Just realised I haven’t written anything here since I started a whole new journey at ACSI IB. Frankly, I think the primary reason for the hiatus was purely the lack of inspiration. And the drastic decrease in late nights spent awake enveloping myself in my own personal torment and floundering in cesspools of self-deprecation. I’ve mentioned before that I believe people (or at least myself) write the best when they’re filled with emotions – the greater the intensity of feeling, the easier the words flow. Indeed, I still believe that is so.

Ever since actual school life has started, I have been feeling a little different. I have been feeling less. I can’t quite place a finger on what it is or how it feels like exactly, but I guess I don’t feel so awful all the time anymore. Which of course, is an excellent thing. A change in environment was truly what I needed I guess. Having to assimilate into a new community, meeting new people and attuning myself to a whole new programme have provided me with a strange sense of renewal; the liberating effects of change.

And life is beginning to take a turn for the better now. I mean, undeniably, academically it is all still equally stressful and extremely challenging and IB really makes me feel like banging my head repeatedly against a wall all the time, but life on a whole isn’t so hard anymore. It’s tough to comprehend I know, just as it is tough to explain. But somehow I really enjoy life at ACSI.

For one I genuinely love most of the classes I take. Apart from say HL Maths and (more often than not) TOK, I really like all my other classes very much and that is fascinatingly fantastic because I do look forward to going to them and that makes everything less painful. Of course I still zone out and fall asleep here and there, but for the large part of it all, I do take a keen interest in most of the things I am being taught and I feel I am (for once in my life) really learning new things purely for the sake of learning rather than for a big exam. (yes IB is still a bitch anyway, but lets ignore that for now) And as a person greatly driven by interest and passion, it has been especially effective for me, for the engagement I feel in those classes which I love has helped me appreciate my subjects more. Not to mention, most of my tutors are amazing people whom I absolutely adore. Personally I am very proud of myself for being able to click and find common ground with most of my tutors in just a single term. That is of course a great start, knowing that I don’t have to spend a year or more getting acquainted with them (for evidently I do not have the luxury of so much time in IB).

Similarly, I have met many lovely people in the short time I have spent here. Though many are merely acquaintances, it is really heartening to see these people around and know that we are all part of a big AC family. I think that is one of the perks of having such a small school population – it makes the whole familial concept a lot more ‘implementable’ so to speak. Additionally, I am glad my class is beginning to bond a lot more recently; I guess it helps in inculcating a sense of belonging, which is very comforting.

Another thing that makes me feel somewhat better in this phase of my life is that I have been bumping into a lot of old and not-so-old friends since I entered JC. Even from the first week, I have been reconnected with old boys from HPPS in AC, and also those in ACJC etc. As trivial as it may seem, reuniting or simply bumping into old friends makes me very happy. Whenever someone from primary school or tuition or wherever remembers me or reminisces with me, it just makes me feel like I did something right in the past. I had friends and I did not mess up everything, not all of it at least. Likewise, I also love meeting SC girls and being able to chat with them regardless if we were acquaintances or even friends at all back in sc.

In retrospect, I don’t think it was being in sc that made me unhappy. Or for the matter, anything or anyone in particular. I love SC very much, and I still miss it a lot. Maybe not so much this term, but I still do. I remember in the first few weeks, and the entire 1st term in fact, I missed SC to no end. But I guess over the days, I grew from thinking of sc life all the time, to three-quarters the time, to half the time, and bit by bit the longing to return to what things were slowly dwindled. Nonetheless, it holds a special place in my heart (just like HPPS), but I don’t feel as lousy for not being there anymore as I did previously. Sometimes it occurs to me that it is not so much scgs the school that I miss, or the people, or the canteen food, but more the sense of familiarity and routine. The sense of belonging to a community that you went through four years to be part of. But now that I have almost fully assimilated in ACSI, I feel my dependency of clinging onto my life at sc and the past has reducing bit by bit everyday.

This is a good thing – change. It is undeniably an incredibly difficult thing to grapple with (for me at least!), but I do believe it is beneficial and crucial in order to grow. If I had’t left HPPS, I would never have met the amazing people I met at SC. And if I hadn’t left SC, I would never have brushed shoulders with the beautiful people I currently get to spend everyday with now. So yes, change is a blessing in disguise.

As much as I feel much better now, I do not detest the past at all. Neither do I blame anything; and as much as I am inclined to blaming myself, I am gradually learning how not to. Someone told me lately, “everything happens for a reason and perhaps one day you might find out why…”, I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but it does seem extremely apt and applicable in my life right now. Without the bad times, the good times would not seem as good. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason, I won’t know. But I know that with every step you take, every decision you make, (every slice of cake – haha my 2am self thought it would have been amusing if this whole sentence had rhymed) every challenge you encounter, be it good or bad, you grow. And growth in every sense is good, for I believe that is what life is for. To grow and to learn and to become something bigger than you are today, tomorrow. 

Yes, so even though there are still days which hit rock-bottom and I feel the same horrible nonsense that I felt, life is bearable now. In fact, it is on the long-road to amazing. So maybe it does get better, maybe it does not. But regardless, I am slowly teaching myself to take things as they come and to live each day as it is. To go with the flow and to trust my gut. To overthink less and to open my heart more. And maybe, just maybe, everything will indeed be okay in the end.

