(Backdated post: March 2015, published 3 June 2015)

RANDOM RAMBLES WEEK #3:

In-theatre edition; true test of every faculty of my being that is typically left unchallenged, unperturbed. Confronting the anxiety of darkness, and working in tight intense spans of time – I’m talking a matter of seconds, not even days. concept of deadlines are repeatedly altered and manipulated under these circumstances. Perpetual panic, forced to grapple; gradually developing the ability to compose my senses, catch and pin own internal butterflies, maintaining stronghold over crazed nerves. You can do it, You can do it, You can do it. Every one who knows me knows, calm is /not/ my strongest suit – nowhere near the top of my ‘virtues’. Try and try again. when you’re part of a whole larger picture, a mere cog in a huge system of a production, it is vital to achieve composure – if not for myself, then for my actors.

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Levels of chocolate consumption match up in a directly correlated relationship with my stress levels. Addictive drug-like effect – hyperactive sugar rush pumps energy scales while onset of infused endorphins triggers a much warranted (and needed) state of calm; mute my senses, heart rate fluctuates, slows, stops. Chocolate ingestion likens to blade on skin (sweeter); to 10 mile sprints (kinder); to casual lifting of possessions that do not belong (safer). Adrenalin rushes are addictive, especially when it kicks in with additional advantages of ultimate zen-ness. Load up the cocoa heavy diet to tide me through stressful times; consuming 2x more chocs in the theatre than in IB!

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Pondering upon the construct of emotions. The entire system of restraint and control over its many manifestations – through words, actions, thoughts, aura. Emotionally volatile, erratic, immature. Friend said I was (am) emotionally detached in relationships, more often than not, emotionally unavailable; debatable. In work, on the contrary, I become (am) emotionally overly-invested. Life revolves around projects & responsibilities; the emotional track runs around the professional realm – intermingling of professional and personal. Time to assert emotional compartmentalization more effectively. But never will personal transcend professional; always is, always will be. ? debatable.

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Friends whom I cancelled dinner date with in a bid to complete ironing came for the show. Surprisingly enjoyed it greatly – always lovely to feel support. Doing fine … emotional segregation. You can’t make them understand until they do understand.

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Just rethinking writing styles and the craft of journalism today during the matinee run. What does verbosity convey? The inability to express without stylistic fancies; ribbons and whistles merely camouflage what isn’t there. Convoluted writing poorly disguises confused thoughts. Admiring the beauty of brevity – an art I’ve yet to master. I guess the fact that I have a weekly RAMBLING column is counter productive to the pursuit of compact expression. (Hur hur) Wordiness convey insecurity, lack of confidence, esteem. Failure to say what you want to say. Ironic considering my tendency towards frank/directness of interpersonal approach. Walking contradiction by nature.

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Somedays I suspect I’m a very difficult person to work with. While I maintain a light-hearted disposition (attempt to) and a seemingly unassuming front, more often than not, much time is spent dwelling upon the subtleties of the reactions and responses of people around. Nuanced reflexes and slight inflections in tone effortlessly sends my days unravelling. Closet hypersensitivity.

(Backdated post: March 2015, published 3 June 2015)

RANDOM RAMBLES WEEK #3:

In-theatre edition; true test of every faculty of my being that is typically left unchallenged, unperturbed. Confronting the anxiety of darkness, and working in tight intense spans of time – I’m talking a matter of seconds, not even days. concept of deadlines are repeatedly altered and manipulated under these circumstances. Perpetual panic, forced to grapple; gradually developing the ability to compose my senses, catch and pin own internal butterflies, maintaining stronghold over crazed nerves. You can do it, You can do it, You can do it. Every one who knows me knows, calm is /not/ my strongest suit – nowhere near the top of my ‘virtues’. Try and try again. when you’re part of a whole larger picture, a mere cog in a huge system of a production, it is vital to achieve composure – if not for myself, then for my actors.

--

Levels of chocolate consumption match up in a directly correlated relationship with my stress levels. Addictive drug-like effect – hyperactive sugar rush pumps energy scales while onset of infused endorphins triggers a much warranted (and needed) state of calm; mute my senses, heart rate fluctuates, slows, stops. Chocolate ingestion likens to blade on skin (sweeter); to 10 mile sprints (kinder); to casual lifting of possessions that do not belong (safer). Adrenalin rushes are addictive, especially when it kicks in with additional advantages of ultimate zen-ness. Load up the cocoa heavy diet to tide me through stressful times; consuming 2x more chocs in the theatre than in IB!

--

Pondering upon the construct of emotions. The entire system of restraint and control over its many manifestations – through words, actions, thoughts, aura. Emotionally volatile, erratic, immature. Friend said I was (am) emotionally detached in relationships, more often than not, emotionally unavailable; debatable. In work, on the contrary, I become (am) emotionally overly-invested. Life revolves around projects & responsibilities; the emotional track runs around the professional realm – intermingling of professional and personal. Time to assert emotional compartmentalization more effectively. But never will personal transcend professional; always is, always will be. ? debatable.

--

Friends whom I cancelled dinner date with in a bid to complete ironing came for the show. Surprisingly enjoyed it greatly – always lovely to feel support. Doing fine … emotional segregation. You can’t make them understand until they do understand.

--

Just rethinking writing styles and the craft of journalism today during the matinee run. What does verbosity convey? The inability to express without stylistic fancies; ribbons and whistles merely camouflage what isn’t there. Convoluted writing poorly disguises confused thoughts. Admiring the beauty of brevity – an art I’ve yet to master. I guess the fact that I have a weekly RAMBLING column is counter productive to the pursuit of compact expression. (Hur hur) Wordiness convey insecurity, lack of confidence, esteem. Failure to say what you want to say. Ironic considering my tendency towards frank/directness of interpersonal approach. Walking contradiction by nature.

--

Somedays I suspect I’m a very difficult person to work with. While I maintain a light-hearted disposition (attempt to) and a seemingly unassuming front, more often than not, much time is spent dwelling upon the subtleties of the reactions and responses of people around. Nuanced reflexes and slight inflections in tone effortlessly sends my days unravelling. Closet hypersensitivity.