Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

It is true. I do not know who I am and I definitely do not know what I want. You can say I am caught in a limbo, in a dilemma. Will I be happier off somewhere else doing something I am not truly content with, but comforted by the fact that no matter what I do, I surely will not falter? Or struggle to assimilate into a society, which not necessarily will welcome me with open arms, but in which I think (but am not certain) I will enjoy being a part of? This just drives back to the point which states I am wholly unclear on my aims and objectives and priorities. I mean, for sure I doubt I will survive in the professional world with my current standards. Yet I will possibly barely be able to keep afloat in the arts industry; it completely does not seem effortless to me, as it does to some. Perhaps I am really not cut out to dabble in those waters. The turbulent waves might just submerge me head first, downwards, immediately, devouring me entirely into a bottomless abyss with no escape. 

But if so, then where else should I head to? Show me the light please. Someone, guide me. I feel so lost and befuddled right now. I really do not enjoy this "journey of self discovery" thing; I do not like how things are so unclear and undefined. I feel I am the sort of person who is greatly insecure when unequipped with the knowledge of what the future holds. This mindless plunder is wearing me thin, and I am sick and tired and almost bored!

Here comes the point where I indulge in self-rant once again. School is burying me alive! It is a hellhole! Really. Well, it is not the building or place that I hate, and it is not the people – people are difficult to handle, but somehow you always know there is a way around it; even the hardest heart will eventually be moved. But it is the system! Yes, THE SYSTEM. I detest Singapore's education system thoroughly, and entirely. I dislike the competitiveness, the obsessiveness, the rigidness, of the system. Moreover, I cannot seem to conform appropriately and with ease to this particular system. I guess I am also not cut out to tackle head-on with other top brains in this heated battle-field. So apparently, it seems I dropped my sword, picked up a tiny shield and hid in the corner, trembling, ever since the START horn was first blown. Or maybe, I gallantly fought initially. But upon realisation of what truly lies on war-grounds did I hesitate and backtrack. 

Maybe it is due to the fact I am beginning to lose my competitive edge. Maybe I have already lost it long ago. Long ago when I was left far behind to scramble in the dirt and dust, as every one else sped off to snag the top place in this furious rat race. It is a race, a battle. There can only be this amount of champions. And so they say, at the end of the day, everyone is a winner. What a whole lot of bullcrap. In Singapore, if you are not the top of the top of the top of the top, the creme da le cream da le cream, you are nothing. Much less with the in flux of "foreign talent", please, no fight. They were born to slay giants!

What affects me more, is how I was not affected. For months, I was not affected. I did not care. I did not bother. I could not even bring myself to give a damn. I hate this fact. It bugs me. It is utterly disgusting. Embarrassingly disgusting. How I never seemed to have cared; to shamelessly dawdle even when I knew I had yards to catch up on; to run and shun adversity when I knew I had to kill to thrive. It is time to wake up. To live, you need to fight. I have learnt. I probably knew it all along, just that I did not care. And no one, and nothing, woke me. I was drowning in my own pool of grave delusions. I was falling haphazardly from my castle on a cloud and not even realising the unprecedented crash which awaited me. I was floating in my tiny bubble headed straight on for a clean tip needle.

I am ever waiting for a sudden epiphany to hit me; be it hard on the head or a gentle awakening. As said, actually, I do think I have already been struck by the arrow of revelation recently. I cannot quite place a finger when or how it occurred but I do sense I am more conscientious this semester, which is definitely a good thing. I am pretty certain there was an event, or a couple of events, that truly brought down the earthquake effect on me (though frustratingly, I cannot quite recall!). Whatever it is, I hope I am able to keep up with it momentum of working. Frankly, I am feeling really boggled down already, I feel so trapped. I do not like this suppression at all. But come on, I do not have a choice, do I?

Then again, perhaps one of the reasons I am suddenly propelled to work hard for the final exams is that, I know I cannot use the Arts as a safety net. I was actually considering it for as an option a couple of months back. But, no. It would not hold anyway. Now I tell myself, I must not be a Type A jump-and-a-net-will-appear risk-taker; it is far too risky. True, it has its advantages, being fearless, but in an uptight society like this, I think the motion of 'better safe than sorry' works more effectively. Honestly speaking, I do not know if I am a risk-taker or not. But after all that has been said, I am probably not. But nevertheless, as the song goes... Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close me eyes, and Leap! And leap, I shall.

It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down.

Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

It is true. I do not know who I am and I definitely do not know what I want. You can say I am caught in a limbo, in a dilemma. Will I be happier off somewhere else doing something I am not truly content with, but comforted by the fact that no matter what I do, I surely will not falter? Or struggle to assimilate into a society, which not necessarily will welcome me with open arms, but in which I think (but am not certain) I will enjoy being a part of? This just drives back to the point which states I am wholly unclear on my aims and objectives and priorities. I mean, for sure I doubt I will survive in the professional world with my current standards. Yet I will possibly barely be able to keep afloat in the arts industry; it completely does not seem effortless to me, as it does to some. Perhaps I am really not cut out to dabble in those waters. The turbulent waves might just submerge me head first, downwards, immediately, devouring me entirely into a bottomless abyss with no escape. 

But if so, then where else should I head to? Show me the light please. Someone, guide me. I feel so lost and befuddled right now. I really do not enjoy this "journey of self discovery" thing; I do not like how things are so unclear and undefined. I feel I am the sort of person who is greatly insecure when unequipped with the knowledge of what the future holds. This mindless plunder is wearing me thin, and I am sick and tired and almost bored!

Here comes the point where I indulge in self-rant once again. School is burying me alive! It is a hellhole! Really. Well, it is not the building or place that I hate, and it is not the people – people are difficult to handle, but somehow you always know there is a way around it; even the hardest heart will eventually be moved. But it is the system! Yes, THE SYSTEM. I detest Singapore's education system thoroughly, and entirely. I dislike the competitiveness, the obsessiveness, the rigidness, of the system. Moreover, I cannot seem to conform appropriately and with ease to this particular system. I guess I am also not cut out to tackle head-on with other top brains in this heated battle-field. So apparently, it seems I dropped my sword, picked up a tiny shield and hid in the corner, trembling, ever since the START horn was first blown. Or maybe, I gallantly fought initially. But upon realisation of what truly lies on war-grounds did I hesitate and backtrack. 

Maybe it is due to the fact I am beginning to lose my competitive edge. Maybe I have already lost it long ago. Long ago when I was left far behind to scramble in the dirt and dust, as every one else sped off to snag the top place in this furious rat race. It is a race, a battle. There can only be this amount of champions. And so they say, at the end of the day, everyone is a winner. What a whole lot of bullcrap. In Singapore, if you are not the top of the top of the top of the top, the creme da le cream da le cream, you are nothing. Much less with the in flux of "foreign talent", please, no fight. They were born to slay giants!

What affects me more, is how I was not affected. For months, I was not affected. I did not care. I did not bother. I could not even bring myself to give a damn. I hate this fact. It bugs me. It is utterly disgusting. Embarrassingly disgusting. How I never seemed to have cared; to shamelessly dawdle even when I knew I had yards to catch up on; to run and shun adversity when I knew I had to kill to thrive. It is time to wake up. To live, you need to fight. I have learnt. I probably knew it all along, just that I did not care. And no one, and nothing, woke me. I was drowning in my own pool of grave delusions. I was falling haphazardly from my castle on a cloud and not even realising the unprecedented crash which awaited me. I was floating in my tiny bubble headed straight on for a clean tip needle.

I am ever waiting for a sudden epiphany to hit me; be it hard on the head or a gentle awakening. As said, actually, I do think I have already been struck by the arrow of revelation recently. I cannot quite place a finger when or how it occurred but I do sense I am more conscientious this semester, which is definitely a good thing. I am pretty certain there was an event, or a couple of events, that truly brought down the earthquake effect on me (though frustratingly, I cannot quite recall!). Whatever it is, I hope I am able to keep up with it momentum of working. Frankly, I am feeling really boggled down already, I feel so trapped. I do not like this suppression at all. But come on, I do not have a choice, do I?

Then again, perhaps one of the reasons I am suddenly propelled to work hard for the final exams is that, I know I cannot use the Arts as a safety net. I was actually considering it for as an option a couple of months back. But, no. It would not hold anyway. Now I tell myself, I must not be a Type A jump-and-a-net-will-appear risk-taker; it is far too risky. True, it has its advantages, being fearless, but in an uptight society like this, I think the motion of 'better safe than sorry' works more effectively. Honestly speaking, I do not know if I am a risk-taker or not. But after all that has been said, I am probably not. But nevertheless, as the song goes... Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close me eyes, and Leap! And leap, I shall.

It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down.