---

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”  - Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

Just realised I haven’t written anything here since I started a whole new journey at ACSI IB. Frankly, I think the primary reason for the hiatus was purely the lack of inspiration. And the drastic decrease in late nights spent awake enveloping myself in my own personal torment and floundering in cesspools of self-deprecation. I’ve mentioned before that I believe people (or at least myself) write the best when they’re filled with emotions – the greater the intensity of feeling, the easier the words flow. Indeed, I still believe that is so.

Ever since actual school life has started, I have been feeling a little different. I have been feeling less. I can’t quite place a finger on what it is or how it feels like exactly, but I guess I don’t feel so awful all the time anymore. Which of course, is an excellent thing. A change in environment was truly what I needed I guess. Having to assimilate into a new community, meeting new people and attuning myself to a whole new programme have provided me with a strange sense of renewal; the liberating effects of change.

And life is beginning to take a turn for the better now. I mean, undeniably, academically it is all still equally stressful and extremely challenging and IB really makes me feel like banging my head repeatedly against a wall all the time, but life on a whole isn’t so hard anymore. It’s tough to comprehend I know, just as it is tough to explain. But somehow I really enjoy life at ACSI.

For one I genuinely love most of the classes I take. Apart from say HL Maths and (more often than not) TOK, I really like all my other classes very much and that is fascinatingly fantastic because I do look forward to going to them and that makes everything less painful. Of course I still zone out and fall asleep here and there, but for the large part of it all, I do take a keen interest in most of the things I am being taught and I feel I am (for once in my life) really learning new things purely for the sake of learning rather than for a big exam. (yes IB is still a bitch anyway, but lets ignore that for now) And as a person greatly driven by interest and passion, it has been especially effective for me, for the engagement I feel in those classes which I love has helped me appreciate my subjects more. Not to mention, most of my tutors are amazing people whom I absolutely adore. Personally I am very proud of myself for being able to click and find common ground with most of my tutors in just a single term. That is of course a great start, knowing that I don’t have to spend a year or more getting acquainted with them (for evidently I do not have the luxury of so much time in IB).

Similarly, I have met many lovely people in the short time I have spent here. Though many are merely acquaintances, it is really heartening to see these people around and know that we are all part of a big AC family. I think that is one of the perks of having such a small school population – it makes the whole familial concept a lot more ‘implementable’ so to speak. Additionally, I am glad my class is beginning to bond a lot more recently; I guess it helps in inculcating a sense of belonging, which is very comforting.

Another thing that makes me feel somewhat better in this phase of my life is that I have been bumping into a lot of old and not-so-old friends since I entered JC. Even from the first week, I have been reconnected with old boys from HPPS in AC, and also those in ACJC etc. As trivial as it may seem, reuniting or simply bumping into old friends makes me very happy. Whenever someone from primary school or tuition or wherever remembers me or reminisces with me, it just makes me feel like I did something right in the past. I had friends and I did not mess up everything, not all of it at least. Likewise, I also love meeting SC girls and being able to chat with them regardless if we were acquaintances or even friends at all back in sc.

In retrospect, I don’t think it was being in sc that made me unhappy. Or for the matter, anything or anyone in particular. I love SC very much, and I still miss it a lot. Maybe not so much this term, but I still do. I remember in the first few weeks, and the entire 1st term in fact, I missed SC to no end. But I guess over the days, I grew from thinking of sc life all the time, to three-quarters the time, to half the time, and bit by bit the longing to return to what things were slowly dwindled. Nonetheless, it holds a special place in my heart (just like HPPS), but I don’t feel as lousy for not being there anymore as I did previously. Sometimes it occurs to me that it is not so much scgs the school that I miss, or the people, or the canteen food, but more the sense of familiarity and routine. The sense of belonging to a community that you went through four years to be part of. But now that I have almost fully assimilated in ACSI, I feel my dependency of clinging onto my life at sc and the past has reducing bit by bit everyday.

This is a good thing – change. It is undeniably an incredibly difficult thing to grapple with (for me at least!), but I do believe it is beneficial and crucial in order to grow. If I had’t left HPPS, I would never have met the amazing people I met at SC. And if I hadn’t left SC, I would never have brushed shoulders with the beautiful people I currently get to spend everyday with now. So yes, change is a blessing in disguise.

As much as I feel much better now, I do not detest the past at all. Neither do I blame anything; and as much as I am inclined to blaming myself, I am gradually learning how not to. Someone told me lately, “everything happens for a reason and perhaps one day you might find out why…”, I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but it does seem extremely apt and applicable in my life right now. Without the bad times, the good times would not seem as good. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason, I won’t know. But I know that with every step you take, every decision you make, (every slice of cake – haha my 2am self thought it would have been amusing if this whole sentence had rhymed) every challenge you encounter, be it good or bad, you grow. And growth in every sense is good, for I believe that is what life is for. To grow and to learn and to become something bigger than you are today, tomorrow. 

Yes, so even though there are still days which hit rock-bottom and I feel the same horrible nonsense that I felt, life is bearable now. In fact, it is on the long-road to amazing. So maybe it does get better, maybe it does not. But regardless, I am slowly teaching myself to take things as they come and to live each day as it is. To go with the flow and to trust my gut. To overthink less and to open my heart more. And maybe, just maybe, everything will indeed be okay in the end.

---

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”  - Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke