So I had a unicorn moment (/sudden epiphany) today.

I was thinking over my University decisions again, and I realized I am seriously very anxious and afraid of what lies ahead. It is just this worry that simply lingers in the recesses of my mind, and regardless what I do, it is there and it really bugs me to no end. For a long time, the biggest dilemma has been the fundamental ‘to go or not to go?’ question; and because of that, I was never fully committed to the application process as it seemed more of a ‘lets just give it a shot’ sort of approach. With that said, my efforts have been a little lacklustre and the earlier essays I’ve written were admittedly not as good as I hoped they would be (my Berkeley essays reallyyyy tanked).

But beyond that, I discovered I am honestly fucking sick of being scared already. It finally occurred to me that the best reason for why I *should* go is because I am scared. There is no way I’m going to stop being fearful of the huge pool of uncertainty that lies ahead unless I confront it head on. And then I realised, how can I possibly stop being afraid whilst staying in a place that teaches you remaining scared is the way to live? That it is the correct way to live.

As much as I love Singapore, everything about the culture here spells Fear. In a simple decision of going abroad to study alone, the list of fears that have stood in my way is already so god-damned long – the fear of not being able to afford; the fear of not being able to live up to a debt, the fear of not achieving what you set out to do… like what the fuck, I am so tired of being held down and held back by things that are perhaps completely out of my control. I am so done with looking so far in the future that I’ve lost sight of now.

Months ago I received this picture-quote on Facebook that said “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” and my answer was “Stop Hesitating”. Ironically, older-Me has not stopped hesitating at all; in fact, I think I am hesitating more than ever now. The time has come where I have to make the intentional choice to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go out and do all the things that I have been afraid to do, to see and to experience.

I know part of the fears that come in tow of this decision is the environment I’d be subjected to. Maybe I’d go wild; maybe I’d come back with a tattoo, or six; maybe I’d come back a lesbian, and a smoker, and I would have hit the drugs. But maybe that is the only way I will find out who I really am and what I am meant to do. I may not like who I truly am, but at least I will know. What will I be if I remain in Singapore? What will I be if I go?

When I was thinking through all this on the bus this afternoon, ‘No Day But Today’ from RENT came up on shuffle. There's only this / Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss. It was like the heavens had sent me a sign. And that was when I thought of all the ‘signs’ I received through the year. From indirectly witnessing Oon Shu An’s acceptance of her little unicorn moments and fears and going on to produce an amazingly inspiring show, to meeting people like Theresa Wee-Yenko and Amanda Lee who have bravely quit their stable day jobs to take the road less trodden, and even receiving the most superstitious of indications…

(Okay, this is one anecdote that deserves a place in this blog: about two months back, I was exploring the newly opened Kinokunia when I came across this “new-age” super spiritual/mystic-esque book entitled ‘The Book of Answers’. Basically you have to form a question in your head, think very hard on it, and then randomly flip the book open to reveal a page with a single-lined statement which ought to be the “answer” to your question. I can never quite tell if I believe in these things or not but that day I was like heck lets just give it a shot for fun. SO the question I went with was “Is fighting to go and study in the US the right decision?” and the answer I got was, “The chance will not come again soon”. Yup.)

I think at the end of the day my greatest fear (with regards to this issue) is not receiving support for my eventual decision. And I don’t mean support in terms of funding and whatnot, but the most basic acceptance of the fact that perhaps this is really something that I have to do. At the end of the day, I do not want to live with the regret of not even giving it a try. Okay, then again, my other greatest fear is that I am not good enough. Perhaps I am, perhaps not. Maybe I won’t even get a place in a school or the opportunity to study overseas. But no use thinking extensively about that at this point anyway – must channel some Sierra Boggess; “You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.” (Sierra is seriously another amazing human being that inspires me so so much - really hope to meet her someday!)

Long ramble short, I will give the remainder of the application process my very best shot. And what comes after shall entirely be left to chance. What will be will be.

(My Uni apps in 2 lines: “the less you have to sell, the harder you sell it! / the less you have to say, the louder you yell it!” Lesli Margherita/Tim Minchin will be proud! #QueenLesli #broadwayreferencewaddup)

---

“"Stop worrying where you're going — move on
.
If you can know where you're going, you've gone
.
Just keep moving on.”

A little bit of Sondheim to close off…. Side note: rewatched the Sondheim birthday concert the other day – love love LOVE it so much! :’) so fired up for Into The Woods the movie! Just saw an online counter: 2 days and 11 hours to the US release AHHHH

So I had a unicorn moment (/sudden epiphany) today.

