So I had a unicorn moment (/sudden epiphany) today.

I was thinking over my University decisions again, and I realized I am seriously very anxious and afraid of what lies ahead. It is just this worry that simply lingers in the recesses of my mind, and regardless what I do, it is there and it really bugs me to no end. For a long time, the biggest dilemma has been the fundamental ‘to go or not to go?’ question; and because of that, I was never fully committed to the application process as it seemed more of a ‘lets just give it a shot’ sort of approach. With that said, my efforts have been a little lacklustre and the earlier essays I’ve written were admittedly not as good as I hoped they would be (my Berkeley essays reallyyyy tanked).

But beyond that, I discovered I am honestly fucking sick of being scared already. It finally occurred to me that the best reason for why I *should* go is because I am scared. There is no way I’m going to stop being fearful of the huge pool of uncertainty that lies ahead unless I confront it head on. And then I realised, how can I possibly stop being afraid whilst staying in a place that teaches you remaining scared is the way to live? That it is the correct way to live.

As much as I love Singapore, everything about the culture here spells Fear. In a simple decision of going abroad to study alone, the list of fears that have stood in my way is already so god-damned long – the fear of not being able to afford; the fear of not being able to live up to a debt, the fear of not achieving what you set out to do… like what the fuck, I am so tired of being held down and held back by things that are perhaps completely out of my control. I am so done with looking so far in the future that I’ve lost sight of now.

Months ago I received this picture-quote on Facebook that said “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” and my answer was “Stop Hesitating”. Ironically, older-Me has not stopped hesitating at all; in fact, I think I am hesitating more than ever now. The time has come where I have to make the intentional choice to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go out and do all the things that I have been afraid to do, to see and to experience.

I know part of the fears that come in tow of this decision is the environment I’d be subjected to. Maybe I’d go wild; maybe I’d come back with a tattoo, or six; maybe I’d come back a lesbian, and a smoker, and I would have hit the drugs. But maybe that is the only way I will find out who I really am and what I am meant to do. I may not like who I truly am, but at least I will know. What will I be if I remain in Singapore? What will I be if I go?

When I was thinking through all this on the bus this afternoon, ‘No Day But Today’ from RENT came up on shuffle. There's only this / Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss. It was like the heavens had sent me a sign. And that was when I thought of all the ‘signs’ I received through the year. From indirectly witnessing Oon Shu An’s acceptance of her little unicorn moments and fears and going on to produce an amazingly inspiring show, to meeting people like Theresa Wee-Yenko and Amanda Lee who have bravely quit their stable day jobs to take the road less trodden, and even receiving the most superstitious of indications…

(Okay, this is one anecdote that deserves a place in this blog: about two months back, I was exploring the newly opened Kinokunia when I came across this “new-age” super spiritual/mystic-esque book entitled ‘The Book of Answers’. Basically you have to form a question in your head, think very hard on it, and then randomly flip the book open to reveal a page with a single-lined statement which ought to be the “answer” to your question. I can never quite tell if I believe in these things or not but that day I was like heck lets just give it a shot for fun. SO the question I went with was “Is fighting to go and study in the US the right decision?” and the answer I got was, “The chance will not come again soon”. Yup.)

I think at the end of the day my greatest fear (with regards to this issue) is not receiving support for my eventual decision. And I don’t mean support in terms of funding and whatnot, but the most basic acceptance of the fact that perhaps this is really something that I have to do. At the end of the day, I do not want to live with the regret of not even giving it a try. Okay, then again, my other greatest fear is that I am not good enough. Perhaps I am, perhaps not. Maybe I won’t even get a place in a school or the opportunity to study overseas. But no use thinking extensively about that at this point anyway – must channel some Sierra Boggess; “You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.” (Sierra is seriously another amazing human being that inspires me so so much - really hope to meet her someday!)

Long ramble short, I will give the remainder of the application process my very best shot. And what comes after shall entirely be left to chance. What will be will be.

(My Uni apps in 2 lines: “the less you have to sell, the harder you sell it! / the less you have to say, the louder you yell it!” Lesli Margherita/Tim Minchin will be proud! #QueenLesli #broadwayreferencewaddup)

---

“"Stop worrying where you're going — move on
.
If you can know where you're going, you've gone
.
Just keep moving on.”

A little bit of Sondheim to close off…. Side note: rewatched the Sondheim birthday concert the other day – love love LOVE it so much! :’) so fired up for Into The Woods the movie! Just saw an online counter: 2 days and 11 hours to the US release AHHHH

So. Mini existential crisis underway. Ever since IB ended, it is like post-Os all over again; purposeless, directionless days filled with no intent. I think it’s even worse this time around because I am not travelling much. And to add on to that, I am forced to struggle with my Uni apps – not fun.

