I stumbled upon a couple of my old posts tonight. They reminded me of the many times that I have been terribly mean and nasty to many people. And I have said many things that I should not have, and done many things that I should not have. I still feel horrible and awful and miserable about every bad thing I have done in my life and I wish every one will never know and never remember. More than ever know or never find out, I do not mind if they do know, I well know people will know about things some how sooner or later but I want people never to remember. I wish I had control over every body's memory just so I can pick and choose what I want others to retain and to eradicate every single piece of occurrence which would jolly well do rid from the face of this earth. I know this reveals the self-conscious side of me and I am self-conscious. I mind what people think and I mind what people know and I mind what people recall when they think or see me. I am afraid of what people know and I am fearful of what people tell people. People talk and what they say are not always good in fact it is more often bad than good. Just look at yourself the last thing you told someone else about someone you knew, was it a good thing. well if it was perhaps you are a very good kind nice person or you just favour and like that certain someone enough not to do anything against him or her to tarnish or taint their reputation. Reputation matters regardless whether you accept this fact or not. And I do understand this fact. I try not to think about things I try to avoid and neglect. But just because you try to erase something does not mean it will disappear so easily. There are so many things in my life in life that I can do without. I can do without people so many people. Why must there be so many people on this earth in this world. Why can I not play god and choose who I want to be around me and when I want them to be around me. Why can there not be a clear all button that at certain points I may use to simply clear out every thing and every body in my life so I can just reside in the calm of my thoughts. My mind is not calm it is tossing like the ocean. Constantly there is one thing that is so hard to curb its thought. I have no control over thought I do not know if this is a lack of discipline or a mere lack of mental will power. I wish there are times where there can just be a void I can escape to to hide in my own cupboard of darkness, here I will have wanted to use the word misery but what right do I have to use that word. To bury myself in the gloom of my self-detestation and to sentence myself to endless self-depreciation and envelope myself in my own personal torment that I can never accept the world the way it will never accept my entity. I know one should beware what one wishes for but I wish I can be free. I want to be free from this world of the people. I do not like people. People are the bad, it is not the world that is bad it is the throngs of people who populate it which mar it with streaks of evil and corruptibility, all this blemishes they are the people. I do not like people. I do not like being connected I do not know why I use Facebook or why I have to try to break myself away from it when it is such a repulsive tool which disgusts and basically brings more bad than good. I know people watch things on facebook very closely and people judge base of the things they see. I know what people think because I think that way to sometimes. Many times. I can tell what people are thinking about me from their sight and once or twice I try to ignore and put aside my wandering thoughts and presumptions. But to be honest to myself so many a time when something is there it is there. No matter how you try to cover it or disguise it or hide it it is there and it always will be if it is. If so what can you do. There truly is nothing you can do other than acknowledge it and accept whatever is there. If that is the first step, it is the only step. The final one. For the other step is not up to you any more. It is up to those who can see you those who are in a position to judge you. I can almost confidently say that any one who claims they are entirely unconcerned by the way they are being judged or viewed is lying. Perhaps they do not even know they are lying to begin with. Sometimes people lie to themselves too to feel better. I cannot lie to myself. It just rejects and cancels itself somehow and maybe it is my paranoid nature that disallows this lie-to-oneself protection mechanism to properly function. At times I am delusional maybe but it just feels lousy at the end of the day because I do not feel any better but instead worst. Sometimes I feel just like Elphaba I think to myself yes maybe I do know how she feels. To try to stand up and be strong and be who you think you are to devoid yourself of fear of what people around you think. But I am not Elphaba I cannot go into the Oz Dust ballroom and do what I do and not care and I do not earn a beautiful perfect friend the way she does. It is just so easy to feel so green inside and yet so difficult to let a shade of pink escape. I think people who are full of pink in their lives are blessed, to be able to allow the pink to flow all around themselves and out of their system to surround their entire like a glow. And in a sense this pink will lift them up. I do not need to be pink on the outside I just want to find my internal pinkness again to resume that ease and that calm because you know you are pink and with pink you feel safe and happy. Sometimes I wonder how things will be if I had something to protect in life something that I can truly call mine to safeguard and to shield fearlessly and selflessly. Whatever is said is mere talk anyway. I realise I do not actually truly love anything or anyone in my life. Yes there are people I care about most of the time and people that I am born to have be related and committed to. I do not know how this mind set came about but I somehow believe there would never be another who will love me the way I can love them. I do not believe in reciprocal emotions I do not believe in mutual understanding and I do not believe in two standing on truly identical common ground and having the ability to relate directly. I also hope that the care and concern and love and appreciation I send out to a few will return to me in equivalent amounts or maybe more but it is all equivocal and almost impossible. I know it is selfish and silly and immature and petty but sometimes I feel it is just so unfair how I do not feel like I receive what I send out in return. I want people I care about to feel good to feel loved. Sometimes I just wish I could be two people in one and I can just complement myself and constantly make myself feel wholesome and well and loved. I just feel others will never be able to fully understand and achieve what an individual wants to feel entirely and thus they can never do what is exactly appropriate to help fix things. Perhaps this is why people feel down at times they feel lonely people go into depression. Not because there is not enough love in the world well I guess there is not anyway but because people do not know how or where to direct the love and sometimes it does not hit accurately. If I could I want to adopt something to love with all my life and energy and every thing I have the condition being it cannot be a person. Just because. I do not like people. They are difficult and troublesome and fickle and tough to understand. Even the nicest of people. I am a sceptic? Am I I do not know and I do not care. No I care about a lot of things. Things that I do not think I care about, I do. I know and I want to fix things. It is so tiring all the time. Tiresome. I think this is why people choose to give up on life or maybe this is why there is religion. I am not religious I was not brought up to be religious. Does that make me a bad person? This I truly will have no answer to but so I have no guided path and I do not know where to go at times. It is so difficult to be a person and to live around so many other people. Why can we not all be born with the guide to life in our hands and why can every one not just follow the exact same guide straight down to the tee with no exceptions or alterations. Just generations after generations doing the same thing and feeling nothing. Just like robots. Maybe this is why we should go ahead with robots let them take over the earth and carry the burden that humans just were not strong enough or cut out to bear. Blame the people. They are the worst of them all. Why can't I have and live on my own planet?

