6:28PM

It's days like this where I get that detestable feeling of, hey maybe theatre isn't the thing for me. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. If it ever was. Every once in a while, I get that bugging feeling like I don't belong there. Perhaps I'm better of studying harder, getting a place in a good JC, moving on the graduate and entering uni, and lastly ending it all in a brilliant finale by scoring a professional (but mundane) job – avec stable income, possibly sans joy and fun and the magic theatre offers to bring. But I know, that isn't a finale. None of the endings of these stupid trials are ever finales, or closures – PSLE, O levels, A levels, completion of thesis, getting a degree, getting a job. Alongside you have, entering a club for a first, getting your driver's license, finding a partner, moving to your own house, having a family... the list goes on. There is never a finale; just the prologue to a whole new chapter. Merely a new chapter in the book of life, for which you cannot escape from. It continues on and and on and on and on and on... never-ending.

I do not know what I want. But perhaps – just perhaps – theatre really isn't my true calling. It just doesn't feel right. Today. Now. Honestly how long does the flames of passion burn? How long can they burn for? Will they always remain as intense, as promising. Granting warmth, granting power, granting life. The ability to achieve and conquer any task set. Someone enlighten me please.

------------------------

7:02PM

It's days like this where I no longer feel like living. The image of death lingers faintly at the back of my head. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of pain though. Yet simultaneously, a cruel reminder screams to me that I'll never have the guts to commit any act of that sort, of taking my last breath by choice. To put it out, I have never thought of taking my life ever, maybe because I know all the while that I have never dared to. Never had, probably never will. Yes the truth is I don't.

I wish I could just close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep. A long long sleep in which I am running free, on green meadows dotted carelessly with tiny yellow flowers, their faces glowing radiantly in the rays of sunlight that I run through. The warmth of the Sun embraces me, and I feel safe and comforted. I sit in the middle of the grass patch, in the middle of nowhere. I look around and there are no borders, the meadow is boundless; there is no one in sight. I am alone, gladly alone. I lay down on the soft grass and gaze at the clouds. The blades of grass tickle my ears and arms playfully. But I dont feel annoyed, I feel at peace. I will watch as the fluffy white bundles float effortlessly through the sky, and allow my confined imagination to conjure up the most creative image it can of the clouds. The surroundings are quiet; there are no birds, there are no butterflies, nothing. And when I am well rested, I will stand up and I will continue walking in whichever direction my heart contents. Walking and walking and walking, with no aim or intention or care in mind. Just walking.

----------------------------

7:46PM

I know they are judging me. People love to judge, don't they? They can't help it, I understand. It is natural instinct of them, for them; an innate and irrepressible desire to judge. To develop an impression of someone else within the span of fleeting seconds of their first meeting. I used to think the most ideal way to deal and respond to this was by judging them back – i mean, tit for tat right? Usually in the situation where you know you are being mercilessly judged by another, you are hapless, there is nothing you can do. To defend yourself or to alter that incorrect and undesirable impression they have already formed of you. You have no control at all. But I soon realise, judging them back did not work, unease still plagues me. Especially when the numbers did not show to my advantage; people equals power, the more people you have on your side, the more ground you stand. Then it dawned upon me, the only way to avoid being judged, is the join them. Join them, be on their side; and judge others, WITH them.

It is similar to the situation shown in Hunger Games, a book i'm currently reading. In the story, kids in this live event are made to kill of each other, the last person who remains alive, wins. Survival of the fittest. And so, if you can't kill them, join them. Form an alliance. It is the best way to keep yourself alive for the longest period of time. Of course the point will come when someone has to backstab one of their allies. I mean, its vital. For survival. Survival is everything. Trust is nothing. Trust, is merely nonsense thrown out by humans, at other humans and into the nothingness of space.

I was never them. I was never with them. They disgust me, but yet I want to be them, with them. The complication of interpersonal relations disgust me. And befuddles me too. I want to be there, with them, but I can't.

----

And someone is there. Though their being is there, their mind wanders elsewhere, they are caught up with living some other life of their own. In that moment, the someone thinks, what the fuck i don't give a damn fuck off you.

The someone tries to play along. Look nice. Look approachable. Smile. Smile! As though waiting for the moment to resolve the awkwardness it created itself. A slight tint of nonchalance is reflected subtly in their gaze.

Someone else there, stops. And that someone falls.

And you did not even bother. You do not even bother. In that moment... that moment did not mean anything. Nothing at all.

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

I'm not that girl

Today I decided I will (try my best to) not use the F-word anymore.
Today I reconsidered what I truly want in life.
Today I re-embraced the fact that I don't ever want to grow up.
Today I experienced the sense that I don't belong.
Today I lost a moment.
Today I felt lousy.
Today I realised I am tired.

Perhaps, all along, I have been chasing after something that was never on my hunting ground to begin with... longing to own something that was never in stock on the shelf... yearning for something what was never in my league, never anywhere near being Mine.