I was thinking over my University decisions again, and I realized I am seriously very anxious and afraid of what lies ahead. It is just this worry that simply lingers in the recesses of my mind, and regardless what I do, it is there and it really bugs me to no end. For a long time, the biggest dilemma has been the fundamental ‘to go or not to go?’ question; and because of that, I was never fully committed to the application process as it seemed more of a ‘lets just give it a shot’ sort of approach. With that said, my efforts have been a little lacklustre and the earlier essays I’ve written were admittedly not as good as I hoped they would be (my Berkeley essays reallyyyy tanked).

But beyond that, I discovered I am honestly fucking sick of being scared already. It finally occurred to me that the best reason for why I *should* go is because I am scared. There is no way I’m going to stop being fearful of the huge pool of uncertainty that lies ahead unless I confront it head on. And then I realised, how can I possibly stop being afraid whilst staying in a place that teaches you remaining scared is the way to live? That it is the correct way to live.

As much as I love Singapore, everything about the culture here spells Fear. In a simple decision of going abroad to study alone, the list of fears that have stood in my way is already so god-damned long – the fear of not being able to afford; the fear of not being able to live up to a debt, the fear of not achieving what you set out to do… like what the fuck, I am so tired of being held down and held back by things that are perhaps completely out of my control. I am so done with looking so far in the future that I’ve lost sight of now.

Months ago I received this picture-quote on Facebook that said “If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only two words?” and my answer was “Stop Hesitating”. Ironically, older-Me has not stopped hesitating at all; in fact, I think I am hesitating more than ever now. The time has come where I have to make the intentional choice to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go out and do all the things that I have been afraid to do, to see and to experience.

I know part of the fears that come in tow of this decision is the environment I’d be subjected to. Maybe I’d go wild; maybe I’d come back with a tattoo, or six; maybe I’d come back a lesbian, and a smoker, and I would have hit the drugs. But maybe that is the only way I will find out who I really am and what I am meant to do. I may not like who I truly am, but at least I will know. What will I be if I remain in Singapore? What will I be if I go?

When I was thinking through all this on the bus this afternoon, ‘No Day But Today’ from RENT came up on shuffle. There's only this / Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss. It was like the heavens had sent me a sign. And that was when I thought of all the ‘signs’ I received through the year. From indirectly witnessing Oon Shu An’s acceptance of her little unicorn moments and fears and going on to produce an amazingly inspiring show, to meeting people like Theresa Wee-Yenko and Amanda Lee who have bravely quit their stable day jobs to take the road less trodden, and even receiving the most superstitious of indications…

(Okay, this is one anecdote that deserves a place in this blog: about two months back, I was exploring the newly opened Kinokunia when I came across this “new-age” super spiritual/mystic-esque book entitled ‘The Book of Answers’. Basically you have to form a question in your head, think very hard on it, and then randomly flip the book open to reveal a page with a single-lined statement which ought to be the “answer” to your question. I can never quite tell if I believe in these things or not but that day I was like heck lets just give it a shot for fun. SO the question I went with was “Is fighting to go and study in the US the right decision?” and the answer I got was, “The chance will not come again soon”. Yup.)

I think at the end of the day my greatest fear (with regards to this issue) is not receiving support for my eventual decision. And I don’t mean support in terms of funding and whatnot, but the most basic acceptance of the fact that perhaps this is really something that I have to do. At the end of the day, I do not want to live with the regret of not even giving it a try. Okay, then again, my other greatest fear is that I am not good enough. Perhaps I am, perhaps not. Maybe I won’t even get a place in a school or the opportunity to study overseas. But no use thinking extensively about that at this point anyway – must channel some Sierra Boggess; “You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.” (Sierra is seriously another amazing human being that inspires me so so much - really hope to meet her someday!)

Long ramble short, I will give the remainder of the application process my very best shot. And what comes after shall entirely be left to chance. What will be will be.

(My Uni apps in 2 lines: “the less you have to sell, the harder you sell it! / the less you have to say, the louder you yell it!” Lesli Margherita/Tim Minchin will be proud! #QueenLesli #broadwayreferencewaddup)

---

“"Stop worrying where you're going — move on
.
If you can know where you're going, you've gone
.
Just keep moving on.”

A little bit of Sondheim to close off…. Side note: rewatched the Sondheim birthday concert the other day – love love LOVE it so much! :’) so fired up for Into The Woods the movie! Just saw an online counter: 2 days and 11 hours to the US release AHHHH