As much as I enjoy writing, the essay questions for my applications have been nothing but burdensome. It’s not the fault of the questions, really; in fact, some of them are actually very interesting and engaging, offering lots of room for interpretation and creative sharing. However, I have been finding it extremely difficult to dig deep within myself and present a truthful reflection of who I am.

Who am I anyway? / Am I my résumé?
What does he want from me? / What should I try to be?

I think the biggest issue here is that I’ve gotten TOO comfortable with not knowing who I am. There was a phase perhaps somewhere in ‘12 or so where I was desperately trying to define myself, to truly figure out what makes me – ME. This obsession with self-reflection gradually vanished on its own; partly due to workload, partly due to preoccupation with other thoughts. In fact, I did not even realise I was no longer entertaining this internal debate much anymore until someone mentioned this to me awhile back.

She said, I find it admirable how you seem so confident all the time. Like you never seem insecure, or at least outwardly. How do you do it? It seems like you’ve finally found who you are.

Gurl, hell no! I guess it simply reached the point where I decided, enough is enough. Time to pick myself out of this rut, pack up the self-loathing and self-moping, and really take a step back – or step away – from indulging in any form of self deprecation. Along with that, I became more accepting of ambiguity and uncertainty; and it is possibly this sense of growing acknowledgement that not all questions need to be answered immediately which has freed me. That quote from Rainer Maria Rilke was my mantra I swear. Shall post it once more:

“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without noticing, live your way to the answer.”

This is one of my all-time favourite passages/quotes. It has also been my all-time go-to quote to comfort others in need for the past year at least! (So if you’ve received this from me at some point, it probably means you matter and I love you quite enough) While this outlook and way of life has proven eventful thus far, it is not helping in the face of uni applications. Not when some form of absolution and definition is demanded. It really is quite tough to attempt to tell someone else about yourself, when you yourself aren’t too sure who you yourself are to begin with. Yes, so this has been troubling me lately. Not to a large degree, not emotionally; but more so because I know the deadline is coming up fast and I need to get this down if I really want a shot at it all.

But to take a step back, I have also been reconsidering my decision of going overseas to study. Am a little conflicted towards how badly want it. Ironically, I feel the biggest plus of taking this chance is that it may allow me to discover different facets of myself. So ideally, I am trying to define who I am now so I can write about who I am so as to allow random admissions people to understand who I am which entitles me a chance to attend their institution in their country to then try to exploit that opportunity to discover what truly defines who I am. SO WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? Crisisssss.

Happy thought: I just remembered something I super wanted to write about! My brother and I watched the closing show of Mamma-Mia! (international tour) in the weekend and holy crap, it was SO GOOD! I seriously love ABBA’s music so much and I had so much fun at the show. Although the crowd was a little dead through the show, everyone livened up at the curtain call and pretty much the entire audience was on their feet! It was simply incredible. And they did 3 encore like song-performances at the very end and everyone was singing and dancing along. It was the best feeling ever. And to make things even better, my brother is hooked onto the ABBA soundtrack too! (Super Trouper is still my favourite track)

---

I was just listening to a lot of Sondheim tonight – so much feels. Many other things to think about…

“Make me alive, make me confused,
Mock me with praise, let me be used,
Vary my days…
But alone is alone,
not alive.”

Being Alive – absolutely adore this rendition. Gives me the chills and makes me tear!

You feel nothing. You feel too much.
You value integrity. You lie – about everything.
You are a good person. You ARE a good person?

I don’t know how to express this. I have lost the words – all of them. Nothing flows anymore; not like before. I tried to go back to that place again, but I couldn’t. The pain, the feelings, the memories, they were all gone. For the lack of a better way to say it, I don’t feel anything anymore. Just another loss to add to my collection…

Sometimes I wonder if it is all actually happening. Or, did I simply make everything up, in my head? It’s debateable, really. Does a single false detail in a complete truth make it a lie? What if a truth was intentionally falsified – does it lose all of its truthful quality? I guess I have settled with the notion that, if no one calls out on the lie, then it does not make it any less true. Smoke and mirrors.

Nice people annoy me. Like the really REALLY – R E A L L Y – nice ones. The ones that deal in sunshine and rainbows and are secretly mystical unicorns and pretty much enjoys every other godforsaken person on this planet. How are you even real!?!?They scare me. (Okay, there is only ONE person I can think of that fits into this category entirely whom I still absolutely adore.) But seriously, UGH.

