(Decided to split my posts tonight – here’s more post ‘fiction’ rambling, non-fiction style)

The IB results came out at the start of this week, and SURPRISE! Mega sob fest with a free bag of disappointment and self-loathing for everyone help your to it don’t be shy. It was insane – so much for coping eh? Seriously, pathetic. I was a complete wreck; it is quite hilarious actually, in retrospect. So much drama.

The higher you climb, the harder you fall. I guess it works the same with expectations. My expectations were so darn high that coming back down from them just dealt the biggest blow ever. The moment I saw the ‘2’ on total score portion of my slip, I lost it. I am talking full-on emotional upheaval bawling kind of lost it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so badly in public before; hell, I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of anyone!

Of course, gigantic shock for every single person present who has never seen this side of me before. (HAHA once again, quite funny.) In a huge way, I am glad that the first person who found me was Doreen; she really helped me calm down a lot. As true as what Ruth said, no one else could handle me. (HAHAHA see, it is really quite funny.) The moment when she said, Ah I get it, you’re a perfectionist aren’t you? In my head, I was like, WHAT no way, no one gets me in this manner but Ruth Tai because Ruth Tai truly gets GETS the way I function/work. But Ruth Tai comforting me, now THAT would have been the funniest event of the day. Post-breakdown, when she told me the thoughts (by that I mean JOKES) she had, really man, comforting level cmi.

Doreen told me this little part of the story from Journey to the West: When the characters (4 of them? 5??) were reaching the end of their journey, there was a point where the scriptures they were all carrying fell into some lake (river? pond??). And while they were able to savage most of the documents, there was one that got caught on some rock (??) and could not be retrieved. The gang was upset but could not get the last piece back no matter how they tried. When they questioned the deity (buddha? god??) figure of their failure, they were told that this is how it was meant to be. They could not understand how this could be the case. And the deity responded, imperfections exist because everything is not perfect (or something la this retelling is a real flop). Moral is, screw perfection it’s bull.

Okay, her rendition was a lot more eloquent and confident than the one I just made up above. While I would love to believe that perfection exists and is attainable, she definitely succeeded in distracting me from my sorrows (hur hur) and calming me down with that. That’s why I say, she is MY ROCK. Truly someone who has seen me through my best, my worst, and my ugliest.

On hindsight, I think the true reason why I was SOoooOoooO upset is that the disappointment was cumulative. As evident in a post I wrote a (long) while back, every major exam I have taken thus far in my life has left me slightly sore and, for a lack of a better word, disappointed. In some ways, perhaps it works the same way as grief and general sadness. If you don’t let it run its course, it does not go away.

Now that we’re past that, I really wonder where life will take me next. Let the eternal pursuit for perfection continue….

--

“forget your perfect offering; there's a crack in everything. that's how the light gets in.” – words of wisdom from kit

(Decided to split my posts tonight – here’s more post ‘fiction’ rambling, non-fiction style)

The IB results came out at the start of this week, and SURPRISE! Mega sob fest with a free bag of disappointment and self-loathing for everyone help your to it don’t be shy. It was insane – so much for coping eh? Seriously, pathetic. I was a complete wreck; it is quite hilarious actually, in retrospect. So much drama.

The higher you climb, the harder you fall. I guess it works the same with expectations. My expectations were so darn high that coming back down from them just dealt the biggest blow ever. The moment I saw the ‘2’ on total score portion of my slip, I lost it. I am talking full-on emotional upheaval bawling kind of lost it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so badly in public before; hell, I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of anyone!

Of course, gigantic shock for every single person present who has never seen this side of me before. (HAHA once again, quite funny.) In a huge way, I am glad that the first person who found me was Doreen; she really helped me calm down a lot. As true as what Ruth said, no one else could handle me. (HAHAHA see, it is really quite funny.) The moment when she said, Ah I get it, you’re a perfectionist aren’t you? In my head, I was like, WHAT no way, no one gets me in this manner but Ruth Tai because Ruth Tai truly gets GETS the way I function/work. But Ruth Tai comforting me, now THAT would have been the funniest event of the day. Post-breakdown, when she told me the thoughts (by that I mean JOKES) she had, really man, comforting level cmi.

Doreen told me this little part of the story from Journey to the West: When the characters (4 of them? 5??) were reaching the end of their journey, there was a point where the scriptures they were all carrying fell into some lake (river? pond??). And while they were able to savage most of the documents, there was one that got caught on some rock (??) and could not be retrieved. The gang was upset but could not get the last piece back no matter how they tried. When they questioned the deity (buddha? god??) figure of their failure, they were told that this is how it was meant to be. They could not understand how this could be the case. And the deity responded, imperfections exist because everything is not perfect (or something la this retelling is a real flop). Moral is, screw perfection it’s bull.

Okay, her rendition was a lot more eloquent and confident than the one I just made up above. While I would love to believe that perfection exists and is attainable, she definitely succeeded in distracting me from my sorrows (hur hur) and calming me down with that. That’s why I say, she is MY ROCK. Truly someone who has seen me through my best, my worst, and my ugliest.

On hindsight, I think the true reason why I was SOoooOoooO upset is that the disappointment was cumulative. As evident in a post I wrote a (long) while back, every major exam I have taken thus far in my life has left me slightly sore and, for a lack of a better word, disappointed. In some ways, perhaps it works the same way as grief and general sadness. If you don’t let it run its course, it does not go away.

Now that we’re past that, I really wonder where life will take me next. Let the eternal pursuit for perfection continue….

--

“forget your perfect offering; there's a crack in everything. that's how the light gets in.” – words of wisdom from kit