It’s the release of O level results tomorrow! Can’t believe it’s been a full year since I received mine – time flies. It’s as exciting as it’s scary. But this time, last year, I already knew I wasn’t going to do as well as I wanted; and I was right.

This day, one entire year ago, I realised I wasn’t actually as smart as I thought I was. For one, I worked hard. I can say, without a doubt, I did put in the effort. Perhaps not as much as I could have for maths, but for everything else, especially my sciences, I worked my ass off. Especially in the final weeks. I knew my weaknesses and I tried so god-damned hard to fix them. And to make up for the inclination and skill that I lacked. And I seriously seriously thought I’d make it. Not just make it, I expected at least an A.

But alas, stuck with, not one, but two B3s for my sciences. Of course, at that point of time I was too happy with my A1s for lit and English that I couldn’t give everything else too much thought. Nonetheless, I know it’s always been at the back of my mind – I wasn’t good enough. I clocked in the hours, I put in the effort, I made the sacrifices, so where did I go wrong?

I also had the mentality that, it’s better to be smart and lazy than dumb and hard-working. Because the one with intellect and innate skill can begin to work at it whenever and instantaneously see improvements; whereas the one who lacks the inherent ability can never go past a certain point because his potential simply does not allow for that. Yes, I know there’s always those who would tell you that hard work can override all else blah blah blah I am not in the mood to subscribe to your bullshit. I always thought of myself as smart – not REALLY smart, not genius – but smart enough to get by; get by with slightly more than enough.

So of course, in retrospect, the Os was a huge disappointment. I know, it took a whole year for me to outwardly admit it. But yes, I was (and am) thoroughly disappointment in myself and the results I obtained. There would always be those who would say, hey you didn’t do so bad, or hey just be content with what you have; seriously, just quit it already. You really don’t understand, and have no position to say anything. Because you weren’t the one who slaved at it, nor the one who took it ever so seriously.

And for fuck’s sake, those who got off with straight lines without much effort? Well, good for you. If you know you deserved it, then you do. There’s nothing beautiful about being so close yet so far; there’s nothing beautiful about such imperfection. And all that talk about the process. Yeah sure, I enjoyed it. I worked hard, I learnt stuff, but it is just not fair that it reaps no rewards. What utter rubbish about life being more than mere paper chase and numerical validations – stop being hypocritical. I know I sound childish and ungrateful and narrow-minded right now, but just accept that it’s the chip on my shoulder talking. That indignation and anger towards myself, and everyone, and no one. 

For my PSLE I got 257 + 2 – not too bad, but not good either; for my Os I got 7-4 – once again, not bad at all, but not great either. The thing people don’t understand is how horrid it is to be stuck in mediocrity. There’s a difference between being good and being good enough.

Whatever the case, the past can’t be changed. But in confronting it, I can move on into the future. “The price I paid, was all I had, but at last I’ve found release. And if something good can come from bad, the past can rest in peace.” If I am not smart enough, I will just have to work harder. Harder and harder and harder and harder. There is no end. We just keep going. And that’s just way it is. “There are some in this world who have strength of their own, never broken or in need of repair. But there are some born to shine who can’t do it alone, so protect them and take special care.” Because even if you work till your brain fries and you die in your own pool of worthless anxiety, there will always be someone else getting something they totally do not deserve without lifting a finger. Because the world is unfair, and there is never enough to go around. You are just not good enough.

When can I finally free myself from my unrealistically high expectations and it’s resultant disappointments?

---

“Tusenback: Well, I suppose that after we are gone, people will fly about in air balloons, and the cut of a jacket will be different, and maybe they’ll discover a sixth sense and develop it. But life will remain the same – difficult, full of hidden mysteries, and happy. And a thousand years from now man will still be sighing, ‘Oh, life is hard.’ And yet at the same time he’ll be just as afraid of death as he is now, he’ll be just as reluctant to die.

Vershinin (after a moment’s thought): How can I put it? It seems to me that everything in this world must gradually change – is changing already, in front of our eyes. Two hundred years hence, three hundred years – a thousand, if you life – it’s not a question of how long – but eventually a new and happy life will dawn. No part in this life shall we have, of course, but we are living for it now – working for it – yes, and suffering for it. We are creating it – and this alone is the purpose of our existence. This, if you like, is our happiness.”

One of my favourite passages from Chekhov’s Three Sisters which I just finished yesterday.

