and to whoever. Of course I am not that generous and open-hearted to be able to do so to every single person there is, that I know. But to those that I do, I have probably never harboured the desire to obtain any benefit from being nice and good to most people. At least not consciously and intentionally; discounting that nasty streak which may interfere occasionally.

For example, I enjoy watching and supporting people's show, buying and appreciating people's work, raving about people's performance, getting other people to support the works of these artistes. I do not get anything in return, I do not want anything in return. It just makes me happy. It makes me happy to be nice. I mean, everyone likes to be appreciated. But if my appreciation is being appreciated, that is another story.

You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.

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I personally strongly believe, it takes two hands to clap, it takes two. To me, a relation is a connection; something take joins and links two different parties. One cannot form a connexion on his own. And for these intangible, impalpable bonds to remain strong and unfaltering in the face of adversity, both involved must be committed and they both have to work at it. It is not easy.

I never understood the intricacies of inter-personal relations. I have reiterated this known fact countless of times. But truly, I do not understand why people will want to develop more complex and conglomerate relationships on top of the contrastingly simple and ever-present ones we all encounter on a daily basis, in our lives. Convoluted ties are wholly incomprehensible to me. Why can't people survive on their own? Why is it necessary for one to have another around, to accompany them for the "last leg of their lives"? Why is dependency sometimes viewed as more preferable then independency?

I do not see anything wrong with being alone. I do not see any problem in living alone. I do not see any issue in self-reliance. There is nothing wrong with embracing interdependence, but why can't some people even spend that tiny amount of time alone? Why is the concept of "feeling lonely" so loosely thrown around nowadays? When is one truly lonely?

But is it possible, when one feels "lonely", it is a lousy excuse for them to exhibit on of the deadly sins of being greedy. The want to rob another of their time, of their presence, just to have someone else around them. That hunger to steal company, that want to feel enveloped in people-presence, that need to bask in attention – to feel loved. Is it not greed? To want someone else's company so intensely when you can be self-sufficient, is that not rapacity? To devour someone else's precious time, just because you need them around, is that not edacity? You eat and consume someone else's energy and attention, just to soothe your own demand, to ease your sense of "loneliness". To seek solace in someone else, just to escape from your own personal torment. Is that not taking advantage of that other someone? What do they get out of it? To lessen their own 'loneliness' at most, if it is not nothing.

I am not cold. I just do not see the need to crave so much for company. One will not perish just because of solitude. Maybe some people simply require more attention than others. I do not know. I possess not the maturity to simplify and understand. But I am contemptuous towards over-reliance and excessive NEED for company – it is disgusting, weak and unnecessary more often than not. Just no. Then again, who am I to speak? Loneliness is something too obscure to me.

Perhaps loneliness is not the passing cloud it is scarcely fathomed to be, but instead, something that is omnipresent and always around, and it is merely the few moments bypassing this cloud that appears significant.

And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near, now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed, and I can live inside my head

I feel numb. Is that the right word to use?

I really really really wanted to write a post on Thursday. I vaguely remember what I wanted to post about: this metaphor of interpersonal relations I came up with – likening it to paper and origami. I don't know if I should still go ahead and write and post it; it definitely would have came through a lot better if I had just done it on Thursday itself when my emotions were more intense. Something did happen that incited lots of feeling and thought in me. I wanted to write about someone I met. Someone I felt I only just got to know. Someone I did not treasure. I wish I had done something to fix things when time was ample. Shall not delve once again into that now, it is not the same anymore.

Thinking back, maybe I could have done more things right. It's hard to believe we are nearing the end of 2011. It's true that time flies, but honestly, I do feel this is one of those 'slower' years already. But there are really some things I wished had gone down better. Then again, there were many others which were not exactly great, but memorable.

There's some things that I regret, some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some better endings
Been some bad times I've been through, damage I could not undo
Some things I wish I could do all over again
But it don't really matter, when life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

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Had my first 2 big eoys papers on Friday, after the English essay one the Friday before. Social Studies and Chemistry. I hope I do ok. I really did try quite hard in both subjects, I hope it is fair to say I put in enough effort. I don't know how to judge so. But I tried. Don't feel like going too much into that either – the social studies paper was just.... stressful. On a lighter note, my Kristin Chenoweth SOME LESSONS LEARNED cd finally came! That made life a little brighter....