6:28PM

It's days like this where I get that detestable feeling of, hey maybe theatre isn't the thing for me. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right. If it ever was. Every once in a while, I get that bugging feeling like I don't belong there. Perhaps I'm better of studying harder, getting a place in a good JC, moving on the graduate and entering uni, and lastly ending it all in a brilliant finale by scoring a professional (but mundane) job – avec stable income, possibly sans joy and fun and the magic theatre offers to bring. But I know, that isn't a finale. None of the endings of these stupid trials are ever finales, or closures – PSLE, O levels, A levels, completion of thesis, getting a degree, getting a job. Alongside you have, entering a club for a first, getting your driver's license, finding a partner, moving to your own house, having a family... the list goes on. There is never a finale; just the prologue to a whole new chapter. Merely a new chapter in the book of life, for which you cannot escape from. It continues on and and on and on and on and on... never-ending.

I do not know what I want. But perhaps – just perhaps – theatre really isn't my true calling. It just doesn't feel right. Today. Now. Honestly how long does the flames of passion burn? How long can they burn for? Will they always remain as intense, as promising. Granting warmth, granting power, granting life. The ability to achieve and conquer any task set. Someone enlighten me please.

------------------------

7:02PM

It's days like this where I no longer feel like living. The image of death lingers faintly at the back of my head. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of pain though. Yet simultaneously, a cruel reminder screams to me that I'll never have the guts to commit any act of that sort, of taking my last breath by choice. To put it out, I have never thought of taking my life ever, maybe because I know all the while that I have never dared to. Never had, probably never will. Yes the truth is I don't.

I wish I could just close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep. A long long sleep in which I am running free, on green meadows dotted carelessly with tiny yellow flowers, their faces glowing radiantly in the rays of sunlight that I run through. The warmth of the Sun embraces me, and I feel safe and comforted. I sit in the middle of the grass patch, in the middle of nowhere. I look around and there are no borders, the meadow is boundless; there is no one in sight. I am alone, gladly alone. I lay down on the soft grass and gaze at the clouds. The blades of grass tickle my ears and arms playfully. But I dont feel annoyed, I feel at peace. I will watch as the fluffy white bundles float effortlessly through the sky, and allow my confined imagination to conjure up the most creative image it can of the clouds. The surroundings are quiet; there are no birds, there are no butterflies, nothing. And when I am well rested, I will stand up and I will continue walking in whichever direction my heart contents. Walking and walking and walking, with no aim or intention or care in mind. Just walking.

----------------------------

7:46PM

I know they are judging me. People love to judge, don't they? They can't help it, I understand. It is natural instinct of them, for them; an innate and irrepressible desire to judge. To develop an impression of someone else within the span of fleeting seconds of their first meeting. I used to think the most ideal way to deal and respond to this was by judging them back – i mean, tit for tat right? Usually in the situation where you know you are being mercilessly judged by another, you are hapless, there is nothing you can do. To defend yourself or to alter that incorrect and undesirable impression they have already formed of you. You have no control at all. But I soon realise, judging them back did not work, unease still plagues me. Especially when the numbers did not show to my advantage; people equals power, the more people you have on your side, the more ground you stand. Then it dawned upon me, the only way to avoid being judged, is the join them. Join them, be on their side; and judge others, WITH them.

It is similar to the situation shown in Hunger Games, a book i'm currently reading. In the story, kids in this live event are made to kill of each other, the last person who remains alive, wins. Survival of the fittest. And so, if you can't kill them, join them. Form an alliance. It is the best way to keep yourself alive for the longest period of time. Of course the point will come when someone has to backstab one of their allies. I mean, its vital. For survival. Survival is everything. Trust is nothing. Trust, is merely nonsense thrown out by humans, at other humans and into the nothingness of space.

I was never them. I was never with them. They disgust me, but yet I want to be them, with them. The complication of interpersonal relations disgust me. And befuddles me too. I want to be there, with them, but I can't.

----

And someone is there. Though their being is there, their mind wanders elsewhere, they are caught up with living some other life of their own. In that moment, the someone thinks, what the fuck i don't give a damn fuck off you.

The someone tries to play along. Look nice. Look approachable. Smile. Smile! As though waiting for the moment to resolve the awkwardness it created itself. A slight tint of nonchalance is reflected subtly in their gaze.

Someone else there, stops. And that someone falls.

And you did not even bother. You do not even bother. In that moment... that moment did not mean anything. Nothing at all.

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

I'm not that girl

Today I decided I will (try my best to) not use the F-word anymore.
Today I reconsidered what I truly want in life.
Today I re-embraced the fact that I don't ever want to grow up.
Today I experienced the sense that I don't belong.
Today I lost a moment.
Today I felt lousy.
Today I realised I am tired.

Perhaps, all along, I have been chasing after something that was never on my hunting ground to begin with... longing to own something that was never in stock on the shelf... yearning for something what was never in my league, never anywhere near being Mine.