I feel so lousy.


--
Alone and loveless here, with just the girl in the mirror.
Just her and me – The Wicked Witch Of The East.

I stumbled upon a couple of my old posts tonight. They reminded me of the many times that I have been terribly mean and nasty to many people. And I have said many things that I should not have, and done many things that I should not have. I still feel horrible and awful and miserable about every bad thing I have done in my life and I wish every one will never know and never remember. More than ever know or never find out, I do not mind if they do know, I well know people will know about things some how sooner or later but I want people never to remember. I wish I had control over every body's memory just so I can pick and choose what I want others to retain and to eradicate every single piece of occurrence which would jolly well do rid from the face of this earth. I know this reveals the self-conscious side of me and I am self-conscious. I mind what people think and I mind what people know and I mind what people recall when they think or see me. I am afraid of what people know and I am fearful of what people tell people. People talk and what they say are not always good in fact it is more often bad than good. Just look at yourself the last thing you told someone else about someone you knew, was it a good thing. well if it was perhaps you are a very good kind nice person or you just favour and like that certain someone enough not to do anything against him or her to tarnish or taint their reputation. Reputation matters regardless whether you accept this fact or not. And I do understand this fact. I try not to think about things I try to avoid and neglect. But just because you try to erase something does not mean it will disappear so easily. There are so many things in my life in life that I can do without. I can do without people so many people. Why must there be so many people on this earth in this world. Why can I not play god and choose who I want to be around me and when I want them to be around me. Why can there not be a clear all button that at certain points I may use to simply clear out every thing and every body in my life so I can just reside in the calm of my thoughts. My mind is not calm it is tossing like the ocean. Constantly there is one thing that is so hard to curb its thought. I have no control over thought I do not know if this is a lack of discipline or a mere lack of mental will power. I wish there are times where there can just be a void I can escape to to hide in my own cupboard of darkness, here I will have wanted to use the word misery but what right do I have to use that word. To bury myself in the gloom of my self-detestation and to sentence myself to endless self-depreciation and envelope myself in my own personal torment that I can never accept the world the way it will never accept my entity. I know one should beware what one wishes for but I wish I can be free. I want to be free from this world of the people. I do not like people. People are the bad, it is not the world that is bad it is the throngs of people who populate it which mar it with streaks of evil and corruptibility, all this blemishes they are the people. I do not like people. I do not like being connected I do not know why I use Facebook or why I have to try to break myself away from it when it is such a repulsive tool which disgusts and basically brings more bad than good. I know people watch things on facebook very closely and people judge base of the things they see. I know what people think because I think that way to sometimes. Many times. I can tell what people are thinking about me from their sight and once or twice I try to ignore and put aside my wandering thoughts and presumptions. But to be honest to myself so many a time when something is there it is there. No matter how you try to cover it or disguise it or hide it it is there and it always will be if it is. If so what can you do. There truly is nothing you can do other than acknowledge it and accept whatever is there. If that is the first step, it is the only step. The final one. For the other step is not up to you any more. It is up to those who can see you those who are in a position to judge you. I can almost confidently say that any one who claims they are entirely unconcerned by the way they are being judged or viewed is lying. Perhaps they do not even know they are lying to begin with. Sometimes