It’s the release of O level results tomorrow! Can’t believe it’s been a full year since I received mine – time flies. It’s as exciting as it’s scary. But this time, last year, I already knew I wasn’t going to do as well as I wanted; and I was right.

This day, one entire year ago, I realised I wasn’t actually as smart as I thought I was. For one, I worked hard. I can say, without a doubt, I did put in the effort. Perhaps not as much as I could have for maths, but for everything else, especially my sciences, I worked my ass off. Especially in the final weeks. I knew my weaknesses and I tried so god-damned hard to fix them. And to make up for the inclination and skill that I lacked. And I seriously seriously thought I’d make it. Not just make it, I expected at least an A.

But alas, stuck with, not one, but two B3s for my sciences. Of course, at that point of time I was too happy with my A1s for lit and English that I couldn’t give everything else too much thought. Nonetheless, I know it’s always been at the back of my mind – I wasn’t good enough. I clocked in the hours, I put in the effort, I made the sacrifices, so where did I go wrong?

I also had the mentality that, it’s better to be smart and lazy than dumb and hard-working. Because the one with intellect and innate skill can begin to work at it whenever and instantaneously see improvements; whereas the one who lacks the inherent ability can never go past a certain point because his potential simply does not allow for that. Yes, I know there’s always those who would tell you that hard work can override all else blah blah blah I am not in the mood to subscribe to your bullshit. I always thought of myself as smart – not REALLY smart, not genius – but smart enough to get by; get by with slightly more than enough.

So of course, in retrospect, the Os was a huge disappointment. I know, it took a whole year for me to outwardly admit it. But yes, I was (and am) thoroughly disappointment in myself and the results I obtained. There would always be those who would say, hey you didn’t do so bad, or hey just be content with what you have; seriously, just quit it already. You really don’t understand, and have no position to say anything. Because you weren’t the one who slaved at it, nor the one who took it ever so seriously.

And for fuck’s sake, those who got off with straight lines without much effort? Well, good for you. If you know you deserved it, then you do. There’s nothing beautiful about being so close yet so far; there’s nothing beautiful about such imperfection. And all that talk about the process. Yeah sure, I enjoyed it. I worked hard, I learnt stuff, but it is just not fair that it reaps no rewards. What utter rubbish about life being more than mere paper chase and numerical validations – stop being hypocritical. I know I sound childish and ungrateful and narrow-minded right now, but just accept that it’s the chip on my shoulder talking. That indignation and anger towards myself, and everyone, and no one. 

For my PSLE I got 257 + 2 – not too bad, but not good either; for my Os I got 7-4 – once again, not bad at all, but not great either. The thing people don’t understand is how horrid it is to be stuck in mediocrity. There’s a difference between being good and being good enough.

Whatever the case, the past can’t be changed. But in confronting it, I can move on into the future. “The price I paid, was all I had, but at last I’ve found release. And if something good can come from bad, the past can rest in peace.” If I am not smart enough, I will just have to work harder. Harder and harder and harder and harder. There is no end. We just keep going. And that’s just way it is. “There are some in this world who have strength of their own, never broken or in need of repair. But there are some born to shine who can’t do it alone, so protect them and take special care.” Because even if you work till your brain fries and you die in your own pool of worthless anxiety, there will always be someone else getting something they totally do not deserve without lifting a finger. Because the world is unfair, and there is never enough to go around. You are just not good enough.

When can I finally free myself from my unrealistically high expectations and it’s resultant disappointments?

---

“Tusenback: Well, I suppose that after we are gone, people will fly about in air balloons, and the cut of a jacket will be different, and maybe they’ll discover a sixth sense and develop it. But life will remain the same – difficult, full of hidden mysteries, and happy. And a thousand years from now man will still be sighing, ‘Oh, life is hard.’ And yet at the same time he’ll be just as afraid of death as he is now, he’ll be just as reluctant to die.

Vershinin (after a moment’s thought): How can I put it? It seems to me that everything in this world must gradually change – is changing already, in front of our eyes. Two hundred years hence, three hundred years – a thousand, if you life – it’s not a question of how long – but eventually a new and happy life will dawn. No part in this life shall we have, of course, but we are living for it now – working for it – yes, and suffering for it. We are creating it – and this alone is the purpose of our existence. This, if you like, is our happiness.”

One of my favourite passages from Chekhov’s Three Sisters which I just finished yesterday.