Oh look, it’s irrational hour!

Guilty pleasure interlude: The ‘Shattered Sight’ episode of Once Upon A Time finally came out yesterday. I watched it twice in a row - what a beautiful ending to the Snow Queen arc! Sigh, season/mid-season finales always kill me. But this season has been so perfect, except NOT ENOUGH LANA PARRILLA! This has to be my utter FAVOURITE show in the whole wide world, counting it in a completely different category from my political dramas (and SMASH) (and Desperate Housewives) (and FRIENDS!). Admittedly, my taste in television kinda sucks. An excusable issue considering that day Humairah and I very coincidentally discovered that we both watch Devious Maids – I suspect we are literally the only two persons in Singapore that watch that show. AND to laugh controllably and extremely loudly over “mister spence” in the middle of a very crowded Taka (I’m actually laughing at this all over again and no one else understands why this is so funny) (just like our insanely in-depth analysis of Desperate Housewives and the completely absurd quotes by Gabby and then deviating to talk about Gossip Girl and how it sucked after ##season/episode and busting out all the spoilers: IT IS DAN!) (and also the “je ne coup plou” “je ne flee floo” joke and the ross-rachel dinosaurs AHA NOW I KNOW WHY I AM ONLY DESERVING OF ONE FRIEND)

And I simply have to include how EXCITED I am for Into The Woods the movie! I could go on and on and on about it but I think my brother has done an amazing job entertaining me; he is really good at his “wow yes Meryl Streep! Yes Bernadette…Yes 1991 cast with Joanna Gleason.. but STREEEEP!!!” and his “omg YA Emily Blunt! And Lilla! And James Corden” and hands down his best “Sondheim?! OMG SONDHEIM YES SONDHEIM IS A GOD OMG YES YES YES”. Hahahaha we’ve been ‘belting’ out Stay With Me for days! So yes, I am very very excited.

Wonderful. It is a little sad that the subject which I managed to write most on is that of trashy tv shows (and Into The Woods – happy thought!). Alright, enough psychotic rambling for one night (or one month! or three!). That did not help – I still don’t feel anything. Or I feel too much all at once.

---

“Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel. The price of love is Loss; but still we pay, we love anyway.” (I guess I’ve decided to stop paying)

So I had a unicorn moment (/sudden epiphany) today.

I was thinking over my University decisions again, and I realized I am seriously very anxious and afraid of what lies ahead. It is just this worry that simply lingers in the recesses of my mind, and regardless what I do, it is there and it really bugs me to no end. For a long time, the biggest dilemma has been the fundamental ‘to go or not to go?’ question; and because of that, I was never fully committed to the application process as it seemed more of a ‘lets just give it a shot’ sort of approach. With that said, my efforts have been a little lacklustre and the earlier essays I’ve written were admittedly not as good as I hoped they would be (my Berkeley essays reallyyyy tanked).

But beyond that, I discovered I am honestly fucking sick of being scared already. It finally occurred to me that the best reason for why I *should* go is because I am scared. There is no way I’m going to stop being fearful of the huge pool of uncertainty that lies ahead unless I confront it head on. And then I realised, how can I possibly stop being afraid whilst staying in a place that teaches you remaining scared is the way to live? That it is the correct way to live.

As much as I love Singapore, everything about the culture here spells Fear. In a simple decision of going abroad to study alone, the list of fears that have stood in my way is already so god-damned long – the fear of not being able to afford; the fear of not being able to live up to a debt, the fear of not achieving what you set out to do… like what the fuck, I am so tired of being held down and held back by things that are perhaps completely out of my control. I am so done with looking so far in the future that I’ve lost sight of now.

Months ago I received this picture-quote on Facebook that said “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” and my answer was “Stop Hesitating”. Ironically, older-Me has not stopped hesitating at all; in fact, I think I am hesitating more than ever now. The time has come where I have to make the intentional choice to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go out and do all the things that I have been afraid to do, to see and to experience.

I know part of the fears that come in tow of this decision is the environment I’d be subjected to. Maybe I’d go wild; maybe I’d come back with a tattoo, or six; maybe I’d come back a lesbian, and a smoker, and I would have hit the drugs. But maybe that is the only way I will find out who I really am and what I am meant to do. I may not like who I truly am, but at least I will know. What will I be if I remain in Singapore? What will I be if I go?

When I was thinking through all this on the bus this afternoon, ‘No Day But Today’ from RENT came up on shuffle. There's only this / Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss. It was like the heavens had sent me a sign. And that was when I thought of all the ‘signs’ I received through the year. From indirectly witnessing Oon Shu An’s acceptance of her little unicorn moments and fears and going on to produce an amazingly inspiring show, to meeting people like Theresa Wee-Yenko and Amanda Lee who have bravely quit their stable day jobs to take the road less trodden, and even receiving the most superstitious of indications…

(Okay, this is one anecdote that deserves a place in this blog: about two months back, I was exploring the newly opened Kinokunia when I came across this “new-age” super spiritual/mystic-esque book entitled ‘The Book of Answers’. Basically you have to form a question in your head, think very hard on it, and then randomly flip the book open to reveal a page with a single-lined statement which ought to be the “answer” to your question. I can never quite tell if I believe in these things or not but that day I was like heck lets just give it a shot for fun. SO the question I went with was “Is fighting to go and study in the US the right decision?” and the answer I got was, “The chance will not come again soon”. Yup.)

I think at the end of the day my greatest fear (with regards to this issue) is not receiving support for my eventual decision. And I don’t mean support in terms of funding and whatnot, but the most basic acceptance of the fact that perhaps this is really something that I have to do. At the end of the day, I do not want to live with the regret of not even giving it a try. Okay, then again, my other greatest fear is that I am not good enough. Perhaps I am, perhaps not. Maybe I won’t even get a place in a school or the opportunity to study overseas. But no use thinking extensively about that at this point anyway – must channel some Sierra Boggess; “You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.” (Sierra is seriously another amazing human being that inspires me so so much - really hope to meet her someday!)

Long ramble short, I will give the remainder of the application process my very best shot. And what comes after shall entirely be left to chance. What will be will be.

(My Uni apps in 2 lines: “the less you have to sell, the harder you sell it! / the less you have to say, the louder you yell it!” Lesli Margherita/Tim Minchin will be proud! #QueenLesli #broadwayreferencewaddup)

---

“"Stop worrying where you're going — move on
.
If you can know where you're going, you've gone
.
Just keep moving on.”

A little bit of Sondheim to close off…. Side note: rewatched the Sondheim birthday concert the other day – love love LOVE it so much! :’) so fired up for Into The Woods the movie! Just saw an online counter: 2 days and 11 hours to the US release AHHHH

So. Mini existential crisis underway. Ever since IB ended, it is like post-Os all over again; purposeless, directionless days filled with no intent. I think it’s even worse this time around because I am not travelling much. And to add on to that, I am forced to struggle with my Uni apps – not fun.

As much as I enjoy writing, the essay questions for my applications have been nothing but burdensome. It’s not the fault of the questions, really; in fact, some of them are actually very interesting and engaging, offering lots of room for interpretation and creative sharing. However, I have been finding it extremely difficult to dig deep within myself and present a truthful reflection of who I am.

Who am I anyway? / Am I my résumé?
What does he want from me? / What should I try to be?

I think the biggest issue here is that I’ve gotten TOO comfortable with not knowing who I am. There was a phase perhaps somewhere in ‘12 or so where I was desperately trying to define myself, to truly figure out what makes me – ME. This obsession with self-reflection gradually vanished on its own; partly due to workload, partly due to preoccupation with other thoughts. In fact, I did not even realise I was no longer entertaining this internal debate much anymore until someone mentioned this to me awhile back.

She said, I find it admirable how you seem so confident all the time. Like you never seem insecure, or at least outwardly. How do you do it? It seems like you’ve finally found who you are.

Gurl, hell no! I guess it simply reached the point where I decided, enough is enough. Time to pick myself out of this rut, pack up the self-loathing and self-moping, and really take a step back – or step away – from indulging in any form of self deprecation. Along with that, I became more accepting of ambiguity and uncertainty; and it is possibly this sense of growing acknowledgement that not all questions need to be answered immediately which has freed me. That quote from Rainer Maria Rilke was my mantra I swear. Shall post it once more:

“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without noticing, live your way to the answer.”

This is one of my all-time favourite passages/quotes. It has also been my all-time go-to quote to comfort others in need for the past year at least! (So if you’ve received this from me at some point, it probably means you matter and I love you quite enough) While this outlook and way of life has proven eventful thus far, it is not helping in the face of uni applications. Not when some form of absolution and definition is demanded. It really is quite tough to attempt to tell someone else about yourself, when you yourself aren’t too sure who you yourself are to begin with. Yes, so this has been troubling me lately. Not to a large degree, not emotionally; but more so because I know the deadline is coming up fast and I need to get this down if I really want a shot at it all.

