So. Mini existential crisis underway. Ever since IB ended, it is like post-Os all over again; purposeless, directionless days filled with no intent. I think it’s even worse this time around because I am not travelling much. And to add on to that, I am forced to struggle with my Uni apps – not fun.

As much as I enjoy writing, the essay questions for my applications have been nothing but burdensome. It’s not the fault of the questions, really; in fact, some of them are actually very interesting and engaging, offering lots of room for interpretation and creative sharing. However, I have been finding it extremely difficult to dig deep within myself and present a truthful reflection of who I am.

Who am I anyway? / Am I my résumé?
What does he want from me? / What should I try to be?

I think the biggest issue here is that I’ve gotten TOO comfortable with not knowing who I am. There was a phase perhaps somewhere in ‘12 or so where I was desperately trying to define myself, to truly figure out what makes me – ME. This obsession with self-reflection gradually vanished on its own; partly due to workload, partly due to preoccupation with other thoughts. In fact, I did not even realise I was no longer entertaining this internal debate much anymore until someone mentioned this to me awhile back.

She said, I find it admirable how you seem so confident all the time. Like you never seem insecure, or at least outwardly. How do you do it? It seems like you’ve finally found who you are.

Gurl, hell no! I guess it simply reached the point where I decided, enough is enough. Time to pick myself out of this rut, pack up the self-loathing and self-moping, and really take a step back – or step away – from indulging in any form of self deprecation. Along with that, I became more accepting of ambiguity and uncertainty; and it is possibly this sense of growing acknowledgement that not all questions need to be answered immediately which has freed me. That quote from Rainer Maria Rilke was my mantra I swear. Shall post it once more:

“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without noticing, live your way to the answer.”

This is one of my all-time favourite passages/quotes. It has also been my all-time go-to quote to comfort others in need for the past year at least! (So if you’ve received this from me at some point, it probably means you matter and I love you quite enough) While this outlook and way of life has proven eventful thus far, it is not helping in the face of uni applications. Not when some form of absolution and definition is demanded. It really is quite tough to attempt to tell someone else about yourself, when you yourself aren’t too sure who you yourself are to begin with. Yes, so this has been troubling me lately. Not to a large degree, not emotionally; but more so because I know the deadline is coming up fast and I need to get this down if I really want a shot at it all.

But to take a step back, I have also been reconsidering my decision of going overseas to study. Am a little conflicted towards how badly want it. Ironically, I feel the biggest plus of taking this chance is that it may allow me to discover different facets of myself. So ideally, I am trying to define who I am now so I can write about who I am so as to allow random admissions people to understand who I am which entitles me a chance to attend their institution in their country to then try to exploit that opportunity to discover what truly defines who I am. SO WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? Crisisssss.

Happy thought: I just remembered something I super wanted to write about! My brother and I watched the closing show of Mamma-Mia! (international tour) in the weekend and holy crap, it was SO GOOD! I seriously love ABBA’s music so much and I had so much fun at the show. Although the crowd was a little dead through the show, everyone livened up at the curtain call and pretty much the entire audience was on their feet! It was simply incredible. And they did 3 encore like song-performances at the very end and everyone was singing and dancing along. It was the best feeling ever. And to make things even better, my brother is hooked onto the ABBA soundtrack too! (Super Trouper is still my favourite track)

---

I was just listening to a lot of Sondheim tonight – so much feels. Many other things to think about…

“Make me alive, make me confused,
Mock me with praise, let me be used,
Vary my days…
But alone is alone,
not alive.”

Being Alive – absolutely adore this rendition. Gives me the chills and makes me tear!

So. Mini existential crisis underway. Ever since IB ended, it is like post-Os all over again; purposeless, directionless days filled with no intent. I think it’s even worse this time around because I am not travelling much. And to add on to that, I am forced to struggle with my Uni apps – not fun.

As much as I enjoy writing, the essay questions for my applications have been nothing but burdensome. It’s not the fault of the questions, really; in fact, some of them are actually very interesting and engaging, offering lots of room for interpretation and creative sharing. However, I have been finding it extremely difficult to dig deep within myself and present a truthful reflection of who I am.

Who am I anyway? / Am I my résumé?
What does he want from me? / What should I try to be?

I think the biggest issue here is that I’ve gotten TOO comfortable with not knowing who I am. There was a phase perhaps somewhere in ‘12 or so where I was desperately trying to define myself, to truly figure out what makes me – ME. This obsession with self-reflection gradually vanished on its own; partly due to workload, partly due to preoccupation with other thoughts. In fact, I did not even realise I was no longer entertaining this internal debate much anymore until someone mentioned this to me awhile back.

She said, I find it admirable how you seem so confident all the time. Like you never seem insecure, or at least outwardly. How do you do it? It seems like you’ve finally found who you are.

Gurl, hell no! I guess it simply reached the point where I decided, enough is enough. Time to pick myself out of this rut, pack up the self-loathing and self-moping, and really take a step back – or step away – from indulging in any form of self deprecation. Along with that, I became more accepting of ambiguity and uncertainty; and it is possibly this sense of growing acknowledgement that not all questions need to be answered immediately which has freed me. That quote from Rainer Maria Rilke was my mantra I swear. Shall post it once more:

“I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without noticing, live your way to the answer.”

This is one of my all-time favourite passages/quotes. It has also been my all-time go-to quote to comfort others in need for the past year at least! (So if you’ve received this from me at some point, it probably means you matter and I love you quite enough) While this outlook and way of life has proven eventful thus far, it is not helping in the face of uni applications. Not when some form of absolution and definition is demanded. It really is quite tough to attempt to tell someone else about yourself, when you yourself aren’t too sure who you yourself are to begin with. Yes, so this has been troubling me lately. Not to a large degree, not emotionally; but more so because I know the deadline is coming up fast and I need to get this down if I really want a shot at it all.

But to take a step back, I have also been reconsidering my decision of going overseas to study. Am a little conflicted towards how badly want it. Ironically, I feel the biggest plus of taking this chance is that it may allow me to discover different facets of myself. So ideally, I am trying to define who I am now so I can write about who I am so as to allow random admissions people to understand who I am which entitles me a chance to attend their institution in their country to then try to exploit that opportunity to discover what truly defines who I am. SO WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? Crisisssss.

Happy thought: I just remembered something I super wanted to write about! My brother and I watched the closing show of Mamma-Mia! (international tour) in the weekend and holy crap, it was SO GOOD! I seriously love ABBA’s music so much and I had so much fun at the show. Although the crowd was a little dead through the show, everyone livened up at the curtain call and pretty much the entire audience was on their feet! It was simply incredible. And they did 3 encore like song-performances at the very end and everyone was singing and dancing along. It was the best feeling ever. And to make things even better, my brother is hooked onto the ABBA soundtrack too! (Super Trouper is still my favourite track)

---

I was just listening to a lot of Sondheim tonight – so much feels. Many other things to think about…

“Make me alive, make me confused,
Mock me with praise, let me be used,
Vary my days…
But alone is alone,
not alive.”

Being Alive – absolutely adore this rendition. Gives me the chills and makes me tear!