Life has been strange ever since the Os are over. It seems as though the sole purpose of my life has been entirely eliminated. Without an urgent task at hand and a definite deadline in sight to pressurise me, I am beginning to have too much time once again for my mind to wander. It would be utterly hypocritical of me to say that I enjoyed every moment of prep work for the Os – I did not – but it was undeniably a good distraction. It kept my mind busy, and it kept my life on track. Every thing was routine, I knew I was pressed for time, I slept early, I was constantly preoccupied when I was awake. In fact, that couple of weeks I spent in school during study leave were partly some of my happiest days, despite the craziness of things and the vexed nerves. It felt good working towards something, working for something.

And then it all just ended.

I guess I saw it coming all along. That last few weeks before the Os – though perhaps the most stressful ones of my life – were what makes every journey count. But also, they were the beginning of the end. The end of something that gave my life definition, and something that kept me walking up every day to fight against and to fight towards. We all need some driving force in our lives, you know? And somehow that humongous exam gave me just what I need.

Be it motivation or distraction, the Os was such a dominant part of my life. It was practically my entire life itself. And with it gone, I once again have nothing to obsess over. Which is pretty self-destructive in itself.

I packed my holidays with travelling. When I wasn't travelling, I busied myself with meet-ups. I try to keep myself occupied, I try to make myself hang around people. In fact, barely back for 2 days and I have made it a point to fill up my January with plans generously. I don't know why I need to do this, but a voice in my head repeatedly reminds me that I have to. Back-to-back plans and non-stop activities are what I need to keep myself together.

---

Do you not get tired? Well, I can no longer tell if I am finally sinking under the burden of exhaustion or if I have been tired all along. Perhaps having to come to terms with one's inner demons and hyperactive mental workings is much more tiring as opposed to perpetual movement.

Perhaps I am just someone who needs, note not chooses but needs, those countless reminders that I can have people around when I want if I want. I generally have nothing whatsoever against spending time on my own (in fact I usually enjoy it very much), but it's just these days my mind is getting too loud for me to ignore and there are some unresolved and incomprehensible issues that simply would not go away, and they will probably never go away unless you take them down head first, but that is almost impossible when you dont know where they reside or what form that take. Knowing how to commence and carry out a battle is tough, finding the courage to proceed is tougher, but what trumps it all is fighting when you don't know what it is you're fighting. One cannot fight thin air; it is not long before you lose interest if not burn out. Just like a dog chasing it's tail.

And then one day you ask yourself, perhaps this thing that you're egging yourself towards for a wrestle is so small its negligible. Perhaps you were meant to learn to live with it, whatever this malevolent creature is. Perhaps it is indeed something everyone encounters and continues life with as baggage – necessary baggage. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was never there to begin with. You merely made it up. Just to feel a little less alone in that hour of desperation. 

Maybe you're afraid. Don't worry, every one is. Or was, before they overcame it. Try to get over it. I know, but what if you don't know what it is that you're afraid of. Or what if you know that you'd never be able to cross over that hurdle regardless of what you do. What if it is yourself that you are afraid of. When does it end when you are fearing yourself, or fighting yourself. When does this vicious cycle of self-destruction end.

You know, things do not have to be as convoluted as you make them to be. Do we still have choices? And for how much longer?

Life has been strange ever since the Os are over. It seems as though the sole purpose of my life has been entirely eliminated. Without an urgent task at hand and a definite deadline in sight to pressurise me, I am beginning to have too much time once again for my mind to wander. It would be utterly hypocritical of me to say that I enjoyed every moment of prep work for the Os – I did not – but it was undeniably a good distraction. It kept my mind busy, and it kept my life on track. Every thing was routine, I knew I was pressed for time, I slept early, I was constantly preoccupied when I was awake. In fact, that couple of weeks I spent in school during study leave were partly some of my happiest days, despite the craziness of things and the vexed nerves. It felt good working towards something, working for something.

And then it all just ended.

I guess I saw it coming all along. That last few weeks before the Os – though perhaps the most stressful ones of my life – were what makes every journey count. But also, they were the beginning of the end. The end of something that gave my life definition, and something that kept me walking up every day to fight against and to fight towards. We all need some driving force in our lives, you know? And somehow that humongous exam gave me just what I need.

Be it motivation or distraction, the Os was such a dominant part of my life. It was practically my entire life itself. And with it gone, I once again have nothing to obsess over. Which is pretty self-destructive in itself.

I packed my holidays with travelling. When I wasn't travelling, I busied myself with meet-ups. I try to keep myself occupied, I try to make myself hang around people. In fact, barely back for 2 days and I have made it a point to fill up my January with plans generously. I don't know why I need to do this, but a voice in my head repeatedly reminds me that I have to. Back-to-back plans and non-stop activities are what I need to keep myself together.

---

Do you not get tired? Well, I can no longer tell if I am finally sinking under the burden of exhaustion or if I have been tired all along. Perhaps having to come to terms with one's inner demons and hyperactive mental workings is much more tiring as opposed to perpetual movement.

Perhaps I am just someone who needs, note not chooses but needs, those countless reminders that I can have people around when I want if I want. I generally have nothing whatsoever against spending time on my own (in fact I usually enjoy it very much), but it's just these days my mind is getting too loud for me to ignore and there are some unresolved and incomprehensible issues that simply would not go away, and they will probably never go away unless you take them down head first, but that is almost impossible when you dont know where they reside or what form that take. Knowing how to commence and carry out a battle is tough, finding the courage to proceed is tougher, but what trumps it all is fighting when you don't know what it is you're fighting. One cannot fight thin air; it is not long before you lose interest if not burn out. Just like a dog chasing it's tail.

And then one day you ask yourself, perhaps this thing that you're egging yourself towards for a wrestle is so small its negligible. Perhaps you were meant to learn to live with it, whatever this malevolent creature is. Perhaps it is indeed something everyone encounters and continues life with as baggage – necessary baggage. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was never there to begin with. You merely made it up. Just to feel a little less alone in that hour of desperation. 

Maybe you're afraid. Don't worry, every one is. Or was, before they overcame it. Try to get over it. I know, but what if you don't know what it is that you're afraid of. Or what if you know that you'd never be able to cross over that hurdle regardless of what you do. What if it is yourself that you are afraid of. When does it end when you are fearing yourself, or fighting yourself. When does this vicious cycle of self-destruction end.

You know, things do not have to be as convoluted as you make them to be. Do we still have choices? And for how much longer?