But to take a step back, I have also been reconsidering my decision of going overseas to study. Am a little conflicted towards how badly want it. Ironically, I feel the biggest plus of taking this chance is that it may allow me to discover different facets of myself. So ideally, I am trying to define who I am now so I can write about who I am so as to allow random admissions people to understand who I am which entitles me a chance to attend their institution in their country to then try to exploit that opportunity to discover what truly defines who I am. SO WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? Crisisssss.

Happy thought: I just remembered something I super wanted to write about! My brother and I watched the closing show of Mamma-Mia! (international tour) in the weekend and holy crap, it was SO GOOD! I seriously love ABBA’s music so much and I had so much fun at the show. Although the crowd was a little dead through the show, everyone livened up at the curtain call and pretty much the entire audience was on their feet! It was simply incredible. And they did 3 encore like song-performances at the very end and everyone was singing and dancing along. It was the best feeling ever. And to make things even better, my brother is hooked onto the ABBA soundtrack too! (Super Trouper is still my favourite track)

---

I was just listening to a lot of Sondheim tonight – so much feels. Many other things to think about…

“Make me alive, make me confused,
Mock me with praise, let me be used,
Vary my days…
But alone is alone,
not alive.”

Being Alive – absolutely adore this rendition. Gives me the chills and makes me tear!

You feel nothing. You feel too much.
You value integrity. You lie – about everything.
You are a good person. You ARE a good person?

I don’t know how to express this. I have lost the words – all of them. Nothing flows anymore; not like before. I tried to go back to that place again, but I couldn’t. The pain, the feelings, the memories, they were all gone. For the lack of a better way to say it, I don’t feel anything anymore. Just another loss to add to my collection…

Sometimes I wonder if it is all actually happening. Or, did I simply make everything up, in my head? It’s debateable, really. Does a single false detail in a complete truth make it a lie? What if a truth was intentionally falsified – does it lose all of its truthful quality? I guess I have settled with the notion that, if no one calls out on the lie, then it does not make it any less true. Smoke and mirrors.

Nice people annoy me. Like the really REALLY – R E A L L Y – nice ones. The ones that deal in sunshine and rainbows and are secretly mystical unicorns and pretty much enjoys every other godforsaken person on this planet. How are you even real!?!?They scare me. (Okay, there is only ONE person I can think of that fits into this category entirely whom I still absolutely adore.) But seriously, UGH.

Oh look, it’s irrational hour!

Guilty pleasure interlude: The ‘Shattered Sight’ episode of Once Upon A Time finally came out yesterday. I watched it twice in a row - what a beautiful ending to the Snow Queen arc! Sigh, season/mid-season finales always kill me. But this season has been so perfect, except NOT ENOUGH LANA PARRILLA! This has to be my utter FAVOURITE show in the whole wide world, counting it in a completely different category from my political dramas (and SMASH) (and Desperate Housewives) (and FRIENDS!). Admittedly, my taste in television kinda sucks. An excusable issue considering that day Humairah and I very coincidentally discovered that we both watch Devious Maids – I suspect we are literally the only two persons in Singapore that watch that show. AND to laugh controllably and extremely loudly over “mister spence” in the middle of a very crowded Taka (I’m actually laughing at this all over again and no one else understands why this is so funny) (just like our insanely in-depth analysis of Desperate Housewives and the completely absurd quotes by Gabby and then deviating to talk about Gossip Girl and how it sucked after ##season/episode and busting out all the spoilers: IT IS DAN!) (and also the “je ne coup plou” “je ne flee floo” joke and the ross-rachel dinosaurs AHA NOW I KNOW WHY I AM ONLY DESERVING OF ONE FRIEND)

And I simply have to include how EXCITED I am for Into The Woods the movie! I could go on and on and on about it but I think my brother has done an amazing job entertaining me; he is really good at his “wow yes Meryl Streep! Yes Bernadette…Yes 1991 cast with Joanna Gleason.. but STREEEEP!!!” and his “omg YA Emily Blunt! And Lilla! And James Corden” and hands down his best “Sondheim?! OMG SONDHEIM YES SONDHEIM IS A GOD OMG YES YES YES”. Hahahaha we’ve been ‘belting’ out Stay With Me for days! So yes, I am very very excited.

Wonderful. It is a little sad that the subject which I managed to write most on is that of trashy tv shows (and Into The Woods – happy thought!). Alright, enough psychotic rambling for one night (or one month! or three!). That did not help – I still don’t feel anything. Or I feel too much all at once.

---

“Give me pain if that’s what’s real, it’s the price we pay to feel. The price of love is Loss; but still we pay, we love anyway.” (I guess I’ve decided to stop paying)