people lie to themselves too to feel better. I cannot lie to myself. It just rejects and cancels itself somehow and maybe it is my paranoid nature that disallows this lie-to-oneself protection mechanism to properly function. At times I am delusional maybe but it just feels lousy at the end of the day because I do not feel any better but instead worst. Sometimes I feel just like Elphaba I think to myself yes maybe I do know how she feels. To try to stand up and be strong and be who you think you are to devoid yourself of fear of what people around you think. But I am not Elphaba I cannot go into the Oz Dust ballroom and do what I do and not care and I do not earn a beautiful perfect friend the way she does. It is just so easy to feel so green inside and yet so difficult to let a shade of pink escape. I think people who are full of pink in their lives are blessed, to be able to allow the pink to flow all around themselves and out of their system to surround their entire like a glow. And in a sense this pink will lift them up. I do not need to be pink on the outside I just want to find my internal pinkness again to resume that ease and that calm because you know you are pink and with pink you feel safe and happy. Sometimes I wonder how things will be if I had something to protect in life something that I can truly call mine to safeguard and to shield fearlessly and selflessly. Whatever is said is mere talk anyway. I realise I do not actually truly love anything or anyone in my life. Yes there are people I care about most of the time and people that I am born to have be related and committed to. I do not know how this mind set came about but I somehow believe there would never be another who will love me the way I can love them. I do not believe in reciprocal emotions I do not believe in mutual understanding and I do not believe in two standing on truly identical common ground and having the ability to relate directly. I also hope that the care and concern and love and appreciation I send out to a few will return to me in equivalent amounts or maybe more but it is all equivocal and almost impossible. I know it is selfish and silly and immature and petty but sometimes I feel it is just so unfair how I do not feel like I receive what I send out in return. I want people I care about to feel good to feel loved. Sometimes I just wish I could be two people in one and I can just complement myself and constantly make myself feel wholesome and well and loved. I just feel others will never be able to fully understand and achieve what an individual wants to feel entirely and thus they can never do what is exactly appropriate to help fix things. Perhaps this is why people feel down at times they feel lonely people go into depression. Not because there is not enough love in the world well I guess there is not anyway but because people do not know how or where to direct the love and sometimes it does not hit accurately. If I could I want to adopt something to love with all my life and energy and every thing I have the condition being it cannot be a person. Just because. I do not like people. They are difficult and troublesome and fickle and tough to understand. Even the nicest of people. I am a sceptic? Am I I do not know and I do not care. No I care about a lot of things. Things that I do not think I care about, I do. I know and I want to fix things. It is so tiring all the time. Tiresome. I think this is why people choose to give up on life or maybe this is why there is religion. I am not religious I was not brought up to be religious. Does that make me a bad person? This I truly will have no answer to but so I have no guided path and I do not know where to go at times. It is so difficult to be a person and to live around so many other people. Why can we not all be born with the guide to life in our hands and why can every one not just follow the exact same guide straight down to the tee with no exceptions or alterations. Just generations after generations doing the same thing and feeling nothing. Just like robots. Maybe this is why we should go ahead with robots let them take over the earth and carry the burden that humans just were not strong enough or cut out to bear. Blame the people. They are the worst of them all. Why can't I have and live on my own planet?

I feel so lousy.


--
Alone and loveless here, with just the girl in the mirror.
Just her and me – The Wicked Witch Of The East.